A 'Bachelorette' Finale Recap: A Great Group of Guys & A New Bachelor
A 'Bachelorette' Finale Recap: A Great Group of Guys & A New Bachelor
Mazel Tov, Tayshia, and helloooo @MattJames919!
Ahead of The Bachelor premiere, TATBT wraps up Tayshia’s sweaty love story with her Final 4, and gives the teensiest preview of @MattJames919’s season you ever did see. Read along, and forward TATBT to your Bachelor-loving/hating friends!
Or really, Tayshia? Are you positive you can’t be with all four of them? Did you even ASK???
If I were the kind of gal that could wear a backless satin dress with no bra in 110-degree Palm Springs heat without producing an amount of under-boob sweat so monumental that the Bachelor production assistants would have to stop whatever theater tech set piece they were currently working on to Oompah-Loompa me out a Costco pack of sponges post-haste — and therefore, if I were the kind of gal who could have conceivably been named the second Bachelorette of Quarantine — then somewhere around this season’s Top 10, I would have been seriously considering polyamory. Because…
And I really don’t want to have to say this [ed. note: YOU HAVE TO SAY IT]…
After all these years of recapping The Bachelor, and The Bachelorette, and Bachelor in Paradise, and Bachelor Winter Games, and The Bachelor Goes to Camp, and 2 Bachelor 2 Burious, and The Bachelor: Electric Bugaloo, and The Bachelorette Goes to La Quinta Resort and Hookah Lounge, it pains me to cave like this [ed. note: SAY IT]…
After years of railing against casts that were too young, and too white, and too readily available to shill charcoal teeth whitening subscriptions on their Instagram stories, it kills me to admit that ABC did one single thing right [ed. note: Do it, bitch]. But it simply must be said:
This was a great group of guys. The group of guys that ABC cast for season 16 of The Bachelorette… were GREAT. [Ed. Note: Oh my god, she admit it.] It is to Tayshia’s immense credit that I was not furious with her by the end of this finale for booting Ben, Ivan, and then Ben one more time. Not to mention the likes of Riley, Demar, or Dr. Joe who—actually—I will mention, because:
That’s Joe — a hot anesthesiologist — talking about how jacked all of his friends are while his biceps literally file their own tax return. This was the caliber of person we were dealing with at the La Quinta Resort & Party Supplies. Tayshia let a hot, funny anesthesiologist go, like, third round.
But this season simply had an unusually stacked roster full of earnest, intelligent, expressive sweethearts (and also Bennett).
By finally casting a slightly older group of suitors for Clare to date, ABC managed to give us men who were comfortable exploring not just how they were feeling, but why they were feeling that way, and doing it in front of their girlfriend. These were men who had lived lives and learned lessons, and could show Tayshia exactly how they would behave in a relationship in the real world. And on The Bachelorette, that’s really all you have to go on — a hint of a promise that this dude won’t cheat on you once you stop being the only unmasked woman in his eyesight.
These men weren’t just telling Tayshia about their hopes and dreams for the future; they were telling her about how their lives have prepared them to achieve those dreams. They were doing their little vulnerability math equations and showing the work; they were offering primary sources, and evidentiary support from the literature. This cast of The Bachelorette came with footnotes, a works cited page, and CVS-length receipts.
I can’t believe how soft I’ve gotten after nine months alone inside my house, but I was honestly grateful to all these dudes for sharing their unique experiences with us. I dare say, I felt like I grew from listening to their dinner dates with Tayshia, tucked away in various alcoves throughout the La Quinta Resort and Used Tires.
When Ivan spoke to Tayshia about his brother’s experience in the prison system, he didn’t do it to show her how difficult his life has been, or to use his family’s trauma as a transactional means for building intimacy, as these time-crunched relationships are so often forced to do.
Ivan told Tayshia about his brother’s incarceration because it’s shaped his worldview, both as an older brother who wants to support his family no matter what, and as a Black man living in America. Ivan tells Tayshia that, a few years ago, after hearing that his brother had been mistreated by a corrections officer, his instinct would have been to ask what his brother did wrong. But in recent years, he’s come to understand that there’s nothing a person could ever do to deserve to be harmed by someone who’s been employed to prevent harm. “It changed me as a man,” he tells her. It changed him as a man. And in telling Tayshia how the Black Lives Matter movement that’s happening just outside the walls of the La Quinta Resort and Discount Phone Cases has been effecting him emotionally, Ivan opens up the door for Tayshia to allow her own emotions about BLM to rise to the surface in what seemed to be a very cathartic way. All of this…happened…on… The Bachelorette?!
Likewise, Zac shared his recovery from addiction not because it was a liability he needed to disclose to Tayshia, but because it’s a part of the person he is today. In one of the most romantic things I’ve ever heard on this show, Zac reassures Tayshia that he won’t walk away from her because, on the ninth anniversary of his sobriety, he understands commitment more than most. And over and over again, Zac found the perfect words to express not just that he had fallen in love with Tayshia, but why he had fallen in love with Tayshia, and exactly how he knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.
That’s right, baby…
The Quarantine season of The Bachelorette produced two engagements that actually made it out of that elephant graveyard of pampas grass, and out into the real world!
That’s more current engagements from this one season of The Bachelorette than the last five seasons of Bachelor(ette) combined. I’m not normally driven to collect franchise engagements like Beanie Babies, but I don’t know…I think these two couples just might work?? Clare and Dale are so weird that I genuinely believe they could choose to be weird together forever. And Zac and Tayshia are maybe the two most happily in love people I’ve ever seen, and it’s been two weeks since they got engaged on national television, and no one has come forward to say that Zac likes racist memes, or has a girlfriend, or sent dick pics to all the Kardashian siblings, or whatever.
I mean, Zac opened a recovery center after recovering from his own addiction, and he cries every time he thinks about how much his family helped him through the darkest days of his life. The man is filled with gratitude, which my Dad told me over the holiday is the opposite of fear. I really should have met this meaningful statement made at our Christmas dinner table by telling my family every single detail about Tayshia’s Final 4 men who regularly expressed gratitude over fear, freely and without hesitation.
We got to know these Final 4 in such a way that, by the end, they stood in stark contrast to Tayshia herself, who is still a bit of a mystery to me. If pressed, I think I could guess Zac’s social security number, whereas with Tayshia, the main attributes I’ve surmised are that she is kind, decisive, and the woman does not sweat. Can you imagine if God made you so beautiful that when putting on the finishing touches, She was like: You know what, I don’t want to spoil this with pores.
Last we spoke, Tayshia had just arrived to take over as the Bachelorette, all Disney princess eyes, blinding smile, and a genuine openness to meeting her 20 new boyfriends who had recently been dumped by that lady that left them for a taco model. Now, a handful of weeks later, Tayshia has been tasked by host Chris Harrison, her good personal friend Jojo Fletcher, a Mac Book Pro screensaver posing as a state-of-the-art lie detector system, and the entire exhausted staff of the LaQuinta Resort & Auto Loans to choose a husband from her remaining square-jawed boyfriends.
But once Tayshia took the helm of this ship—what with her confidence and her bone-dry palms—there simply was not much drama to be found.
There were just a bunch of mostly mature dudes feeling their feelings, or at least trying really hard to. And perhaps even more surprisingly, there was a fairly moving love story. And I guess this year especially, it felt nice to watch something turn from utter chaos (Clare & Dale) into a nice, simple happy ending (Gas & Brakes):
But before Tayshia could find Zac, she had to wade through what may have been the best Top 4 in Bachelorette history. So, in closing, I’ll take you through Tayshia’s Final 4, and right into previewing @MattJames919’s season, premiering tonight—because ABC is not going to miss grabbing back one single ad dollar that evaded them this spring.
BEN
For weeks, I casually referred to Ben as “The Saddest Living Boy in Palm Springs” because, while generally shaped like a Greek god, he always wears these little stretched out t-shirts that make him appear vulnerable in a very primal way. Like he’s unwittingly, yet constantly, tempting Edward Cullen to suck the life out of those collar bones.
Plus, sometimes, when not given a group date rose, Ben would retire to the confessional room, and sing the saddest little diddy you ever did hear:
This moment happened over a month ago at this point, and I have not stopped thinking about it since. I need to know everything: Did a producer ask Ben, “If you could sing a song how about you’re feeling right now, how might it go?” Did Ben just offer up this little number? Is Ben like Jess from New Girl, who sings his way through awkward feelings? I need to understand what brought this hot man to sing this itty bitty song about his sadness!!!
Of course, calling Ben a sad boi became a touch trivializing once Ben clued us—and Tayshia—into the many things in his past that have led him to close off his emotions as a defense mechanism. Ben went to West Point, followed by a career in the Army that he only left after he broke his back, during which time he became depressed and attempted suicide twice, something that no one in his life knows about except his therapist. During all of that, Ben was also battling an eating disorder.
And somehow, none of that has hardened Ben. He is sweet and loving, and tries very hard to express himself to Tayshia because he wants to have a future with her. But Ben is the perfect example of the way this show elevates the “timing” aspect of a relationship to a nearly unmanageable level.
If Tayshia and Ben had met anywhere except the LaQuinta Resort & Orange Julius, Ben could have opened up to Tayshia in a reasonable amount of time—say, more than two dates—about the many difficult things he has experienced throughout his life that have shaped him into the man he is today. Instead, we hear Tayshia repeatedly telling Ben that it feels like he’s holding back from her, and when he does open up, that he was “almost too late” because her other relationships are advancing so much quicker.
But of course Ben is holding back! Ben doesn’t have divorced parents; Ben’s sibling didn’t go through something hard; Ben is in lifelong recovery from an eating disorder and suicidal ideation, and that makes his vulnerability just a little more vulnerable than most, and definitely more difficult to reveal to someone you’re hoping to woo. There’s a huge difference between being able to share your emotions about something you’ve moved past, and something you’re still dealing with—and that difference in the amount of time it takes to build trust with someone.
Still, Tayshia wants to be sure Ben can express himself to her after his Hometown [ed. note: where ANTONIA FROM TOP CHEF attends as his very dearest family friend, and ultimately helps Ben realize that he loves Tayshia?!?!!?], and when he’s not able to eek out an “I love you,” or any of its franchise-approved variants, he’s sent home.
Everything Ben shares with Tayshia, and with The Bachelorette’s large and notoriously snarky viewership is so, so brave, and for many with similar experiences as Ben, probably pretty life-affirming. This gorgeous, nice, funny man has been through it too—no one is alone, and our pain is worth working through it.
Of all the people involved in this cast, we get to watch Ben grow the most, and I think he’s leaving the show a more open and introspective person. And while I’m sure it’s not the first time that’s happened, it is one few times I feel like I’ve gotten to watch it happen. (Hannah Brown also comes to mind, and suddenly a ship is forming in my head, and, ugh, can a girl get a Bachelor In Paradise premiere date around here???)
BRENDAN
Unlike Ben, I have never once seen Brendan’s collarbones. His clavicle is as invulnerable as his precious little mind is an open book. It’s like how you think Taylor Swift just likes retro bikinis, and then you realize, Wait a gosh darn minute, there’s no evidence that woman has a belly button. Who knows what could be going on under there?! Brendan is known for his signature turtlenecks, but he’s also known for being a sweet, sweet spirit who deserves only the best things in life.
Brendan believes the same thing about Tayshia, which is why he looks like he’s gonna hurl for most of the final two episodes.
Following his Hometown visit (where, I kid you not, Brendan and his tween niece do a synchronized handshake straight out of The Parent Trap), and right before his Fantasy Suite date, Brendan self-eliminates from the show.
You may recall that, like Tayshia, Brendan was married young, and divorced fairly recently. Brendan tells Tayshia that when he came on the show, he thought he was ready to get married again, because he “wants a wife and kids more than anything on the face of this earth.” [Ed. note: S W O O N.] But in facing the idea that getting engaged to Tayshia means getting engaged in a few days to someone he’s been on three dates with, Brendan has looked inward and realized a few things:
“I’m coming to the realization that there’s a big part of me that’s still broken; there’s a big part of me that still needs time to heal; there’s a big part of me that needs time to grow … and you deserve a man that’s whole,” he tells Tayshia.
Listen, this is hard for both of them because they really like each other, but that’s some M A N shit right there. Of course, it took a date where the producers forced Brendan and Tayshia look at 1,000 engagement rings with Neil Lane for Brendan to get to this place — but who among us hasn’t disassociated and had a major reckoning over our own emotional wellbeing while Neil Lane monologued at us over a melon tray?
Ignoring Neil Lane is therapy. (I wish Brendan all the best, and hope to see his turtleneck swimsuits on the beaches of Paradise soon.)
IVAN
I first knew I loved Ivan when I learned that he was an aeronautical engineer who loved chess. That love grew when he played “the floor is lava” on his slumber-party-themed date with Tayshia, and upon realizing he’d left the room service menus in the other room, Ivan still stepped exclusively on pillows and couch cushions on his way back to get them, even though Tayshia was in the other room and couldn’t see him. This is a man of principle...
This…
Is a hot rocket scientist. My friends’ parents are both aerospace engineers and she says they don’t like to be called rocket scientists because it’s inaccurate (see: abiding floor is lava rules even when it doesn’t matter, even when the floor isn’t lava). But I am nothing if not inaccurate for the sake of drama, so in my heart, Ivan is a rocket scientist, and in my mind—and Tayshia’s mind, and everyone’s mind—he is one of the most eligible bachelors this franchise has ever seen.
Ultimately, that seemed to kind of be the problem. Logically, Tayshia understood that she should want to be with Ivan, but I think she just wasn’t that attracted to him. Which is nuts, but I guess when you have 30 hot guys to choose from, every hot guy is just an average guy. Thank goodness she didn’t cut Ivan loose before Hometowns though, because that meant we got to watch his brother that we’ve heard so much about surprise him halfway through his date, which Tayshia noticed before he did:
I know Tayshia cares for Ivan at least as much as I do because of the way we wept in unison when Gabriel showed up.
And then we got to watch two adult brothers very clearly and vulnerably express how much they mean to one another.
It was very special! I cried the whole time! I’m crying looking at the screenshots!
Gabriel also reveals himself to be a very soulful person who describes the inner workings of The Bachelorette with beautiful language that it very much does not deserve.
He says that Ivan has showed up and supported him so many times in his life, so he had to come and support Ivan “in this righteous endeavor.”
Gabriel also likes that Tayshia describes Ivan as loyal because “loyalty is an action word.” It is! I’ve never thought of that! I have learned so many things on this season—what is happening!?!?
Unfortunately, our time with Gabriel is fleeting, because even though Ivan and Tayshia do retire together to a Fantasy Suite Air Stream [ed. note: honestly so rude, ABC], one of their up-all-night conversations apparently gives Tayshia pause. At the Rose Ceremony following Fantasy Suites, Tayshia pulls Ivan outside to tell him that she can’t move forward with him because they’re not on the same page about religion.
We are all stunned — I will speak for all of us — by this information, because we weren’t privy to whatever conversations happened in the Fantasy Suite, and though Tayshia has loosely mentioned her “faith,” she hasn’t been slinging around Bible verses or anything. But Ivan, while surprised to be going home, doesn’t seem shocked by Tayshia’s explanation as to why. He’s since said that he is agnostic and Tayshia is Christian, and while that wasn’t a problem for him, it was a problem for her.
Nonetheless, Ivan has surely been shortlisted to be the next Bachelor, and I think we can all agree that this was, at the very least…
BEN IS BACK
It will never not be funny that Ben Is Back is the name of a Julia Roberts/Lucas Hedges film. I assume said film is not about Ben from The Bachelorette returning to the LaQuinta Resort & CoinStar because he accidentally told every single person he saw on his way out that he loved Tayshia, EXCEPT FOR TAYSHIA…
But there’s no way to know for sure.
I understand that repeatedly telling Chris Harrison how much you love Tayshia, rather than telling her is a mistake you might want to rectify in order to not spend the rest of your life (or at least the time between now and Bachelor In Paradise) wondering: “what if I’d just told her how I felt.” And in the end, I’m glad Ben came back. It’s very endearing to watch him get comfortable with these words, and move past his fear of being rejected after telling a woman he loves her…
Does his worst fear ultimately come true?
Sure. But there’s no way to discover that your worst fear really isn’t the end of the world quite like doing it on national television.
Unfortunately, the one thing sweet baby Ben failed to realize about his return to the competition is that, just because realizing he loved Tayshia was a huge leap for him, doesn’t mean it was a huge leap for everyone else. Tayshia invites Ben to the rose ceremony, and then BOOM—Ben is back in a game that’s down to two players, and he is flying high. He gets to meet Tayshia’s wonderful family, who love that he went to West Point, but when he sits down to talk to them…
Tayshia’s dad asks Ben what he loves about Tayshia, and he earnestly replies: “I love the way she makes me feel.” Oh Ben! That is a very bad answer! It’s all well and good to love the way she makes you feel, but you can’t be the only reason you love Tayshia.
I’m sure there are plenty of other, better reasons Ben loves Tayshia, and he simply didn’t have time to put them into words after he had his epiphany with Antonia from Top Chef. But what Ben doesn’t know, is that while a simple “I’m in love with you just because I’m in love with you” may have flown in almost any other season, this season, he’s competing with…
ZAC
Has anyone ever expressed themselves as well as Zac consistently expresses himself to Tayshia? I guess part of it is that he’s just so confident, and so sure about his feelings for her…
So sure, in fact, that one could start to question if Zac always says the perfect thing because he’s trying to say the perfect thing.
But Zac isn’t perfect, and he doesn’t try to make himself out to be. When his family comes for Hometowns, he tells his mom that while at the La Quinta Resort & Sunglass Kiosk, he realized that he’s been lying to himself and everyone else for a long time. He’s been saying that he could be happy just being a fun, single uncle forever, because he assumed the future couldn’t possibly hold love and a family for him…
But meeting Tayshia has made him realize that it could. That it should.
Or as he tells Tayshia on their Fantasy Suite date when she asks why his mom was under the impression he didn’t plan on having children: “What I’ve realized in coming here, and putting every other area of my life hold, is that I do want to be a dad, and I know that I’ll be a good dad, and that I’ll be a good husband… because I deserve all those things.”
Ah, self-worth — the journey that never ends!
Later, when Tayshia has already cut Ben loose again, and had a tough conversation with her dad about whether she’s really ready for a second engagement, (these editors cannot fool me with a little scene-rearranging, I’m gonna notice Tayshia wearing a THICK denim dress in the Palm Springs heat TWICE), she starts experiencing and intense stress that we really haven’t seen her express before. Because now that she’s down to one person, she has to acknowledge what life will actually look like with that one person.
In their final meeting before the potential proposal, Zac asks what’s causing Tayshia’s stress, and she rambles about how things could suddenly go wrong in the future, and how that scares her. She tells Zac that he’s fallen in love with this independent person, but what if, down the line, she “just wants to be a mom.” And then, more to the root of things: “What if it changes? When things get hard, it’s much easier to run away than to stay.”
Oof. Knowing what we know about how Tayshia’s marriage ended—that she wanted to fight for it, and he didn’t—this stress spiral suddenly makes sense. And this is why Tayshia and Zac are perfect for each other. And why, if they break up, I will personally drive to New York City and force them to kiss and make up like the two gorgeous Barbie dolls they are…
Because everything in Zac’s past clicks so well with everything in Tayshia’s past. Zac reveals to Tayshia that today marks nine years of sobriety for him. “My recovery is the most important thing in my life because it allows me to not run away—to actually face life as it comes my way,” he tells her. Zac understands Tayshia’s fears about him running away, but “I understand the word commitment, I understand loyalty … and if I’m given the opportunity to propose to you, I’m not doing that unless I’m committing to you for my entire life.”
I know I’m just quoting every single thing that Zac says at this point, but that’s because it’s all gold, so here’s one more: “I know why I love you, Tayshia, and it has nothing to do with, if in five years you want to be a stay-at-home mom, or a waitress. That doesn’t matter to me because that’s not the reason that I love you.”
I said earlier that gratitude is the antidote to fear [ed. note: okay, my dad said it, and I think the new season of Big Mouth also says it with cartoons]. Zac has a lot in his life to be grateful for, and a lot in his life that he’s had to work hard to be grateful for. He isn’t afraid to love Tayshia wholly, openly, and quickly, because Zac has faced much scarier things than rejection. That fearlessness is pretty inspirational to watch.
And in the end, Tayshia and Zac fell in love not because he’s an amazing communicator, or because she seems to go for men with distinct jawlines. They fell in love because it just made sense, and my cold, dead heart — which has already been softened to an alarming degree — grew three more sizes watching their proposal.
If it’s all a little whispery and “I’m going to choose you every minute of every day of every month of every year” for you, I get it. But I’d still recommend drinking two glasses of wine, watching this proposal, and allowing yourself to sob a little.
Again, if these two break up, I will personally mail Chris Harrison an envelope full of glitter every single day until he marches them down the aisle and forces them to wed with the powers vested in him by The Network That Also Airs The Goldbergs…
@MATTJAMES919
Orrrrr I’ll forget all about Zac and Tayshia completely the moment a new season of The Bachelor premieres, which should be happening any minute now! The devil works hard, but Bachelor production works harder… and in hotter temperatures… and with more poking and prodding of vulnerable individuals.
So I’d love to quickly list everything I know about our new Bachelor, Matt James:
He is best friends with Tyler Cameron. Shortly after everyone fell in love with Tyler Cameron on Hannah Brown’s season of The Bachelorette, Tyler was allowed to return to his regularly scheduled Instagramming, where we were delighted to discover than he had an equally hot, equally athletic, equally nice best friend: @MattJames919.
Matt James was originally cast on Clare’s season. At some point, Clare came out with a very Clare statement (unearned in its assertiveness, but fun nonetheless) about men cast for her season making Cameo accounts, and how they couldn’t possibly be coming on for the right reasons. Everyone raged against her in defense of Matt James’ Cameo account, but Clare insisted her statement was not about @MattJames919, who she understood was already extremely famous.
Matt James is the first Black Bachelor. Bachelor fans (uh, some Bachelor fans) have long called for more diversity in the lead role of our favorite terrible television show, and ABC has long defied us. Like, for 20 years. It’s wild. When the Black Lives Matter movement made way for more direct reckonings with diversity in the entertainment industry, The Bachelor was not exempt. ABC plucked @MattJames919 from Bachelorette-bio obscurity with a quickness, and while we do not congratulate ABC on picking an extremely eligible Black man in 2021 when extremely eligible Black men been available for the last 24 seasons, we do congratulate Matt James on being extremely eligible. And extremely hot!!!
@MattJames919 is extremely hot. End of statement.
On paper, Matt James’ women seem cool too. There’s a professional ballerina, a bunch of lawyers, a social worker, an actual 6-foot-tall runway model with natural buzzed hair…but there are also so many 23-year-olds. So I hope you enjoyed all that introspection and self-reflection while it lasted, because we’re back to screaming at people to stop crying in 5, 4, 3, 2…