A Bachelorette Bio Breakdown: They Would Do Anything for Love (And They Will Do THAT)

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There comes a time in every 20-something’s life…when they must take a season off from The Bachelor franchise. For me, that season was Nick. Not because I don’t like Nick—I find him no better or worse than any Bachelor(ette) who has come before him. (Actually I find him better because, uh, I’m pretty sure Prince Farming recently killed a guy).

I just needed a break. Yes I know about Corrinne. Yes, I stand in awe and fear of her. Yes, she has a perfectly round head-shape like a peanut M&M when they forget to put the peanut in that I don’t trust, but do tend to admire, a la Stassi from Vanderpump Rules. Though it left a gaping hole in my heart—as if I was forgetting to eat breakfast every single day, and that missing breakfast was made of thigh gaps and man-tears—it was good for me. I return refreshed, and more importantly, completely clueless about what to expect from Rachel, or as I have taken to calling her: the Rachelorette (pronounced R8chelorette).

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The only thing I can remember about Rachel from the brief glimpses I caught of Nick’s season is that she got the First Impression Rose of Doom and I once saw her in a full-out sprint and not a single part of her body jiggled. From what I understand, she remained charming throughout and some issues of race were (not awfully) addressed in her hometown visit. I have to imagine that conversation went something like this:

Rachel’s parents, in unison:  Nick, we can’t help but notice that you’re white. And also, that our daughter is way out of your league.

Nick: But—

Rachel’s parents, alternating back and forth every other word: Yes, even now that you’re two percent body fat and there’s something different about your face that we can’t quite put our finger on.

Rachel: Ha, you right, fam. See ya, Nick, I’m about to be the first black Bachelorette!

Nick: And I…I will take my last titular stand in Dancing With the Stars where I will wear more sequins and bronzer than any Bachelorette could ever dream of.

Since I clearly know very little about Rachel, I also expect very little out of her, which is kind of nice. Rachel can be a robot and it won’t really matter—in fact, since she’s from Dallas, a place solely populated by gallerias that smell like fancy fountains and hot young women that also smell like fancy fountains (lookin’ at you, JoJo), it will make perfect sense if she’s just an average, smart, attractive woman. But she’s also the first black lead in the Bachelor franchise, so y’know, the producers will probably run this entire freight train into the ground trying to be cool about that.

Unfortunately, unlike the contestant bios which are full of enlightening questions like “What fruit would you be if you could be any fruit?” and “What brand of high-end blender would you be I you could be any brand of high-end blender?” the Bachelorette’s bio is just four paragraphs of excruciating prose. And since Rachel is an attorney, hers is 80 percent lawyer puns, 15 percent conjunctions, 5 percent her own name, and exactly 0 percent concentrated power of will. What I learned is that. 1.) Rachel went to the University of Texas, which checks out because it’s almost easier to imagine her with a tiny temporary tattoo of a burnt orange longhorn on her cheek than without, and 2.) “Winning in court has never been a problem, but finding love is a case that unfortunately remains open.” Yeesh.

So, let’s, uh, call this court to order by meeting all 31 of the, uh, romantic prosecutors who have been, uh, subpoenaed in this case of, uh, LOVE IN THE FIRST DEGREE. Nailed it.

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This isn’t necessarily the all-around hottest group of suitors we’ve ever had. But it is the most diverse. And that’s because Rachel is a minority, so ABC will let her date another minority: a black guy, an Asian guy, a Latino guy…hell, she could even choose a white guy if she wants (but they will withhold her daily allotment of Snackwells if she tries to pull any of that shit). They’re so open-minded this season, you guys. Honestly! They’re very cool with what Caitlyn Jenner is up to; they retweet DeRay sometimes; some of their best friends went to the Women’s March.

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And while they may have curiously kept Rachel a blank slate in the marketing leading up to her season, all the jacked dudes trying to woo her come pre-packaged with a whole slew of questions by which to judge them. Pretty much every single one of them says they’re 6'2 or taller, they’re all obsessed with the Rock, Denzel Washington and Matthew McConaughey, like, six of them have inner-lip tattoos, and I don’t know if Rachel requested that they all be sexual deviants, or if this is just the Freak House that Kaitlyn Bristowe Built, but everyone has gotten up to some real weird shit in the bedroom. So without further ado…

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Rachel’s Top 12 Most Interesting Men (according to a questionnaire completed under a distorting blanket of warm Jägermeister served in a plastic cup by producers who lured you out of a food court Sbarro with promises of love and more deli meat than one could ever imagine, plus, if you mention Elon Musk in your questionnaire, everyone will think you’re smart, and also, if you say no to doing this, you’re probably at least a little subconsciously racist, just something to think about—alright, see ya in Calabasas, buddy!) in no particular order:

Adam—Real Estate Agent, 27

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When asked what his typical Saturday night looks like, Adam responded, “Well if it’s not with my couch, then I would go out with some friends for dinner and go out to a bar or club for drinks, maybe late night tacos.” Dude…you know that sounds like you’re fucking your couch. You know that. Adam also said the most romantic gift he’s ever received is a threesome for his birthday. Just him, his little lady, and that sweet, sweet couch.

DeMario—Executive Recruiter, 30

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Excuse me as I half claim DeMario as my 2017 boyfriend, and half assess him as my 2017 nemesis because he might be the person I wish I was. DeMario’s description of himself during social outings is like if a Kanye tweet (RIP) had an exclamation point baby with a Cher tweet: “100% the party starter… always blowing my whistle and making NOISE!!! Let’s fire it up, put on some Prince and party like it’s 1999!!!!” It could only be better if he threw a little Jaden-existentialism in the mix. And if those are all references you understand, you will also appreciate DeMario’s thoughts on being the center of attention: “I won’t lie, I love attention… not like ‘07 B. Spears attention or 2011 Sheen. Natural attention like when Justin and Brit wore those incredible denim outfits.” Oh, you mean MY PERMANENT TWITTER THEME?

DeMario has a real Michael B. Jordan thing going for him, he chose a crew neck t-shirt instead of a v-neck, and he seems to choose to capitalize words or abbreviate them completely at random. I love him and I will make him mine. And who does DeMario hope to make his? His ideal mate is, “Outgoing, people person, funny, crazy, calm, cool, loud, funny, geeky but cool like The Fonz.” Who has two thumbs, is standing near a jukebox, and is exactly like that? (Hint: It me.)

Anthony—Education Software Manager, 26

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Anthony is too young for Rachel, but he also seems like the smartest one in the bunch. He got a Fulbright Scholarship to teach on the Ivory Coast, he name checks that weird carnivorous island in Life of Pi, his favorite movies are the very well-rounded trio of The Iron Giant, Moonlight and The Matrix, and his ideal mate is intellectual. Also he says he has “virtually no limits” in the bedroom"…so he will let you do butt stuff.

Diggy—Senior Inventory Analyst, 31

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Homboy wore Warby Parkers to the beach. And they look good! Homeboy also took us on a wild ride via his questionnaire answers—and that makes sense. I don’t think you come by the name Diggy because of your mild demeanor. (However, that this is not a grown-up Diggy Simmons is a disappointment that cannot be overcome.) Diggy begins a lot of his sentences with “Now,” and it’s hard to tell if he’s marking the time or speaking like an elderly southern woman: “Now [chile], I’m trying to recover from the day drinking!” But once you get past that, I find his most embarrassing moment hilarious: “When I was stranded on a toilet for hours in 5th grade.” Tell me everything, I’m dying for more Dig-Diggy-deets!

Now, where I could have used less information is in his “fun story about a one night stand” answer. Diggy explains that he spent all day with a young lady, then she came home with him and they had sex. Then she got a text that her brother was missing, “so I played asleep so I didn’t have to help!” Hey Digs, wtf? That girl just gave you her special wonder gift and waited for you during your hours of patented Diggy Toilet Time—help her find her damn brother! [Ed. Note: They better fucking put that one-night-stand question in the next women’s questionnaire or I swear…I have no threat. I will watch this show until the day it kills me.But I WILL make a note of it!]

Bryan—Chiropractor, 37

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Thirty-seven?! Get it, Bryan! Bryan is cute and a little shifty, and not just because he’s a chiropractor (ed. note: sick chiropractor burn from someone who has never, not once, been to a chiropractor). For example, when asked to list his three best attributes, Bryan replies, “Affectionate/passionate, personable/charming/funny, kind/good heart.” Bryan. You can’t just use slashes and act like that isn’t seven attributes! Affectionate and passionate are not even remotely synonyms, and if they were, you could just say one. But Bry-Guy fits in all those great attributes, and then one more: Bryan’s favorite flower…is an orchid. Haaaaave ya met Bryan? He loves vaginas!

Bryce—Firefighter, 30

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We’re all on the same page that Bryce is an animated character of some kind, right? Like…he’s that thing where a cartoon Easter Bunny turns into a human man and is debatably hot, right? Also, “a fresh drink of water with a jolt of lightening” is an incredible way to describe yourself as a lover, right? In return, Bryce only asks that his mate have “eyes you could drown in and a smile that insults the sun.” I’m gonna be so mad when Bryce is totally boring and gets eliminated the first night, because describing handwritten letters as “one of the purest forms of materialized emotion” is just really not a diction rollercoaster I expected to take in the Bachelorette Bio Breakdown.

Fred—Executive Assistant, 27

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“My greatest achievement is attending two graduate school program from two different universities simultaneously and graduating from both in the same weekend.” Fred says he wants to be Ellen for a day, but he is, in fact, living the life of Hermoine with a Time-Turner. Fred also has the single most question-inducing answer of all the 31 men. When asked if he’s ever been turned on at the wrong time, he responds, “Yes, there are times that I get aroused at work and I have to go back to my desk to avoid being noticed.” Fred, “times?” How frequently this happening? And why is it always happening away from your desk? Where are you going in your office as an executive assistant that’s constantly giving you boners? Are you the executive assistant at PornHub? Is everyone at PornHub constantly having to watch you erection-dash back to your desk: “Uh oh, looks like Fred angled his dangle by the fish tank again.” I got my eye on your, Fred.

Kenny—Professional Wrestler, 35

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I have it on good authority that Kenny is actually a fairly well-known wrestler, and it is my own personal opinion that Kenny contains multitudes. He has a daughter who he speaks of very sweetly, his favorite book is The New Jim Crow, and he once sent a woman a different edible arrangement for a week. Please don’t be a dick, Kenny.

He also thinks he and The Rock are “very much alike,” which, I get it—I want to think I’m the most charming, beloved man in the world too. But I’m not the Rock, and neither is Kenny. If he’s anywhere close though, I demand he be the next Bachelor. And if not, I propose Kenny be cross-network drafted into The Challenge in what I am calling a “reverse-Miz.”

Lucas—Whaboom, 30

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Hey Lucas, real quick, what the hell. I don’t know if you noticed, but everybody this season has 1950s jobs: doctor, lawyer…professional wrestler. You can’t just make a made-up word your profession. You also can’t say that your ideal mate would be four different animated characters—Belle, Cinderella, Little Mermaid, and Jessica Rabbit—three of whom I’m pretty sure are teenagers. In the very weird Facebook Live Chris Harrison did, he described Whaboom for the confused listener: “It’s a lifestyle. It’s an essence. It’s who he is. It’s a noun, it’s a verb, it’s an adverb. You can be Whaboom, you can be Whaboomed, and you can Whaboom.” Hey Chris Harrison, you know what else is a lifestyle? Zippin’ it.

Jonathan—Tickle Monster, 31

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Which brings us to Jonathan and his stab at being the person with a weird job—sorry bro, who could have known Lucas was going to swoop in with Whaboom, spawning, like, 100 Bustle posts. Like “Twins” and “Dog Lover” before him, Jonathan has given himself an occupation that is not a thing, but my assumption is he’s a pediatrician or something. Either that, or he, a.) plays the Cookie Monster on Sesame Street and auto correct really did a number on him, b.) is a real creep. Jonathan does go on to specify that he usually lasts a long time in the bedroom…"in a good way.“ But when your profession is Tickle Monster, "a good way” really starts to feel relative.

I truly could not have made this joke better myself than this person on The Bachelorette Facebook page:

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Blake K—U.S. Marine Veteran, 29

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Blake K is very cute and very basic, and Rachel should marry him and have very beautiful children together. The man would want Chipotle on the desert island that exists only in these questionnaires; he loves The Rock and Shark Week; he admires his mom more than anyone else in the world, and his ideal mate has a great smile. Blake K will get voted off the first night or he will win, there is no in between.

Jack Stone—Attorney, 32

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Finally, Jack Stone. Jack Stone gives exactly no explanation for why he is going by Jack Stone, and his job is listed as “attorney,” not “super-secret antihero agent played by Matt Damon and/or Liam Neeson,” so I’m at a loss. There are no other Jacks. No one else lists a last name. Is it a double name? If he gets eliminated before we find out, I will never forgive Rachel…and neither will Jack Stone. Jack Stone has a very particular set of skills, Rachel. Skills he’s acquired over a long career. Skills that make him a nightmare for people like the Rachelorette. If you let him stay until the second cocktail party, that’ll be the end of it. He will not look for you, he will not pursue you, but if you don’t, he will look for you…he will find you and he will kill you.

Best of luck to you, Rachel. I hope none of these weirdos try to wear you like a coat or have a threesome with a couch or make you bounce with them in a moonwalk castle, or whatever. See you back here, friends, for intermittent recaps that will absolutely never be posted in a timely manner. Because I would do anything for you, dear reader—but I won’t do that.