Right up there with Christmas, Girl Scout cookie season, the return of Mini Cadbury Eggs to Walgreens’ shelves, and the weather finally getting cold enough to wear unnaturally-hued fur coats again…The Bachelorette Hometowns are something I look forward to the whole year round.
But the other side of that anticipation, is that I also dread my beloved Hometowns episode. What if it doesn't live up to my high expectations? What if none of the men have creepy, mouth-kiss-relationships with their moms? What if I can't find a way to adequately describe just how many beaded lampshades I spotted over the course of two hours [ed. note: the limit does not exist! the limit does not exist!]? But in the end, Hometowns always exceed expectations because there is something so fascinating about seeing where a person comes from. I don't love Becca's "I want to see who made you the man you are today" line she keeps trotting out because any time Becca repeats a phrase more than once, I'm instantly haunted by ghosts of Do the Damn Thing past. But I get where she's coming from…
Once you get to know someone, even tangentially, you begin to make judgement about what in their life experience has shaped them into the unique person that they are. On The Bachelorette, having those judgments confirmed (Colton!) is fun, but having those judgments subverted (Jason!) is just as exciting. Mining the families and childhood homes for clues is the perfect opportunity to learn more about these men we've been watching for weeks, but know little more about than their favorite kind of formal-wear and entire sexual history.
After all, the earliest roots of almost all emotional baggage stem from the parents — just ask any psychologist, or say, Blake's family, who are all gathered together to meet Becca, even though he recently revealed to us that his mother cheated on his father and then started a new family with his basketball coach, a dynamic that you better believe I was dissecting ever nano-second clip of with a Beautiful-Mind-like preoccupation.
I understand that to many, Becca's Hometowns episode could have seemed like an uneventful one: there was no JoJo's mom chugging Moet straight from the bottle, no disruptive siblings with hand tattoos, or overprotective parents, or particularly evident Oedipal complexes. But to me, the joy of Hometowns lies not in the blowups or potential drama — no, no, it's the little things. It's Colton's mother's face when Becca says she knows that he hasn't dated many women:
It's all them big ass clocks.
Nothing is more important to three out of every four Bachelorette contestant families than knowing what time it is, and more crucially, not having to avert their eyes any further than a flick to find said time on their very own walls. I do not want to imply that there's anything wrong with big ass clocks. There is not. It is simply fascinating the decorative themes that reveal themselves when one is exposed to enough middle-to-upper-class-white-person homes on an ABC reality show. There are unlimited sectionals; there are beaded lampshades; there are thick candlesticks and ornate wine glasses and shiny place mats; there are those big ass clocks…
And of course, there's that encouraging platitude of any HomeGoods' wall-decor aisle worth its weight in printed canvases:
Just when I thought Colton's family had won this competition they had no idea they were a part of — although I do get the feeling that to Colton's family, everything is a competition, so they'll be sorely to disappointed to find how handily they lost this one — Blake's family came in with a ringer: a Live Laugh Love multi-photo-frame within spitting distance of a gorgeously gigantic clock. [Ed. note: Does that clock say they’re arriving at 9 p.m.?!] It was the the stuff of Hometowns dreams. In a time of emotional turmoil for our dear Bachelorette and her boyfriends, they surely appreciate being offered clear, concise, three-part instructions on how to exist by a picture frame:
Live… like you only have two more weeks to make what should be the most important decision of your life.
Laugh… like your family will lock you in the basement and not let you go back to L.A. if you don't seem like the happiest you've ever been.
Love… like if you don’t — there will be no free sex-trip to Chiang Mai for you, sir.
On The Bachelor(ette), the greatest of these is certainly Love, and Monday's episode was overflowing with it as everyone rushed to cash in their Love chip: good for one free ticket to Fantasy Suites. Unfortunately for one unlucky-in-live-laugh-love brochacho, there are only three remaining boyfriend slots. May the best hometown win.
**A note: each Hometown recap will begin with Becca doing her very favorite thing: lacing up her cleats, positioning herself on the starting block, and sprinting into a very large man’s waiting arms in an aerial leap. We have always known that Becca did this, but seeing her go on four dates in row and realizing that she SOLELY does this was really something.
HOMETOWN No. 1: GARRETT
Manteca, CA.
WHEN TO DRINK IF YOU WERE TO PLAY A DRINKING GAME WITH THIS EPISODE THAT AIRED FOUR DAYS AGO: every time you spot a leather sectional; every time someone else in the family looks nervously at Garrett's mother when he and Becca talk about being in love; every time someone says "family values"
But hey, maybe let's not shit all over people who might not have been born into perfect nuclear families with agricultural businesses, y'know? All's well and good with marrying someone who's crazy-close to their family just like you are to yours until you find yourself approaching December, assuming you'll be opening "Santa" presents in the living room of your own childhood home on Christmas Day, only to find that your partner is assuming the very same thing. Coming from similar backgrounds does not necessarily equate having similar values, but if I had a nickel for every time Becca, Garrett, and Garrett's family implied that it does, I'd have enough nickels to stuff into a sock, swing it around a few times, and knock some sense into Becca and Garrett so that they might dig a little deeper than this telltale exchange:
Becca: Do you think we align?
Garrett: I do!
Well, then, that settles it! This comes after Becca physically pulls the information out of Garrett that the last woman he brought home was his ex-wife, whom he ultimately broke up with when he realized their "family values" did not align because she didn't seem to want him to spend time with his family. Presumably, Becca and Garrett's family values do align because they both want to spend time with each other’s families, and they want to have a family of their own. (Will that family be raised to believe that dehumanization of those from different backgrounds than you is humorous internet fodder? TBD.)
According to Garrett's family, he became a completely different person while he was married, it sucked all the light and positivity out of him, and since that soul-crushing experience feels like it was just a few weeks ago, they'll be damned if they let him marry the wrong person again. These are the faces Garrett's parents make when he toasts to "being surrounded by the people you love, and that you're falling in love with."
Thinking that family is important is one singular, important value; it is not the umbrella under which every other value resides! Let's dig a little deeper before we start filling up those car seats, huh? Here's hoping their Fantasy Suite will have an Enneagram test and a voting history print-out next to the bowl of condoms…
BIGGEST SURPRISE: This giant wrist tattoo that seems to say "sinestu" (???), but I choose to believe says SINISTER, and all of Garrett’s adorable smiling is actually a cover for satanic worship :D
HOMETOWN No. 2: JASON
Buffalo, NY
WHEN TO DRINK IF YOU WERE TO PLAY A DRINKING GAME WITH THIS EPISODE THAT AIRED FOUR DAYS AGO: every time Jason mentions Buffalo; every time someone in Jason's family looks at him with a combination of fondness and pity
Jason tours Becca around Buffalo and shows off some hockey skills, but the most important thing we learn is that other than his parents, the couple Jason most looks up to is his older brother Steven and brother-in-law Billy. There's no fuss made about the fact that they're gay, Jason just tells Becca excitedly that she'll see “how healthy and happy they are, how they complement each other, and how they're best friends." And we all soon get to see that in addition to wanting to model a relationship after his brother's, Jason should also be looking to him as a role model in another department…
In fact, everything about Jason's family is a pleasantly positive surprise. You really don't notice how few books you see in these homes until you suddenly see a house full of bookshelves. This beautiful old home looks like it smells of mahogany and features rich dinner table discussions with very few beaded place mats, and I don’t know, like, dessert wine or something...
But what Jason is giving to Becca (other than all those sexy, sexy make-outs) has been a little up in the air to this point. He's the only man who hasn't expressed that he's falling in love with her and, as covered in last week’s TATBT, Hometowns are his last chance. So he does the smartest thing Jason can do, and goes to the people with the smartest haircuts and glasses in his family: Steven and Billy.
I love that this is a very poetic way of a big brother saying, Stop being a butt face, you dummy. And, heeding that advice, Jason goes for it. I mean, he really goes for it. He's told Becca over and over that he never says things he doesn’t mean, and now he skips right the hell over falling-in-love-with-you, and goes straight for, "I'm so insanely, wildly in love with you." Unfortunately, this is the face Becca is making when he says it:
HOMETOWN No. 3: BLAKE
Bailey, CO
WHEN TO DRINK IF YOU WERE TO PLAY A DRINKING GAME WITH THIS EPISODE THAT AIRED FOUR DAYS AGO: every time Becca's entire body melts thinking about how much she loves Blake; every time you worry for Li'l High School Blake; every time you worry for Current Grown-Up Blake
Blake has been through some stuff man, and much like his family, I'm just real worried about him getting his little "life is a gift" heart broken. But for now, he and Becca are flying high because Blake has a surprise for her. Now, all episode long, these dudes have been telling Becca they have surprises for her. But planting a rose bush and riding on a Zamboni did not elicit the reaction that Blake’s surprise got:
Beyond being simply a nice person, is Becca actually a cool person?
How much has Becca been suffering dancing along to these country bros if "Ignore Me" is her favorite song?
Was that live? Betty Who sounded incredible!!!
How could she possibly not choose Blake after this fairytale moment??? How? HOW? How?
HOMETOWN No. 4: COLTON
Parker, CO
WHEN TO DRINK IF YOU WERE TO PLAY A DRINKING GAME WITH THIS EPISODE THAT AIRED FOUR DAYS AGO: every time you admire the highlights in Colton’s mom’s bangs; every time you wonder if Colton has actually brought home, perhaps, one hundred girls, including Tia who the entire family regularly references by name
Becca keeps saying that the thing she's most concerned about with Colton is that he's only been in one serious relationship… but that is obviously some buuuull shit, as it seems that both Garrett and Blake have also only ever had one serious relationship, and Jason could have been cryogenically frozen for the last 10 years, for all we know. No, this is not a quantity concern, this is a quality concert; now that Becca knows Colton is a virgin, she seems suddenly unsure if he can recognize what it means to be in love and headed toward marriage in such a short amount of time.
The dude just seems young… especially when you see his dad who looks like you just uploaded a picture of Colton onto some free age-progression app.
Across the board, Colton’s family seems very informed of the mechanics of this show. Everyone talks about Fantasy Suites and Tia and "getting down on that knee" with pro-like familiarity. Colton's dad asks about the Tia situation, and Colton says he "addressed it like a man." That somehow leads Colton's dad to tell Becca, "He seems to have explained himself, but has the love and engagement between you and Arie been addressed with him?" Which, firstof all, weird. Second of all, she's the Bachelorette — she barely even has to explain herself to God. Third, Becca tells him the truth which is basically: Uh, your adult son hasn't really asked me about it.
Colton's dad follows that up by telling Becca that unless Colton is the one, he hopes she'll cut him loose sooner rather than later. And even though Becca says she loves hearing Colton say that he’s in love with her, it seems that she's just receiving a couple too many red flags from a couple too many angles. See, normally after we watch the fourth Hometown, we see the fellas return to L.A., and the Bachelorette cuts one of them loose. But this time, we check back in with Becca first, who's gamely telling the camera, "I just need to talk it through with the people who know me best."
Those people who know her best would of course be her former sister-girlfriends that she spent a few weeks with last summer. While all the other women are listening excitedly to Becca's updates after the Hometowns, Tia is making this face:
GIRL. I feel you that it sucks, and it’s fair to be upset that you like someone who is off limits, but Colton is off limits — not to Becca, to you, Tia! The time for "being completely honest with yourself" was in that creepy make-shift spa when Becca first presented the situation to you. But now, you've been on one date with this dude, and you're asking a friend that you’ve already shard one boyfriend with…who is potentially in love with this guy…who has said that he’s in love with her…to take your too-little-too-late feelings into account. Or as Becca says it, much more efficiently:
