A (Belated) TATBT Bachelor recap: What'd I Miss?

Oh yes, baby—you is. All you do is miss things, Colton! You are like…the least certain person I've ever encountered. You are entirely…equivocal.

You say that you "pride yourself in trusting your gut,” and then the second two women get into an argument because they're dating the same guy, you have to don your finest Singaporean fedora, stick a press ticket in it that the producers let you make during arts-and-crafts hour, and get to work trying to mine every single detail in order to understand who said what when, and who is telling the truth, and which person could possibly rip your heart out of your chest according to the quotes you've heard about them…

Also, Colton, babe: you're a terrible journalist! You give up your sources constantly!

Now, if you've felt like you were missing something over the last few weeks, and that something was TATBT plus the sweet, sweet sounds of comparing Chris Harrison to a wax apple so realistic your grandmother takes a bite out of it and ruins Christmas because she had to go to the hospital…then you would be correct.

[Ed. note: Hey if you haven't subscribed to this newsletter, DO IT! Only YOU can make it possible to have maximum TATBT and prevent forest fires!]

Indeed, it is my thrill to announce that I had a flu so irksome I actually stopped watching reality TV for a few weeks.

Somehow, after the 102 fever, Tamiflu-induced nausea, and daily personal power hour of Robitussin, I found the visual of Colton sweatily eating shrimp while Heather stared at his mouth hole a little daunting. And now that I've caught up with episodes 5 and 6—I am reeling. Last I left this show, Colton had narrowed his girlfriends down to 13, which Hannah G marvels at being such a manageable number that she "could just reach out and high five all you guys."

Can you believe I nearly let this signature Hannah G content slip by me? But even with her colorful imagery, I couldn’t help but notice that there were still enough girlfriends to staff an entire soccer team, plus two Hannahs to spare. But following these two episodes (I’m not touching the most recent episode 7 just yet, so I hope Colton doesn't suddenly become a self-assured non-fence-jumper, or I'll look like a real dope), the girlfriends have been cut by half and it’s almost time for Hometowns — I am not prepared for the big ass clocks!

Neither, it seems, is anyone else in this cast…

A very interesting thing happens over the course of these two episodes where half of the women decide that the other half of the women are not ready for marriage, and then basically go full kamikaze pilot to expose them to Colton. On their way out, Sydney, Demi, and Katie all say to Colton that there are some women in the group who are ready for marriage and some women who are not, and he should choose wisely. This is…

Patently absurd. Colton likes 23-year-old blonde women who are skinny enough to make liking pizza on Instagram a whole personality. And that is not those women's fault—it is Colton's. The man says no less than 17 times throughout these two episodes that his "greatest fear in all this" is that he'll get to the end and choose a woman who's not ready to get married. But mark my mother fucking words, even with that fear, he will pick a 23-year old whose current resume reads "Alpha Delta Pi Homecoming Chair, 2017; Anthropologie Inventory Associate 2018 – present."

And it is not the fault of that expert sweater-folder that Colton likes her more than the regular-level sweater folders who don't say "opening up isn't really my jam" when trying to establish an emotional connection.

Colton is simply going to be attracted to who he's attracted to just like any other human. But unlike people with a little more, oh let's say life experience—Colton hasn't quite grown out of that "say I want one thing, but go for another" phase. I used to think I wanted to date men who could keep up with my Kool-Aid-Man-style approach to socializing, but eventually I noticed that I'm only actually attracted to men who exude intelligence silently and kindly from corners…so, y’know, I had to reconcile that.

Colton says he wants a woman who is bold and confident and wants to get married, sure; but eventually he'll realize that he just wants a woman whose favorite movie is The Notebook and can show both rows of her teeth while smiling. And that's just fine! Colton is going to like who he likes, but let's not act like marriage preparedness has anything to do with what is going on here…

Colton is most attracted to the women who aren't ready for marriage after less than two months of dating because he won't be ready for marriage after less than two months of dating. And the women who could mentally be ready for marriage after two months of dating shouldn't be mad at the 23-year-olds who decided to audition for the Bachelor at a Pasadena Marriot for that—they should be mad at Colton for saying he wants one thing and actively choosing another.

I can understand Sydney's frustration at being told that Colton is so dead set on getting married, but then she looks around the room and can't figure out why she wouldn't be Colton's first choice given her passion, her beauty, and her readiness to start splitting New York City rent two ways.

But Colton doesn’t want to get married, not really; Colton wants to follow the rules. And the rules of The Bachelor clearly state: propose to a woman at the end of this or Chris Harrison will be the biggest bitch ever to you at the live finale, and Neil Lane will haunt you like a Hogwarts ghost after he passes…

Colton doesn’t want that! He's just a simple boy who wants to keep everybody happy and do a good job. He also wants to dry hump an Instagram influencer to completion, then put on a really long shirt and create a lifetime worth of social media content together. Whaddarya gonna do?

FRENCHING IN THAILAND

As a reminder: Heather has told Colton that in all her 23 years on this blonde earth, she's never kissed anyone because it's a very important moment to her. Now, on her one-on-one date, she wants Colton to understand she is ready for that very important moment with him, but she wants him to understand that without her having to say anything or make the first move. Colton waits until the very final moment of the date to be completely—but still wordlessly—sure that it’s the right time to kiss her…

These are the communication stylings of two people who are definitely ready to commit their lives to each other.

Since they're both thinking about something incessantly that they're not talking about, Heather and Colton have what probably felt like a kind of awkward date to them, and to me, felt like I was standing naked in a college classroom that I haven’t been to all semester but have to take a test in now, and also I just called the teacher "mom," and also all my teeth fell out, and also is it true that if you die of secondhand embarrassment in a dream, then you actually die in real life because I think I’m dead now, you’re reading the recap of a ghost.

About the time Colton suggests that they blow kisses to a monkey, and then stops himself—"Oh wait, do you blow kisses"—Heather probably should have realized she was going to have to take a little initiative if she wanted Colton to understand that she’s ready for him to kiss her. Reader, that is not what she does…

She just waits and hopes that he'll catch onto her staring at his mouth hole all afternoon…

Finally, in the nighttime portion of the date, Colton asks about Heather's relationship history, and she tells them that after college (which I believe ended within the last year for her), she dated a man who was "like, literally everything I wanted on paper," for eight months. Colton naturally asks how she could have dated a man for eight months without kissing him if this isn't some only-holding-hands-until marriage sort of deal (oh how the turntables, Colton my boy).

Heather says, "He took me on dates and it was nice but I didn't feel it with him. All my friends were like, 'He's so great, just kiss him, just keep going’ … I lasted eight months."

She lasted eight months not really liking someone, but feeling like she should date him because that was what other people told her she should be doing. Colton, does this sound like someone who is ready to get engaged after a few weeks on The Bachelor?

Oh, what's that, you're giving her a rose and saying, "You are someone who I can…definitely…respect"? Cool, cool, cool, these are solid decisions!

They go watch fireworks on the beach with absolutely no backing music, and then Colton finally kisses her. "It literally felt so natural," Heather—a woman who was friends with a man for eight months and thought it was a relationship—says.

"I'm on a high and I don’t think there's anything that can ruin it," Colton—a man who's about to have his night ruined—says.

ELYSE? MORE LIKE EL-EAVE, AMIRIGHT?

Listen, I still like Elyse, but our girl fumbled the bag in week 5. And surely we all saw the writing ont he wall once we feasted our eyes on this surprise reveal…

The shoes come off, and the truth comes out, as they say. The truth, in this case, is of course a tattoo of a Chanel…anklet…rosary??? We all know that famous Coco Chanel quote, after all: "Before you leave the house, look in the mirror and take one thing off, but make sure you have one thing you can never take off, and make sure that thing is an image completely incongruous with the brand that it touts." You know the one…

Anyway, I know that many people see tattoos as art, and I do not begrudge Elyse her craft, but given the rosary anklet and what's coming next, I might, perhaps, question her impulse control.

After Elyse begins to spiral about Colton going on dates and having strong connections with other women, she decides that the best course of action is to go talk to him with no clear understanding of what she's looking for out of that conversation. Then she does something that is so relatably vain and dramatic, and I love it: Elyse does her hair in a full up-do, she does her makeup complete with contour and brows, and she puts on her best statement dress. If Elyse is going out with this conversation, she's going out in style.

And by "in style," I do mean, inexplicably dressed like a bride while all the other women are in sweats, contractually obligated to sit together until Heather gets home.

It must be a sign that everyone respects Elyse that they're not all like: "Heyyyy gilr, what the fuck?" Once Heather gets back and tells all of her other sister-girlfriends that Colton kissed her (weird flex, but okay), Elyse wordlessly gets up and leaves to walk to Colton's room.

Now, during their date, I thought Colton seemed pretty enamored with Elyse and all of her "quiet confidence" (that's what he says to all the Olds), but when she arrives at his door dressed like a bride, he cannot even muster a smile. The man is tired after a day of not kissing Heather, and he does not want to about the way things look anymore.

But he invites her in, and Elyse tells Colton that after their one-on-one she's been struggling watching him with the other women: "And it’s not like I can call Chris Harrison and say I want every one-on-one for the next year.” Oh, sweetheart—Chris Harrison doesn’t even have a phone. They just unzip him from a customized medical cocoon every time they need him, and most of the time they don’t even bother, and just replace him with a small table instead.

"I want the time and attention that a relationship deserve," Elyse cries to Colton, a thing that is completely reasonable to say in every other situation in the world except for the exact one she's in right now.

It's like Elyse technically understands the rules of the game, but she's hoping that maybe, just maybe, if she walks into Colton's room with dress slits up to her thigh cleavage, that Colton will ditch all his favorite small blondes and run away with her. When it becomes clear that won't be happening, Elyse changes direction: "There's a part of me that hoped I'd come in here tonight and you would just say that you had a bigger connection and you wire fine and we'd be great friends or whatever so it'd be easier."

Colton tells Elyse that's not the case and this kills him to hear because, "That's not me, like…I don’t give up on relationships."

That’s pretty rich coming from a man who, by the end of the season, will have broken up with 29 people???

"I can't, like, literally accept a proposal after a few months of sharing your time and attention with other people, I can't do it,” she tells him. It’s been a long, weepy road to get here, but this from Elyse I can respect. She knows she can't get engaged after a maximum of three one-on-one dates with this man, and so she's taking herself out of the equation.

My only real problem with it is that we could have had an age-appropriate ginger Bachelorette, but Elyse had to go and decry the whole "process" on her way out. I'm sure she would be fine with dating 30 men as opposed to being one-of-30 women, but a very big part of being the Bachelor(ette) is saying "I've been in your position, I know how you feel" over and over until you chew your own tongue off…

And Elyse can't say that, if when she was in the position of splitting a boyfriend 13 ways she self-imploded in a cloud of translucent lace.

Elyse says she has to leave, and Colton says she doesn’t, and they have a little mini-Rachel-and-Peter moment at the door, but without all the raw sexual energy.

"For someone to just give up on me is so confusing," Colton says. "That's my worst nightmare, like, getting to the end of this and not getting loved back." I understand that fear, I do. But it kind of seems like if it's truly Colton's worst fear, then shouldn't he be happy that the ones who won't want be ready to marry him at the end of two months are self-eliminating?

Oh, what's that, Colton doesn’t know what he wants or needs, and everything he says is about as meaningful as the teacher talking in Charlie Brown? Cool, cool, cool.

WHO LIVES, WHO DIES, WHO TELLS ELYSE'S STORY

Elyse may be gone, but her ability to torment Colton lives on! Apparently before she left, Elyse told Onyeka that at some point, Nicole told her she only came on the show for the opportunity to leave Miami. That would be Nicole who, the main thing that we know about her, is how much she loves her twin brother with severe autism.

Onyeka says she hates to be the one to have to tell Colton something he doesn’t want to hear. But she doesn’t look like she hates it…

Here, it seems worth noting that Onyeka is a "Risk Consultant." Now, as a pop culture writer, I don’t really know what any normal jobs are other than teacher, doctor, and Sandwich Artist®. But one could surmise from the name that a risk consultant calculates…risks? And what is the number one rule of The Bachelor?

Don't risk talking shit about another contestant because it will always, always come back to bite you. And Onyeka blowing up Nicole's spot is no different…

But the things about Nicole is that even if she is using the show as an opportunity for a change or whatever, she's clearly not some malicious person. She's been very forthcoming with Colton about her life and, as Onyeka notes in a brutal scene they didn't show in the episode (oh, but there was room for 20 unedited minutes of Colton and Hannah G taking a clothed sex shower?), she cries all the time.

In the deleted scene, Onyeka tells Nicole she’s "been discussing things with other people, and sometimes it's a question of whether you're, like, fully emotionally stable to be in a relationship,” due to the frequency of her tears. This is…so rude and presumptuous. It also doesn’t make any sense!

As someone who cries easily, I do not appreciate the this Big Tear anti-lobby. Everyone knows that people who cry a lot are more emotionally stable because they're grappling with their emotions openly, and if some of us are only able to do that via a well-scored Johnson & Johnson commercial, rather than by having emotions about our actual lives, I think that's fine.

Nicole tells Onyeka, "This is the way I connect with people, I'm super vulnerable, and I wear my heart on my sleeve." That is fine too! And Colton seems to agree, given the way he sits Nicole down for one of his now signature "this is, word-for-word, the shit that another girl just talked about you" conversations; as soon as Nicole says that she never said anything about the opportunity to leave Miami, he's like, sure okay no prob.

Meanwhile, Onyeka is reporting back to the other women what she told Colton about Nicole. "Because I'm here for Colton, I went straight to him and told him exactly what Elyse said," she says with her nose literally in the air…

And in perhaps my favorite moment of the season thus far (although another one is coming quickly to knock it right out), Tayshia calmly swivels her head and says, "Well that's awkward, because I was actually there for that conversation and Nicole never said any of that."

Just gorgeous stuff.

Onyeka is immediately thrown, but still trying to act like she's in the right. Then Nicole comes back from her conversation with Colton and tells Onyeka, "I have been nothing but honest and here for the right reasons, so I just don't understand why you're spreading rumors to Colton." And in my NEW favorite moment of the season, Onyeka responds indignantly, "I'm not spreading rumors, I'm literally telling him something I was told." Which is…literally the definition of a rumor.

Onyeka has gone full Ja Rule on the Fyre Fest defense: It's not fraud, it's false advertising!

At the next cocktail party, Nicole defends herself to Colton, saying, "I don’t want a boyfriend, I don’t want an Instagram husband—I'm looking for a partner, that’s why I left Miami … and it's been worth it because I've gotten to know you."

Colton fucking loooooves it. He loves being told that he's great and not being told that anything, ever is or has not been great. "There is something else," Nicole continues…

Nicole, baby, noooooo! Nicole says she doesn’t want to stoop to Onyeka's level, but she needs to tell Colton the truth. But this is not about level-stooping, and it doesn’t matter what the truth is. Can't they understand!?

It only matters that Colton is completely undone by any conflict whatsoever. It infuriates him to have to feel negative emotions. After Onyeka finds out what Nicole said (directly from Colton, obvi), the women get into a loud argument that for some reason Colton feels like he needs to go sit down in the middle of. In my new favorite scene, Onyeka says, "I can honestly say that I would neer in a million years call anyone mentally unstable," and then the scene immediately cuts to:

I just don't understand why these women can't recognize that it makes Colton extremely angry when people tell him anything that is not a traumatic life event, a description of the view, or a direct compliment. Even Harrison get it…

But Colton actually makes the right decision here and just sends both Nicole and Onyeka home at the Rose Ceremony. Afterward he says, "I don’t want to find out that somebody I'm falling in love with isn't ready, that's like my greatest fear."

And then he chooses two 23-year-old model/influencers for his next two one-on-one dates. This guy—he's really something special folks.

DOUBLE ENTENDRE, DOUBLE ENTENDRE

There really is nothing to say about Colton and Cassie's date except that they are insanely attracted to each other and make out the entire time. You can understand why Sydney would look at the connection between Colton and Cassie and be like: Okay, I guess I'll just see myself out.

Colton takes Cassie to a "private island" that is basically just a pile-up of sand in the middle of the ocean, and spreads her butt cheeks apart a bunch while they make out. (I said what I said—the man is obsessed with her butt!!!).

At their nighttime date she tells him he's special, and she tell him he's special.

She also tells him her sex hang-up (don't you miss being 23?!) which is that she's not a virgin; apparently, there are people in her life who might be surprised by that fact once the show airs. I really admire Cassie's subtle "I'm one hundred percent going to have sex with you" play here, but something is also clearly up…

It used to be that there'd be, like, one Secret Mormon every once in a while on The Bachelorette, but in Colton's season, it seems like everyone is a secret evangelical Christian. Everything Cassie is saying screams that she was raised with some very conservative views about sex, but if she actually says that to Colton, we never hear it. Thank goodness for the internet, then…

As it turns out, this is not Cassie's first reality TV rodeo! In 2016, she filmed a show called Young Once that followed beachy college students attending the very conservative Christian university, Biola (also where Heather went—weird!). Cassie dated a dude on that show, and then it was renewed for a second season which, per Reality Steve, only finished shooting two weeks before Cassie came on The Bachelor.

I honestly don't care that Cassie was on another reality show or if she was dating someone two weeks before she arrived, but I do care that Cassie signed a no-sex contract at her university, which explains why she's nervous about her friends and family finding out she's not a virgin—but doesn’t explain why ABC wouldn't tell us that information when there’s seemingly unlimited time for butt cheeks.

There's so much this season that we're just expected to just ignore: that Onyeka clearly called Nicole emotionally unstable in a scene that wasn't included in the episode; Cassie and Heather's glaring ties to the conservative Christian church; KIRPA'S CHIN!!!!

But all that Cassie stuff is outside-show information. Inside the show, she and Colton just hump each other for the six hours they get alone together, and ditto goes for Colton and Hannah G on their one-on-one…but they might hump even harder. Truly impressive feat.

They get wrapped in banana leaves and Colton tells Hannah she looks like a sushi roll, then says to the camera: "I would eat that sushi roll." I want to believe that Colton is referring to oral sex here; but you know, and I know, and the cameraman knows, and the producers who told him to say that know—the boy has no idea what he's saying.

Back at the house, Cassie and Caelynn fret about what Colton and Hannah G might be doing…

And then my NEW favorite moment of the season happens. As Caelynn and Cassie question Hannah G's personal depth, Caelynn—a literal beauty queen—says, "I think Hannah is so sweet and kind, but I feel like she's relied on her beauty for so much of her life."

Oh, it! is! rich!

It's really incredible listening to these women try to figure out how Colton could like Hannah G, who they clearly find kind of boring, as Colton dry humps her in a shower (or…wet-clothed-humps her, whatever). "I'm just wondering if there's a layer to her that we're missing," Caelynn says, as though there might be a chance that Hannah G starts busting out close-up magic tricks or speaking fluent Italian the second she's alone with Colton.

No, Caelynn, of course not. But there is a layer that you're missing: Hannah G is hot, and Colton really likes that about her. It is no deeper, or more complicated than that. During the night time portion of their date, Hannah tells Colton that her parents are divorced and she tries not to think about it because it makes her sad, and that is all the "opening up" he needs. Colton and Hannah both tell the camera that they're falling in love with the other.

Back home, Caelynn and Cassie hope that maybe Hannah and Colton won't get far enough for him to give a rose, not knowing that Hannah has gone further with Colton than ever before…

SYDNEY, MORE LIKE SY-ONARA, AM I RIGHT??? (I’M EXHAUSTED)

A divide is forming between the women. The older women (who are all 28 or younger, mind you, and also happen to be the only remaining women of color) are noticing that Colton seems to be particularly infatuated with the young blondes. Could it be that they're young? Could it be that they're blonde? No. It must be that they're distracting him with all their shininess!

I like Sydney and Tayshia, they seem like good hangs, but watching them at the cocktail party, stewing over the fact that Hannah B is using her time at the group date cocktail party to show Colton fake martial arts moves was not a great look.

If Hannah B shows Colton a bunch of fake kung fu moves, and then he gives her the group rose for it—who should you be mad at in that situation??? These women's ability to pin Colton's immaturity and ill-preparedness for marriage on his favorite girlfriends' immaturity and ill-preparedness for marriage is getting ridiculous.

Hannah B is being herself: blonde and 23, with a Mentos commercial smile and a deep, deep reservoir of rage hiding just behind it. And if that's what Colton likes…then maybe you don't really like Colton as much as you've been lead to believe, huh ladies???

So thank goodness Sydney just gets with the program and escorts herself out of this sinking ship. Like Elyse, she doesn't go into the conversation certain that she's quitting. She's very straight forward that she would have liked a one-on-one, and Colton starts trotting out a new line about wishing every date could be a one-on-one, but conveniently skirting around the fact that he could've picked Sydney for one of them, but he didn't.

But Sydney ain't skeered—she asks if there's a reason he's not taking her on the dates, and if he thinks he "can get there" with her. "I want to try," he tells her.

So Sydney walks away from their conversation still feeling like Colton has a wall up to her for some reason, and when they sit down to talk again at the end of the date, she seems like she's made up her mind. Sydney says that she needs more, and Colton says he wants to give her more but he can't pretend there aren't other relationships too.

"Yeah totally," Sydney says before deploying an absolute bomb: "My fear though, is that with the choices you've been making, you are taking a lot of easier choices with the people you are pursuing, and like, if that's what you're looking for, then great—do that. But I'm kind of at a crossroads because I want everything you're looking for … but if it was right, this would be a lot easier than it have been for the two of us."

Colton is so stunned by Sydney's ability to take this decision into her own hands and weigh what she wants verses what she needs, and what she needs versus what she's getting…that he doesn’t even realize he has been absolutely eviscerated, burnt to a crisp by Sydney's assertion that he says he wants a wife but he gives his roses to girlfriends.

Sydney isn't getting what she needs, so she's leaving, and Colton looks fairly devastated. I'm sure not because he thought he might marry Sydney, or ever get their relationship to the point where Cassie and Hannah G's is, but because he's supposed to be the one doing the breaking up, and instead, all of the women who have ever used dial-up internet or might be able to identify the Aggro Crag are dumping him.

Right before she gets in the car, Sydney tells Colton, "There are some wonderful people in that group—find them. Don't be distracted by shiny things.”

A kind of nice thing about Colton is that he doesn’t seem to know when he's being condescended to. A frustrating thing about Colton is that when people hint at something to him, he doesn’t ever seek anymore clarity, and then once they leave, he's like, What the hell, I'm so confused, and constantly aroused, I thought this was supposed to be fun???

AND ANOTHER ONE GONE, AND ANOTHER ONE GONE…

Later, after a one-on-one date with Kirpa and Kirpa's mysteriously healed chin—where Colton tells her he loves her "calm confidence," and she responds to his question about being ready to get engaged at the end of this with "I would be okay with saying yeah”—Demi decides to create her own one-on-one time since Colton. She puts on her Fenty lipgloss, curls her hair, and walks over to his apartment, looking like a haunted doll for some reason…

Colton looks genuinely happy to see her when he opens the door, but as she prowls around his apartment like a sexy haunted doll, he also looks nervous like she's suddenly going to lunge for his junk (not not an option, tbh).

I think Colton was excited at first because even when Demi springs a mannequin hand or an impromptu call with her mom for the first time since she's gotten out of prison (a thing! that happened! earlier!) on him, he usually has fun with Demi. But now Demi is trying to show her serious side and it is…painful. Both because it is very scripted, and because Colton is not seriously interested in Demi. She tells him that he gives her so much and she didn't ever think that it would be this real for her, but now…

And Colton's response? "I really appreciate you saying that to me."

Colton says he does think about her a lot, but there's a part of him that questions if they can get there. Demi immediately starts crying, or rather, immediately puts her hand on her face as through she's crying. I don’t want to say that Demi isn't really feeling emotions here, but if she is feeling them, she is also performing them at the same time. It's a lot of hand work…

She dries her already dry eyes long enough to leave Colton with some parting advice: "There's certain girls here who seem like a safe choice, but at the end of this, it's not actually gonna be safe because you're not gonna end up happy in the long run."

Colton literally tells her thank you and asks zero follow up questions about that extremely disturbing warning. Before the cocktail party, Colton reiterates that his biggest fear is snakes…

Just kidding, it’s that "some of the women here might not be ready for what comes at the end of this."

What, 30-second sex?

Just kidding, he means a proposal.

Given Sydney and Demi's warnings, he's worried that he could make a mistake and end up with a woman who isn't really ready for marriage…

So naturally, Colton cancels the cocktail party because he allegedly knows what he wants to do, and what he wants to do is eliminate the second-oldest remaining person there, Katie, who I thought he really liked! When Colton walks Katie out, she's upset because she feels like she has so much to give, and they could have gotten there if she had gotten more time. Colton is very complimentary to her, they hug, and she gets in the SUV of Tears and drives away…

JUST KIDDING, SHE GIVES HIM A CRYPTIC WARNING ABOUT HIS REMAINING GIRLFRIENDS, OF COURSE! "You have a great group of girls, and you know who's ready in there," Katie says firmly: "And there are some that aren't. Just be smart about those girls."

Hahahahaha. This moment is the funniest Colton has ever been. He has finally gotten it through his cantaloupe skull that perhaps this season of The Bachelor is not going that well as in regards to building a lifelong monogamous relationship…

Looking completely bewildered, Colton tells his producer that Katie is the third person this week to warn him that there are still people here who aren't ready. "I thought when Sydney said it, she was talking about Demi," he says…

"And then I don’t know who Demi was talking about. Then I just said goodbye to Katie, and I don’t know who she's talking about."

Oh yes, baby—you is! It's time to…

JUMP! THAT! FENCE! JUMP! THAT! FENCE!


Thanks for being patient (and some of you, pleasantly impatient) about the delay in Bachelor content, friends! Episode 7's recap will be out early next week, and then it's time for my favorite national holiday: Hometown Dates.

Making a wild guess that there might be some overlap in fan bases here, I want to let you know that I'm recapping The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills over at EW.com. The Bachelor may have a lot of things going for it—crippling anxiety, secret Christians, and a cyclical discomfort with sexuality—but does it have a major storyline centered entirely around a dog named Lucy Lucy Apple Juice? I don't think so.