A 'Men Tell All' recap: Extra, Extra, These Men Are Extra

A 'Men Tell All' recap: Extra, Extra, These Men Are Extra

Forgive me TATBT readers, for I have sinned — my last Bachelorette recap was two weeks ago. But surely all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of Chris Harrison when they, A: had a brief lapse in sanity and agreed to catch up on 40 hours of Orange Is the New Black in one week in order to recap the new season for Decider, and B: generally find the Fantasy Suite episode of The Bachelor(ette) pretty boring.

This is my confession, and as penance, I shall write about Bachelor in Paradise, which looks amazing in the Men Tell All preview — yes — but having to make written sense of BiP always feels a little like standing in the middle of a tornado, getting hit in the head with a Spanish to English dictionary and then being asked to take a test on Don Quixote. That, plus a lot of nipples…

Aaaanyway, surely an episode of The Bachelorette that is purportedly all about two hot people finally getting to have sex (actually, four hot people finally getting to have sex, if the one hot person plays her Fantasy-Suite-date-cards right) should be fairly entertaining. Sex sells, and I've already willingly spent 20 hours watching these dumb-dumbs without any partial nudity. But the thing about The Bachelor(ette), is that it makes the opportunity to have sex in the Fantasy Suites about as sexy as passing GO and collecting $200 in a game of Monopoly: it's merely a planned step along the way, and we don't even get to hear about it! Then Jason, who we were all falling in love with, got the big "Do NOT pass GO, do NOT collect your sex" from ol' Becca "Following My Gut, but My Gut Has Questionable Taste in Men" Kufrin.

The actual romance on The Bachelorette is always the most boring part, and by the time a season has been narrowed down to three brotestants in the Fantasy Suites episode; everyone is in love with each other, everyone is using the phrase "my person" [ed. note: like these vanilla cones could even be in the same SPECIES as the indomitable Sandra Oh]; and everyone is imagining their future alongside Becca, complete with televised weddings, white-oxfords-and-khakis beach photos, car seats in the Tahoe, birth announcements with tiny shoes, and McMansions full of big ass clocks.

Which means half the people going into Fantasy Suites are guaranteed to leave this experience heartbroken, and once we saw the aftermath of Garrett's Fantasy Suite, even the suspense gone…

Because this broken headboard tells me all I need to know about the remainder of the season: Garrett and Becca went to PoundTown and they had such a great time, now they're looking into real estate, they're talking to the bank about mortgage loans, and they're adding leather sectionals to their wish-list at Rooms2Go.com. The only thing left to discuss regarding Fantasy Suites that doesn't ultimately lead back to the poor li'l hearts of poor li'l Jason and, eventually, poor li'l Blake, is this headboard; Jason's turn as an Upstate Prince Charming and Bachelor-contender; and all of the ways that Becca described Thailand throughout the episode, which I will now rank for you here:

3. "There's temples scattered throughout."

2. "Everywhere you walk it smells so good."

1. "There's something so old and cultural about interacting with a monk."

Indubitably, Becca, indubitably. Now that we've gotten that out of the way, we can get to the inverse of Fantasy Suites: THE MEN TELL ALL. As opposed to Fantasy Suites, the Men Tell All is host to every brochacho that Becca absolutely did not fall in love with. They're back on supplements, they're mad as hell, and they're not gonna take it anymore!

This was, by far, the most extra Men Tell All I can remember, and it all comes down to one factor: Becca had an inordinate amount of men coming into her season who assumed they would come onto this show, and due to their obvious charm and undeniable good looks, walk away with the ultimate win: the role as ABC's next Bachelor.

And, of course, none of them will, except possibly Wills, or almost definitely Jason, who ruled the roost of the Men Tell All panel like Meryl Streep deigning to show up for a Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again press event. The bro-pack could be mid-brawl, but if Prince Jason spoke, everyone freeze-framed like they were in “The Last Supper” and let their most successful tribute speak. And when he was done, everyone excluding Wills, Grocery Store Joe, and Chris R. (who was most definitely benefiting from some pu pu platter of benzos and beta blockers) resumed their… well, this tweet explains the Men Tell All better than even watching it could:

I kid you not, at one point, a man I had never seen before, wearing velvet loafers and a pair of young woman's capri pants actually got out of his seat to yell, "I am a premier banker!" at Jordan.

I simply cannot reiterate how On One™ these men were during this Men Tell All. Their bickering, fussing, and calling-each-other-pussies was so constant that Chris Harrison didn't even say "we got bloopers" until the 40-minute mark! A fact I can barely even comprehend given that I have always assumed saying “we got bloopers” gives him an eighth of an orgasm like a sneeze does for a normal-human-person, considering how frequently he says it during most (Wo)Men Tell Alls. But even our favorite tan robot was rendered a silent, giggling mess in the face of these drama jackals.

There's no way to thoroughly retrace this Men Tell All's best moments without just listing every single quotable thing Jordan said, but since this newsletter doesn’t have an infinity-scrolling feature, I'll just have to give it the old Chris Harrison try (which is to say, doing the bare minimum while making enough money in one sitting to keep Connor on a permanent blood boy retainer):

THE JORDAN OF IT ALL

There is simply no way to move forward with explaining the Men Tell All without circumnavigating the Von-Trapp-faced axis upon which it spun:

The thing about Jordan is: pretty much nothing he says makes sense, but it's also… all entirely correct?

When we're at the episode's halfway point and no one has stopped complaining about Jordan the entire time, who could possibly refute his assertion that the house revolved around him? It did! And when Jordan elaborates on that notion saying, "I'm the mouse, they're the elephant; they're constantly going to be questioning for the next years, 'How did this guy even exist?'" well, that all checks out too. I don't know what it means exactly, but absolutely, these men do nothing but question his entire being and he does nothing but offer them labyrinths of metaphors in response. My personal favorite being: "I've got the billboard up in their minds, we're paving high ways … I should have worn a work vest! I should have worn a work vest!"

If I were these men, I would never attempt to go up against Jordan in a verbal argument. No, he will not best you logic, but Jordan's general approach to speaking is like that of a shotgun: if he just puts enough out there, he's bound to hit an applicable retort at some point or another. And he always, always does; look no further than when Colton attempts to come for Jordan.

Colton says that he would became frustrated in the house when Jordan was walking around cocktail parties in his underwear in the midst of Colton taking his relationship with Becca very seriously…

So, naturally, Jordan responds, "Typically when someone's driving a Rolls Royce, they'll roll down the window here and there … I'm rolling my window down, I’m throwing a fucking Slurpee." Now, this makes no sense. But it does hold your attention, and when Colton eventually presents his own blank tombstone to Jordan, saying that Jordan was only there for himself… Jordan happily chisels in Colton’s epitaph: "And you were there for Tia."

From there, it's all over for Colton. How could he possibly recover from that seventh-degree burn? Further, how does one go up against someone who is so reckless with their own personality; so full of self-pride that they couldn’t possibly be shamed? Obviously, one does not, but Bachelorette contestants do not dwell in the obvious, and so, everyone — and I mean everyone — went up against Jordan.

I'll leave you with Jordan's final farewell, because I couldn’t possibly say it any better than this: "Kamil, fuck you; guy with the mustache, fuck you; Colton, fuck you; David, you're a bitch; Nick and Connor, you're cool; Grocery Store Joe — what's up?”

KNOCKING ON HEAVEN’S [GROCERY STORE]

Even Jordan knows to cash in on the inexplicable appeal of Grocery Store Joe…

In reality though, Joe's appeal is entirely explicable, so I don't know why Chris Harrison wouldn't just explain it. It is twofold:

1. Bitches love grocery stores. This has been a humbling realization for me, as I've always assumed my love of grocery stores was unique. It seems, in fact, that my love of grocery stores is about as unique as my love of Popeye's — I may be more vocal and unabashed about it than most, but everybody fucking loves chicken tenders, Jodi. And if they don’t, that's not someone you need to be fraternizing because Satanism is nothing to mess around with.

Same goes for grocery stores — sure, nobody likes shopping for, like, meal prep (which is a thing I've heard people do), but everyone loves walking into a grocery store with a "treat yo'self" attitude and getting, I dunno… weird avocado oil chips, a full calorie soda, pre-packaged Krispy Kreme crullers that make the roof of your mouth feel weird, some dank mac-and-cheese from the prepared food section, and whatever seasonal color is available of those thickly-frosted cookies that are like getting 100 tiny cakes for $3.50. Basically, Joe represents snacks… and everybody loves snacks.

2. But even more important than snacks—and putting aside that aesthetically, the dude is an above-average snacc—Bachelor Nation became fixated on this man because he is literally an average Joe. Sure, he got the L.A. glowup and his hair is doing something much cuter now, but as soon as Grocery Store Joe stops closed-mouth smiling [ed. note: why does he do that?! his teeth are gorgeous!] long enough to unleash that Chicago accent, reminding us that he pulled himself up the grocery store ranks by his watermelon bootstraps… Joe becomes oddly attainable to the audience at home. Joe becomes our internet boyfriend.

It is my greatest fear though, that Grocery Store Joe will milkshake duck. But I do believe, in my heart of grocery-loving hearts, that he will not. Because when he sat down with Chris Harrison, he seemed entirely unaffected by his unexpected fan reception, and perhaps even more nervous than he was in the premiere. When asked about his experience on the show, Joe responded:

When asked what people say when they recognize him, Joe responded, "They mostly just wanna take pitch-ers." This is not a man who seems to have a lot of pride or passion inside of him…

Which is why I was shocked to see Joe being called a "grocery store bitch" by Leo and, it seemed, getting into a physical altercation with the lion-maned man in the Paradise preview! Due to my unwavering support of Joe and his watermelon endeavors, I have been forced to turn against Leo in every way, having very little to go on except for a gut feeling that Leo assumed (due to his unusually long hair and resemblance to a romance novel cover-man) he would be the recipient the kind of split-second obsession that ultimately went to Joe, and he's harboring a great deal of covetous envy for Grocery Store Joe's many blessings.

But we do not stan cool haircuts, Leo — we stan snacks. So don't come for our internet boyfriend.

WHAT A MAN, WHAT A MAN, WHAT A— YEAH, WHATEVER, HE'S FINE

I'm sorry, why are we out here still asking Colton about his former relationship with Tia when we all know that he's about to have a future relationship with Tia on Paradise, and especially when we could be asking him about the fact that he dated Aly Raisman and only seems to pursue famous or fame-adjacent women???

Colton did manage to put his generally fraudulent demeanor aside for a while and talk about how difficult it was for him to open up about his virginity, and how hurtful it's been to get called out for “being less of a man." He's referencing the outside world's gross response to him telling Becca he's never had sex, but he's probably also referencing 10 minutes ago when Jean Blanc said, "Colton you're acting like a pussy, but you've never been in a pussy." Which is truly some outrageous bullshit!

From this comment, to being the only person who asked to sit on the couch with Becca when she came out, to giving her another weak bottle of perfume and even weaker apology, no one lost Men Tell All harder than Jean Blanc. Which was a bit of a relief, since he was highly unliked as it was after that time he told Becca he loved her, then took it back when she said she didn't feel the same. Luckily we have Jason, with all the presence of a semi-successful college football player returning for an empowering workout with his high school team, to set JB straight: "Love is a very powerful emotion, and I have no respect for anybody who abuses that emotion when they're in need. And you, Jean were in need." Wow…

To say the least, there's more Jason where that came from.

YOU GET EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE, AND YOU GET EMOTIONAL INTELLIGECE, AND…

What to say about Jason, a man who has probably already been given an automatic bid into next year's Miss Buffalo pageant purely because of his pitch-perfect Men Tell All performance. This is a dude who seemed genuinely kind and sensitive as it was, and once the Bachelor title was floated in his direction, has taken the emotional intelligence into overdrive. He was out here teaching Jean Blanc about love; he was standing up for Jordan being bullied; he was asking Becca if there was anything he should aim to do differently in future relationships. My guy was like Megatron shooting thoughtful, self-reflective monologues out of his fists instead of bazookas (or whatever).

It was almost a little much. But when a Bachelorette brotestant comes out on the Men Tell All and takes the opportunity to support the LGBTQ community (on a show that absolutely has never used its platform to do so before), saying, “I'm gonna take Oprah's line but I say it with passion: love is love is love." Well, we simply have to stan an ally.

Even if he’s actually quoting Lin-Manuel Miranda :) See you next week for what promises to be an extremely sad finale!