A 'Bachelor' Bio Breakdown: Must Love Dogs

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Let's start with a confession: in the most recent iteration of the Bachelor franchise (not including spin-offs, Instagram drama, or the ongoing Most Dangerous Game scenario featuring first-night castoffs currently playing out in Chris Harrison's backyard), I felt like I owed something to the lead.

And I did owe her something—we all did. We owed the last Bachelorette our support. Because Becca was dealt the dirtiest possible hand by this franchise we're all complicit in, and worse, they dealt it to her in broad daylight, inside the sanctity of a Silver Lake Airbnb, using the cruelest possible weapon: a mediocre 30-something man.

I watch this show; I write about this show, and so, short of Becca revealing herself to have a history of trolling Disney Channel stars on Instagram, or a Tweety Bird tattoo or something, I was going to go easy on her as my penance for sitting back and watching her get tortured by this franchise and its absurdly polyamorous method for finding monogamous love. No matter how ordinary Becca was, no matter how often she took flying leaps to greet her gentleman callers, no matter how often she reiterated that she would simply enjoy doing the damn thing, I had to give Becca the benefit of the doubt. Thankfully…

Image result for colton the bachelor promo

I owe Colton no such atonement. The deck is stacked against this coffee table book of a man, and I find it thrilling. There's something very freeing about having all the space I want to shit on Colton because his position as head of the Bachelor franchise — the closest thing America gets to a royal family — is so positively unearned.

I don't dislike the beefy boy. In fact, I find it kind of inspiring how much he cries on camera. Would it be better on this particular platform, if Colton was a man who cried when he was sad about an emotional loss, or happy about a well-made decision, rather than sobbing because he's more confused about the trajectory of his own life than a college sophomore who was sure they were going to declare pre-med and then takes their first Anatomy class and is like, "Ohnoooooo"? Sure.

But I still support outward displays of male emotion in concept.

My internet history reveals that throughout Becca's season of The Bachelorette and during his time on Bachelor in Paradise, I googled variations of "male version of Skipper" and "Ken's kid brother" a number of times over in hopes of finding the perfect way to describe Colton.

Alas…the male version of Skipper just is Colton. And now the wee doll is being asked not to share a girlfriend, or merely not break the spirit of a woman who has a huge crush on him, but to manage the emotions of 30 women who, judging by the preview, would like nothing more than to get him pregnant if at all possible.

Oh, our Li'l Cipper is going to be eaten alive, isn’t he? Let’s just quickly run through why choosing him as the reigning Bachelor remains a baffling decision on the series' part:

  1. As far as we know, Colton does not have a paying job to speak of. He played on NFL practice teams for a few years out of college, then he started a self-named philanthropy for which he does not take a salary, and now he is the Bachelor. So I guess, technically, he does have a job now: he is the Bachelor. But before that, it was a real "Congress-elect Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez can't afford a DC apartment to be a member of Congress until she actually gets paid to be a member of Congress" kind of situation…

And y’know what, we can just stop there. Because much more than the "virginity" thing, or the "seems highly interested in celebrity" thing, or the "does not at all seem emotionally prepared for a commitment to marriage" thing, we just cannot be lifting up a jobless man as the epitome of marriage material. Just when it seemed that ABC could not possibly make a choice more perplexing than Arie, a man who was at least a popular choice for Bachelor half-a-decade ago, they chose Colton: an immature young hottie who we recently watched struggle for weeks to tell a woman he did not like that he did like her.

But no one cares what viewers of The Bachelor want less than the makers of The Bachelor. Which would also explain why it now seems like we will never again receive the beloved contestant-questionnaires that first inspired these Bachelor Bio Breakdowns years ago. Because there was some breaking down required when faced with answers to questions like: "What fruit would you would be if you could be any fruit?" and "What hair color do you secretly wish you had?" and "What's your favorite book that isn't the Bible or The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up?" or "What person, alive or dead, would you most want to have dinner with that isn't Mark Cub—yes, we mean it, you have to pick someone other than Mark Cuban.”

Unfortunately, the producers of The Bachelor apparently saw the fun we had reading about how all these dummies’ biggest fear in life is getting explosive diarrhea on a date with a former racecar driver and they said, NO MORE!

Ever since Becca's season, instead of full bios, we’ve been given a few sentences cobbled together by a hive of red-eyed interns subsisting on Red Bull and Northwestern journalism degrees, all presented to us in a Facebook Live video hosted by host Chris Harrison. And sadly, it looks like there's no going back to having a 27-year-old woman explain to you why she would be a four-slot toaster if she could be any kitchen appliance in the world.

This video is the most work Chris Harrison — a multi-head standing lamp you swore you got rid of after college, but it just keeps showing up again and again in each new residence you move to with a fresh layer of dust — will have to do all season, so I do appreciate that it pushes his salary down to a much more reasonable $10 million/hour. But in the end, this rollout of the contestant bios tells us a lot more about Colton than it does about the 30 women who will be trying to date him.

As far as I can tell, Colton is the kind of guy who thinks being obsessed with dogs counts as a whole personality.

It does not, of course, but the franchise has worked with less. Here on The Bachelor, farming can be a personality; being hot can be a personality; looking like a fiscally conservative but socially liberal gubernatorial candidate can be a personality; having blonde hair can be a personality; being a lawyer is the best personality.

So, the franchise might be going with Big Ol' Virgin for their number one marketing tactic on Colton, but judging by this video, Colton's personal branding choice for himself seems to be Real Big Dog Boy. The very first woman on the alphabetical contestant list is a dog rescuer (one of two Alexes), so Harrison takes this moment to say, "If you don't know anything about Colton: he loves dogs." This gets a big laugh out of some unseen Bachelor employees behind the camera as if to say: We really do know nothing about him, but this big doofus does LOVE him some dogs! Harrison continues: "And I'm not saying, like, he likes dogs. He reeeeally loves dogs. Loves them. Like…a lot."

He says this in a way that absolutely implies Colton has, uh, been intimate with a dog — and maybe multiple dogs??? There is no other implication that can be drawn from the eyebrow waggling, the vocal emphasis, the insistence that we understand that this man, more than any other man you've ever known, loves dogs…

And yet the one thing I actually know about Colton going into this season is that he has not had heteronormative sex with a woman; so I will defend him from Chris Harrison’s accusations, and say that he probably has not had sex with a dog either.

The other thing I know about Colton is that he’s hot, which was enough for Becca to take him all the way to Hometowns just because she wanted to dut-dut-dut her hands down his bare abs like an old timey inmate running a metal mug across his jail cell bars. But once she found out he was a virgin, theoretically putting the dut-dut-dutting a little further out of reach, she broke up with him, claiming it was totally not because of the virgin thing, it was just a regular, normal breakup on a regular, normal reality show, for regular, normal reasons…

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That's bound to wreak some havoc on a 26-year-old's psyche, and like a slick Motown producer, ABC is here to pick up the pieces, and mold them into exactly what we demons at home thirst for: more drama, and that delicious sense of entitlement that comes with knowing we’re not doing what these people are doing and it’s our choice, and not at all because I am one nose job, 60,000 Instagram followers, and a Raya account away from ever being allowed to step within 20 yards of this franchise.

Colton may have been a poor Bachelor choice for a franchise that purports to be all about creating lasting love, but for us at home? This is a win/win. His season guarantees to be a disaster, and we don't have to feel bad about watching it, because the dude is drooling to be on TV. I’m almost certain Colton is about to do irreparable damage to his mental and emotional well-being, but I also think he's getting exactly what he wanted all along — so a big congratulations to all parties involved, I guess!

The Bachelor, Colton Underwood

Except, of course, the women, who have just volunteered themselves as tributes to a competition where the best possible outcome is: a) falling in love with a confused, fame-hungry, dog-loving [Chris Harrison voice: and I do mean LOVING] man, or b) becoming the next leader in this endless cycle of traumatic rejection.

This season not only guarantees to be a mess because of Colton, but also because the median age of the contestants competing to get married for the rest of their lives is 23-years-old. That means that within the very recent past many of these women could have:

  • Thrown up from drinking too much

  • Been on a study abroad trip that they will try to pass off on TV as a regular abroad trip

  • Opened a bank account for the first time

  • Age-appropriately shopped at Forever 21

  • Celebrated their parent's 40th birthdays

  • Age-appropriately attended a One Direction concert

  • Truthfully listed their birth year as 1995

  • Worn a poster board around their neck with instructions on how to help get them wasted for their 21st birthday party

Add onto the list that one of them is a DJ from Fort Lauderdale, two of them recently competed against each other in Miss USA, three or more of them make sexual jokes that Colton doesn't understand straight out of the limo, plus I believe it’s the most diverse cast the show has ever had because I actually had to mix and match the bio photos to create anything resembling Animorphs cover, as opposed to just choosing any given row on the ABC website like I normally do.

I know this sounds crazy, but after taking the potential for disaster into account, I think I might just be looking forward to watching this season and meeting these women??? So, without further ado, it's time to…


ALEX D, 23: Sloth from Boston

A New England girl through and through, Alex was born on Cape Cod, went to college at University of Massachusetts and now lives in Boston. When she's not cheering on the Patriots or the Red Sox, she's working as an account manager for an IT staffing agency. Alex talks fast, but tends to move slowly...verrrrrrrrrrry slowly.

Let's just get this out of the way, shall we? The Bachelor briefly took a hiatus from burdening contestants with not-real-jobs as their job titles, but this season they have decided to get fully back on their bullshit. My guess is, at 23, a number of these women might by in a transitional phase of their working life, so rather than go with the noble truth like "bartender" or "barista" or "living with parents while she thinks on it for a bit," The Bachelor is going to convince some poor girl to wear an animal suit, then call her a sloth for the next 13 weeks.

But, hey, it worked for Alexis the shark-dolphin who is never far from my mind. Remember when she brought out cupcakes to Nick so they could celebrate the one-year anniversary of her boobs? Alexis was a delight! Alex D. has a lot to live up to.

ANNIE, 23: Financial Associate from New York City

Annie grew up on a farm in Wisconsin where she learned to ride horses. She competed in nationals for horse riding before attending the University of Alabama to study finance. Annie loves country music and swing dancing.

I like that Annie grew up in Wisconsin, went to the University of Alabama, and now lives in New York City—that's a diverse geographical background, and could suit Colton's thirst for social climbing well!

Chris Harrison says as much when he mentions that Annie was one of three women that were part of an Ellen Show group date that already aired, where her chemistry with Colton was apparent. But I don't like that he elaborated on said chemistry, saying: "And a lot of that had to so with Ellen kind of forging that connection." The mental image of Ellen DeGeneres forcing their two blonde bobbleheads together in a Barbie-style kiss is not one that shall soon loose me from its grips. I just don't know if you want the romantic element of your relationship rooted in Ellen, y’know?

BRI, 24: Model from L.A.

A model from Southern California, Bri is much more than just a pretty face. She played soccer for eight years, enjoys hiking and camping, and loves to hit the snowboard slopes. Her biggest dating fear? Farting too loudly. (Don't worry Bri, we won't tell Colton.)

WON'T TELL COLTON WHAT, ABC?!?! That he needs to be listening out for Bri's big ol' farts because she will try to hide them from him, so he must stay vigilant if he wants to get an ear-and-nose-full of these famous model-farts he’s been hearing about??? They're so fucking weird.

They also really want to nail home, both in the bio and in Chris Harrison's commentary, that Bri is not just a symmetrical face created in a lab moments before this show, but a real human being with hobbies who "kind of overcame a lot in her life." You guys, I'm sure that Bri has a rich interior life and a lot to give to the world…but I would not put it past these writers to just be talking about her big honkin' farts again.

NINA, 30: Sales Account Manager from Raleigh, NC

Nina was born in Croatia and moved to the United States with her mom when she was nine years old, fleeing the conflict there amidst bullets and bombs. Amongst her many hobbies, Nina enjoys kayaking and hiking. She's also watched The Bachelor with her mom and grandma for years.

And speaking of their favorite, extremely demeaning "more than just a pretty face" narrative, Chris describes Nina connecting with Colton because of her "amazing story.” Which is, in fact, fleeing war-torn Croatia as a child.

I feel confident this franchise and Colton will handle that "amazing story" with grace and not just a lot of long stares, "wows," and then making out as a distraction from personal discomfort. I am very much looking forward to Nina, not only because she is an adult woman, but also because the last time Raleigh, North Carolina sent someone our way, it was ultimate gift-of-the-magi, Jenna.

COURTNEY, 23: Caterer from Atlanta, GA

Courtney was born in Wiesbaden, Germany, but grew up in McDonough, Georgia, with four younger siblings. She turned her passion for food and cooking into a successful catering business, crafting healthy meal plans for athletes.

Courtney introduces my favorite feature of the Facebook Live video, which is Chris Harrison — a Brita pitcher that your roommate left two sips of water in, but it doesn’t matter because that filter’s been expired for three years anyway — revealing just how dumb he thinks Colton is while making unintentional double entendres about butt stuff.

See, Courtney is from Georgia, a.k.a. the peach state, and so I guess she includes a peach prop in her entrance into the mansion. Chris hints at this by saying, "I love Colton, we are friends, he's a good man, but let me just say: I found some holes in his personality, and one of them is peaches."

Ex…squeeze me??? So if I'm to understand this correctly, “general knowledge about peaches” can also constitute a personality, and in Colton’s case, there is a simply a gaping hole where the peach knowledge should be, like someone who always asks you to explain your jokes a second time when they were just supposed to be little side-comments in the first place, so then they just blink at you when you repeat your self. Except with Colton…that’s peaches???

Per Chris: "I don't know how much of this will end up in the final edit, so I'm just going to lay it out right now: I don’t know if Colton knows what a peach is, and he certainly doesn't know how to eat one." I can't believe I'm saying this, but let's actually put aside for a second the fact that Chris Harrison just implied that Colton, a notorious virgin, isn’t into butt stuff…

Colton doesn't know what a peach is, or how to eat one? In THIS, the year of our lord Call Me By Your Name??? Does he…think peaches and plums are the same thing? Does he…think it's a small animal because it's furry? Does he…just bite right into the middle of it with his giant Midwestern chompers and crack a tooth? Y'know, it took me until this very moment to realize it, but Colton really is like if you sucked all the charm, sex appeal, and verified Twitter interest in BDSM out of Armie Hammer.

(And if you’re wondering, yes I do think, if Armie had it his way, he would have eaten the peach.)

KIRPA, 26: Dental Hygienist from Whittier, CA

This beautiful and spunky California girl works for her dad's dentistry business as a dental hygienist. She loves hiking, reading, cooking and swimming. Her one deal breaker? Colton better floss.

But it's not just peaches Colton can't get to work right y'all — it's also general humor and language! Now, we have always known that Chris Harrison is a messy bitch who lives for drama, but it washes over us anew as we listen to him and the rest of the Bachelor gang laaaaugh and laugh about how the man they’re presenting to America as the most eligible marriage material in reality TV doesn't understand the "severely bold" joke Kirpa makes to him when she gets out of the limo.

"Does Colton understand the joke?" Chris teases us: "Does he get the line? Again, I'll let you be the judge at home."

So the real question for us at home is: who shall we judge? Do we judge Colton for being such a rube? Do we judge Kirpa for coming at him with a joke so bold it stood to embarrass him? Do we judge the show for, as Chris said earlier when previewing another woman who has virginity jokes, perhaps using Colton's virginity as a bit of a topical “crutch” on night one? Do we judge ourselves for supporting this nonsense with our patronage?

NO! We blame the social construct of virginity, and wash it down with a half-bottle of wine because we deserve a break from thinking now and then. And just think — this is how Colton gets to live all the time!

DEMI, 23: Interior Designer from Dallas

Demi grew up in rural Texas and is a proud country girl. She loves ATVing, fishing and watching WWE. She can also drive a stick shift. She's ready to put her pursuit of Colton into overdrive!

Demi was the meanest girl on your freshman hall, that only you realized was mean because you're an incredible judge of character, until Junior year when everyone was like, Oh shit, did you hear Demi turned into a stone-cold nightmare, so she transferred schools and started the cycle all over again. Sorry Demi, I don't make the rules, just the baseless judgments. Please don't replace the shampoo in my shower caddy with Nair.

NICOLE, 25: Social Media Coordinator from Miami, FL

Nicole is a fun and energetic Miami native who loves salsa dancing and singing a capella. Her family is originally from Havana, Cuba, and she's extremely proud of her roots. She lives at home with her brother, mom and grandma and can't wait for Colton to try some of her grandma's cooking.

Nicole still lives at home, has a tight-knit family, loves social media, and hails from a place where Colton could wear as many of his stupid sparkle-blazers and sleeveless hoodies as he wants without so much as a second look. That seems a good match for our attention-loving man-boy, Colton. And best of all, Chris says: "When it comes to tears, Nicole might have Ashley I beat in the tear department." While I find the proposition that Nicole could cry more than Ashley I. physiologically impossible, I also think someone who cries as much as Ashley I could surely be supportive of someone who cries as much as Colton.

REVIAN, 24: Nurse from Santa Monica, CA

Revian is an esthetician from Los Angeles. When she's not helping people feel beautiful, she loves to attend music festivals. She's also fluent in Mandarin.

Time for some lightly racist undertones! Usually we have to wait for primetime to get this kind of clueless commentary, but thanks to the doubling of Chris Harrison's workload with this Facebook Live video, we get to start early this year. "Don't be fooled by the innocent face," Chris tells us: "Revian likes to have a good time."

Uh, Chris, I hate to be the one to break this to you at nearly 50 years of age, but Revian looks like she likes to have a good time, bro. Her name rhymes with a bottled water, she's in a skin-tight ribbed dress, she lists music festivals as one of her main hobbies, she looks like she could be the lead singer of some new wave cover band, and she's wearing lashes thicker than a Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix hardback. What exactly about her are you projecting the picture of innocence onto?

Cassie, 23, Speech Pathologist, Huntington Beach, CA

A true native Californian, Cassie grew up at the beach and is an avid surfer. She is currently completing her degree in speech pathology and hopes to one day open up a private practice to work with kids. Maybe in the meantime she can teach Colton the language of love.

Well, here’s the thing: Cassie and Colton have…the exact same face. So, per my theory of mate-mirroring [ed. note: this is neither my own theory, nor what the theory is called, but I can never figure out WHAT IT’S CALLED when people choose partners who look like they’re biologically related to them???], these two could have that Trista-and-Ryan kind of love. (Also I saw on Instagram that her sister dates a hot young actor because I am an investigative journalist, so Colton would actually die for that kind of access to fame, like when JoJo was briefly sort of sisters-in-law with Olivia Munn.)

CAELYNN, 23: Miss North Carolina 2018 from Charlotte, NC

Caelynn grew up in Fredericksburg, Virginia, and attended Virginia Commonwealth University, where she got her degree in broadcast journalism. She was named Miss North Carolina in 2018 and was the first runner-up at Miss USA. But Caelynn is not your typical beauty queen. She once flew to Japan for a first date!

Is it just me, or does flying to Japan seem like something only a beauty queen could do? Like, that’s reserved…exclusively for them.

Aaaanyway, with Caelynn begins our sordid journey into the Miss USA 2018 competition and vaguely foreboding warnings about Colton's emotional well-being from Chris Harrison, a stock photo that comes in a picture frame that you wind up growing kind of attached, so you leave it in, slowly but surely falling in love with the image you see there, like a milder, and yet still weirder version of Her.

Chris tells us that Caelynn was first runner-up in Miss USA and that we're going to table that discussion for now, because in this very formal setting, tidings of Bachelor "firsts" must always take precedence. "Caelynn and Colton honestly have maybe one of the most emotional conversations we've ever had on the show," Chris continues, Peabody Awards scrolling through his eyes like dollar signs. "Caelynn goes deep into her life and that opens up some things for Colton, and I was trying to remember if we've ever had something so emotional, and I don't know."

Connecting on an emotional level beyond talking about how important it is to connect on an emotional level? That truly would be a Bachelor first.

HANNAH B, 23: Miss Alabama 2018 from Tuscaloosa, AL

Born and raised in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, Hannah was bred to be a proud member of the Alabama Crimson Tide. Following in her parents' footsteps, she recently graduated from the University of Alabama with a degree in communications. She currently works as an interior designer and never misses an Alabama football game. Oh, and in her spare time this year, she won the title of Miss Alabama USA 2018. Roll Tide, Hannah!

You waited all the alphabet letters from C-to-H to learn what Chris was teeing you up for between Miss North Carolina 2018 Caelynn and Miss Alabama 2018 Hannah B, and here it is:

"Do they know each other? Yes. Will it affect Colton? Will it affect each other? [Smirks, nods] We'll see."

Riveting stuff, Chris.

Much more monumental than beauty queen drama though, is the fact that Hannah is from Alabama. Did you know Hannah is from Alabama? Well she is. She was raised in Alabama, she went to school at Alabama, she works in Alabama, she attends Alabama football games, and she has a sash that I feel confident will make its way to the mansion, declaring her — you guessed it — Miss Alabama.

My brother also went to college in Alabama, and he loved relaying stories of the bitter rivalry between Aurburn and Alabama back to me. Our favorite was when his college friend was explaining to his mother, a diehard Auburn fan, why he couldn't date a female friend of theirs, telling her the friend "played for the other team.” His mother clutching her southern chest, gasped: "Alabama?" Let's just cross our fingers, shall we, that this season pulls a Bachelor Vietnam and coordinates a cross-team alliance

Now, that would be the dramz worth waiting C-to-H for, Chris.

HANNAH G, 23: Content Creator from Birmingham, AL

This sweet Southern belle definitely isn't camera shy—she's both the photographer and model for her burgeoning social media business. Apart from planning the photo shoots for her next posts, Hannah enjoys being a foodie and glamping.

But we're not done with tiny, blonde, 23-year-old Hannahs from Alabama just yet! There might not be a single Lauren in this batch of contestants, but that's just because we've changed generations. Most of these recent teens were born in the mid-90s: your Hannahs and your Alexes in place of your Laurens and your Ashleys. Chris says there's an "immediate spark and a big first impression" between Hannah G and Colton on night one…

And she must have made a good impression on the producers too because for some reason this 70K-Instagram influencer gets to be a "Content Creator" [ed. note: girl, SAME] with a "burgeoning social media business" when poor Erin has to be labeled "Cinderella" just because she works for her stepmom's home improvement business. I got my eye on you, Hannah.

KATIE, 26, Medical Sales Representative from Sherman Oaks, CA

A lifelong dancer, Katie attended Louisiana State University where she competed on the dance team. After moving to Los Angeles to work as medical sales rep, Katie settled in Sherman Oaks, where she enjoys yoga and sushi.

And we're not done with vague, meaningless hints at drama either! Chris says Katie (who we only know to be a dancer, a medical sales rep, and a lover of yoga and sushi thus far) "drops a bomb on Colton that really changes the entire course of the season." I want to be mad at Chris Harrison about how pointless this entire video presentation is—JUST GIVE US BACK OUR QUESTIONNAIRE, HOW WILL WE EVER KNOW WHO WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR LOVE BUT THEY WON'T DO THAT?!?!?!—but also…

I am intrigued! What is the bomb?! Katie is one pumpkin spice latte and a pair of worn-out Uggs away from being a caricature of “basic” — I mean, her name is Katie for goodness sake — so, what could this bomb be?? Does she come to terms with her sexuality on the show [ed. note: can you tell how hard I’m trying to #theSECRET that one into existence this season]? Did she date one of Colton's friends and/or former co-boyfriends? Is she Tia in disguise???

Ugh, I am really geared up for this season…

ONYEKA, 24, IT Risk Consultant, Dallas, TX

Onyeka grew up in Manhattan, Kansas, in a loving family. Her parents are originally from Nigeria and have been married for 35 years. Fun fact: Her parents got engaged after just two weeks. Onyeka is hoping to have that same kind of luck with Colton.

But, not so geared up for the framing of Onyeka, a woman of color, as: "You do not want to be on Onyeka's bad side. Some of the women do…big mistake."

Is that what we're saying about Li'l Demi up there, who I know is about to get into some shit. (Again, sorry Demi, I cannot help it that you have that Amy Dunne look in your eye, girl.) I'm not saying I want to get into the verbal sparring ring with a 24-year-old IT Risk Consultant from Dallas, Chris. I am weak-willed; I do not own any David Yurman bracelets; I have no doubt she could pummel me with rhetoric. But do all of our framing mechanisms on this show have to be harmful stereotypes?

CATHERINE, 26: DJ from Ft. Lauderdale, FL

By day, Catherine is a successful commercial real estate agent. By night, Catherine is DJ Agro—an up-and-coming hip-hop DJ making a name for herself on the Ft. Lauderdale club scene. Along with her dog daughter, Lucy, Catherine is hoping to spin her way into Colton's heart.


Well, no, it seems that some of our framing mechanisms can be unharmful stereotypes — we got ourselves a DJ from Fort Lauderdale, y’all!!! Catherine goes by DJ Agro, already looks like a Real Housewives of Miami in training, and according to Chris, is using this season of The Bachelor as her demo reel: "If you're looking for a villain, I'm not saying Catherine is it…I was just bringing up the point, that if you're looking for a villain, to keep your eyes out."

Chris, you mean girl with a special skill for AIM-targeted cyber bullying, you. I sure will keep my eyes out, but no way this actual character from The Good Place is making it past week 3. [Ed. Note: BOOOOORTLES!]

ELYSE, 31: Makeup Artist from Soldotna, AK

Elyse grew up outside of Anchorage in Soldotna, Alaska, where she spent her childhood ice-skating and snowmobiling. She found warmer a climate when she relocated to Scottsdale, Arizona, where she now works as a makeup artist.


We got ourselves A GINGER, baby! In the most diverse cast ever, there was even room for an *alternate hairstyle* — my heart is full.

Of course, it doesn’t matter because at 31, Elyse and her beautiful locks became invisible as a romantic option to any Bachelor about three years ago. Chris Harrison, a rattling sound in the back of your car you can't identify and don’t want to pay $1,000 for someone else to fix, and thus, will simply have to live with it for the rest of your life, says of Elyse: "Older and wiser than most of the women, she kind of becomes the mom of the group." Cool. Hope you enjoy a life of martyrdom and shilling printed leggings on Facebook, Elyse, because that’s all that’s left for you.  

TAYISHA, 28, Phlebotomist, Corona Del Mar, CA

This Southern California girl is definitely not the squeamish type—she draws blood for a living! When she's not filling up vials for her patients, she volunteers at her church and goes wine tasting.

Tayisha, probably the prettiest person I've ever seen, is my pick for the next Bachelorette. She has a real job, she is a reasonable age to have men compete over the opportunity to briefly be engaged to her, and she lists wine as an interest, so she'll be boring enough for the Bachelorette producers to project whatever personality they want onto her. I think the obvious personality choice is "lady who's into blood and guts, isn't that crrrrraAaAaAaAzzzzzyyyyy," but I’d love to see a curveball like "grew up in a cult." Just once, for me, couldn't one of these women have grown up in a cult?

HEATHER, 22: Never Been Kissed from Carlsbad, CA

Born and raised in San Diego, California, Heather is a Southern California girl through and through. She's a thrill-seeker who enjoys bungee jumping, skydiving and river-rafting. But out of all the thrilling things Heather's done, there's still one thrill she's yet to experience—she's never kissed a boy!

Now that we're standing face to face / isn't TATBT a crazy place / just when you thought 90 Day Fiance recaps had passed / I go and save the best for the laaaast…

Heather's job — what she's dreamed of since she was a little girl, her one real passion, the thing that helped her get through all those late library nights in college, that motivates her more than money or power ever could — is that she's Never Been Kissed. And not even in the cool Drew-Barrymore-investigative-journalism way. She's just…never kissed a dude. (Or possibly, she has kissed a dude, but no one has taken the initiative to kiss her, a twist I would not put past this show that once slipped a positive pregnancy test into a season preview and then no one ever got pregnant, which was extremely rude to me.)

Listen, I grew up in the south, so I knew a person or two who were saving kissing for their wedding day. And let me tell you what: directly assigning morality to physicality almost always leads to something much grosser. Like, I dunno, hand humping — have you ever watched those 19 Kids and Counting kids sexually hold hands on their supervised dates? It is fucked. up.

But hey, we don’t know what Heather’s no-kissing reasons are. I'm sure she could be totally chill and not at all weird, and I'm sure she's not technically a college student right now and that's why they had to make up a rude profession for her, and I'm sure all those adventures in her bio are not just extracurriculars that she did at sleepaway camp last year, and I'm completely sure that we are going to have to watch this young woman get her first kiss on camera…

But surely that will pale in comparison to the world of hurt we're in for come Fantasy Suites. There are not enough throw pillows in the world for me to hide behind if I have to listen to Chris Harrison, a homemade robot with a lava lamp where his genitalia should be, explain penetrative sex to Colton, a grown man with an emotional resolve held together by chewing gum, crumpled up Crest WhiteStrips, and a nondenominational megachurch prayer.

But we can do this — if we do it together. Make sure all your trash-loving friends are signed up for TATBT, and if you’re really looking for the gift that keeps on giving, might I suggest a gift subscription!

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See you back here on January 7th for full coverage of Colton’s Bachelor season — I’ll bring the peaches.