If ever The Bachelorette has been teed up to create a star, it is with JoJo Fletcher. Do I believe for one second that JoJo went by JoJo before she competed on television for handsome robot Ben Higgins' love? (Ed. note: Have you seen the episode of Parks and Rec where Ben and April work for that senator in DC who just stares at the wall when he's not eloquently expressing himself? A four-month too late observational reference by me, Jodi "JoJo" Walker.)
Of course not. But is switching from Joanna to JoJo when Hollywood comes calling about as likely to shoot one into the pop culture stratosphere as wearing a blush tone on the Vanity Fair "Young Hollywood" issue? I don't know why don't you go take a listen to "Leave (Get Out)" and just try not to sing along with young Joanna "JoJo" Noëlle Blagden Levesque's echos. Or maybe go watch a few episodes of Fixer Upper—the HGTV series that's single-handedly socially rehabilitated my hometown of Waco, Texas from garnering the reaction "Oh, what was it like growing up in a cult?" to "OMG do you know Chip and Joanna "JoJo" Gaines, and can you put me in touch with them when I go to Waco FOR MY SPRING BREAK? Also, what's shiplap?"—and get back to me.
What I'm saying is that JoJo knows what's up…she knows she can pull off JoJo and so she does. She doesn’t need to try to be a hit on The Bachelorette, she just will be because she's got the confidence that she's a winner. Also, her body is sicker than a young baseball team riding a tilt-a-whirl shortly after ingesting a metric ton of chewing tobacco in a classic 1990s film. And that's exactly why JoJo is about to bitch slap The Bachelorette with a dose of megawatt entertainment the likes of which it has not seen since…maybe Andi?
Indeed, JoJo reminds me a lot of Andi but without that distinct air that she once hazed a freshman class of Phi Delta Whatever so hard that the univeristy president actually had to step in and threaten the chapter, but Andi talked her out of it by letting her know, That girl didn't actually NEED to go to the hospital—butt chugging was totally her idea in the first place and she only almost died because she wanted the attention. JoJo would not have made that child butt-chug a keg of Keystone to build a bond of sisterhood. She simply would have scared them right into loving her, just like she’ll do with these 26 men. And perhaps I'm unusually excited about the Bachelorette herself because…
HER FELLAS LOOK LIKE A BUNCH OF DONUT-HEADS. What does that mean? I don't know, you try to find a way to relate Coley to Derek to Evan to Grant to Grant's separately competing jaw line, and figure out a way to classify JoJo's "type."
Maybe JoJo doesn’t have a type? Maybe JoJo sat Chris Harrison, UnReal’s Constance Zimmer, and Patron Saint of The Franchise Sean Lowe down and said, "Listen. I'm perfect. I fucking dare you to find a flaw in my personality, my face, or my husky lady voice. Additionally, you could bounce a silver dollar off my ass. So you can literally give me any group of idiots, and I will turn one of them into a Prince Charming by proxy. Remember how I made Ben seem fun? Yeah. I'll take that fucker in the Santa suit, and I will make him so lovable, you turn him into your next Bachelor while I ride off into the Texas sunset with whoever I decide is hottest. Just choose a bunch of dudes—no, I didn't say "choose a bunch of white dudes," you hang on my every word when I'm speaking to you, Chris Harrison!—and let's get this over with so I can get back to spanking the Dallas real estate game and drinking magnums of Veuve with my kickass mom…k?"
In my head, JoJo curses like a sailor, not-so-secretly can't stand Chris Harrison, and is in complete control of this situation. After all, she looks to be even blonder now, and therefore more powerful. Have you ever been around a friend after they've refreshed their highlights—they get that new mom adrenaline where they could lift a car off a baby or tell a naked dude in the pool to get the hell out of their mansion. And it's a good thing because, on paper, these are not a particularly interesting bunch. In fact, they're pretty…putz-like. JoJo could eat their lunch, metabolize them in seconds thanks to a lifetime of never touching carbohydrates, and choose one to make her Royal ABC consort in two weeks flat. And we don't even have to hear what fruit they'd be if they could be any fruit to make our best bets on who she'll choose. So without futher ado…
JoJo’s Top 13 Most Interesting Men (according to a questionnaire completed under a blanket of lightly roofied Heinekens and producers pumping up their testosterone-inflated egos only to hiss at the last moment, "Yeah, bro, the ladies really seem to love you, and all the other guys will definitely be jealous of your sick skills with JoJo…but…do you think…do you at all think that if you keep treating women like they're collector's items, only existing to build up your delicately balanced self-esteem, anyone will ever be able to know you enough to love you? And is it possible that you've always imagined that one day you'd find a love like your beloved parents have, but your womanizing lifestyle might be working away from that future that you so desperately want but don't actually have the means to achieve? Just something to think about, brother. Alright, buddy, see ya in Calabasas, don't forget your kilt!), in no particular order:
Luke—War Veteran, 31: Let's start out with my boy Luke who has a profession that means we cannot even remotely make fun of him, so I'm very much not going to say anything about how if he could have lunch with one person in the world it would be Mark Cuban. [Ed. note: TEAM HERJAVEC!] Instead, I'll start by shouting out The Bachelorette team for once again bringing back the question that ever so lightly asks what weird sex stuff contestants would be willing to do to win fair, freaky JoJo's heart: Meatloaf said he would "do anything for love, but he won’t do that." What will you not do? Luke's response: "I’ll do anything for love. I’m a trooper/team player." So, mark this guy down for group stuff, then—whatever, he's game, and totally knew what he was saying by answering this question! You go, Luke!
Christian—Telecom Consultant, 26: Christian is super handsome with fantastic freckles so it really makes all non-photo portions of his bio a big ol' "too bad." When asked the most outrageous thing he's ever done, Christian answers, "Strip shows and lap dances in college," which is a sentence that could use a verb and perhaps a few pronouns for clarity on who was doing what in said outrageous scenario. But you know where Christian is extremely specific? In the top 3 things on his bucket list question: "1) Build a relationship with Mark Cuban and earn his respect. 2) Take a trip to space to experience the process and snap some epic selfies! 3) Spoil my grandchildren."
YOU GUYS—what is UP with these bros and Mark Cuban?! A few things, Christian: The number 1 thing you want to do before you die—before any sort of travel, or finding the love of your life on reality television, or getting that Chihuahua of yours back from the ex that took her (could use a few more deets on that one too)—is to build a relationship with Mark Cuban?** What about Lori Greiner, Queen of QVC, instead? Do you have something against female entrepreneurs Christian? Or is this a basketball-specific thing? Because, Christian, I can't help but notice that by trade you are a telecom consultant. Is that really a profession that necessitates a life pointed solely toward building a relationship with Mark Cuban and earning his respect? And while we're on that note, you can't just bundle bucket list items, Christian! If you're ever going to earn the Bro Lord Mark Cuban's respect, you're going to have to respect that his respect is worth its own line item on your bucket list. Maybe bump those epic space selfies down a notch, huh? And while you're at it, maybe consider that if you're so busy trying to get to Mark Cuban, it's going to be tough to focus on JoJo enough to get those grandchildren you so badly want to be showering in Sour Patch Kids.
I have to question if Christian is coming on The Bachelorette for The Right Reasons. **Of course if those reasons are to get on Shark Tank and his Mark-Cuban-related goals are specifically Shark Tank related, then I support Christian wholeheartedly. I fucking love Shark Tank, and I hope he's invented some sort of magic sponge—I love when they invent magic sponges.
Daniel—Male Model, 31: Daniel is a male model, you guys. He is not a female model. In this ever progressing world, it is really important to him that you know that. It's also important to him that you know that he thinks very highly of himself. When asked if he has tattoos, Daniel responds, "No — same reason you don’t put stickers on a lambo." And is he comfortable in swimwear? "Very comfortable. Why have a lambo if you park it in the garage?" And would he ever bungee jump? Of course—why have a lambo if you're not going to drive it over a bridge? And does he consider himself a romantic? Definitely; why be a male lambo if you're not going to mate for life with a female lambo? And does he consider himself an introvert or an extrovert? Both – same reason you sometimes see lambos in lambo lots with other lambos, but sometimes see them parked on the street by themselves. And what does he call his huge penis? Lil' lambo — it's ironic, because why have a running lambo shtick if you can't play around a lil'.
Grant—Firefighter, 27: Okay, let me introduce you to Grant who is the best and if he doesn't win JoJo's heart, I am going to be so mad at his perfectly chiseled face. His greatest achievement to date? Saving a life. Most outrageous thing he's ever done? Evading police in Mexico on an ATV. His most embarrassing moment? Being slapped in the face by an ex at a bar. Grant is outrageous and I love him—he is either the fictional antihero of an AMC show or…well, I'll just point you to what he would do if he could have any job in the world: "I’d be a field agent for the FBI." The sly-smiling emoji is silent.
James F.—Boxing Club Owner, 34: Everything about James F.'s bio makes me nervous. First he has three tattoos that are all in the process of being lasered off, leading one to wonder if there's a very good reason he's wearing, like, six pounds of shirt. The most outrageous thing he's ever done is, "Left the safety of chiropractic to pursue my fitness and acting dreams." Yikes-a And he is the only contestant who has "Do you follow a specific type of diet?" listed on his bio and he answers, "Yes, carb cycling." Bro! They only let you consume dinner rolls, protein powder, and thumb tacks on this thing—you gonna die, friend! And before you even get to have the Tweetie Bird fully removed from your left bicep!
Brandon—Hipster, 28: H'oh boy. Welcome to The Bachelor, a franchise where being a "Hipster" is considered as much of a stunt as being a "Chicken Enthusiast," and where the show's team is so out of touch that they actually think a real hipster would call themselves a hipster. Hipsters were calling themselves hipsters before ABC even knew what hipster meant, and now they use a word that you don't even know about, and no, they can't tell you about it. But it simply must be noted, nothing about Brandon's bio reads hipster: He gives a shoutout to wanting a "The Notebook-type" romance, a Nicholas Sparks reference that would literally make any real hipster's head combust right under its oversized beanie; when given the opportunity to name an obscure feminist author as the person he admires most in the world, Brandon just says his mom; and he lists number one most popular favorite movie ever, Good Will Hunting, as one of his top three, and doesn't even correct the questionnaire by saying, "I actually prefer to call them films." It's not your fault they labeled you a hipster, Brandon—IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!
Nick S.—Software Salesman, 26: Especially when they had this effin' guy at their disposal! Nick S. is wearing a rolled up bandana around his neck, like one of those fashionable drool bibs that hip babies wear! On his bucket list: run a ranch and tomato farm. He considers his best attributes that he's "transparent, empathetic, adaptable," but if he could have any job in the world it would be either Don Draper or James Bond—which one must point out are not jobs but pretend-people—because "they kill it," meaning that Nick S. is kind of full of shit…and therefore the exact hipster The Bachelorette was seeking. (Why The Bachelorette was seeking a hipster for JoJo, a real estate heir from Dallas who I don't think I've ever seen not in a sequin, I have no idea.)
James S.—Bachelor Superfan, 27: In need of definitive proof that James S. isn't a wax figure. Finding none, I vote we melt him.
Robby—Former Competitive Swimmer, 27: (See above.)
Wells—Radio DJ, 31: Listen, I know Wells is wearing a number of pins on his denim jacket, but I can't help it—I'm into the guy. He has a real underdog Jef-with-one-F quality. Like, JoJo has enough fire for one couple on her own; she just needs a sweet Radio DJ who can lull her to sleep at night with those dulcet tones. Talk Top 40 to me, Wells. Among all the inflated egos and the wannabe actors and the Mark Cuban-heads, Wells just seems like a nice, normal guy. Plus, JoJo was into Ben, so if she has a type, it's handsome-faced vanilla wafer: Enter, Wells, whose five-year plan is, "Syndicated, married with a couple kids" and whose idea of a great date is wine and cheese on his front porch "as Otis Redding plays on [his] turn table." His turn table! Oh, Wells, we’re going to have a wonderful life together.
Chad—Luxury Real Estate Agent, 28: Ah yes, we’ve arrived at Chad: you sociopathic maniac in sheep's clothing, you. That face: so handsome! Those answers: so full of red flags! If Chad could be anyone else for one day—just one day and then he would go right back to being himself—Chad would be: "Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright." Is that an…uncredited Matthew McConaughey reference? Hard to say as Chad then uses that EXACT same line two questions later for who he'd most like to have lunch with—himself...alright, alright, alright. And I'll give you one guess who Chad most admires (himself) and why (alright, alright, alright).
I don't know what's happening, but I do know this: JoJo is going to be all about this guy. There is nothing a JoJo likes more than confidence, and there is nothing that disguises itself as confidence better than mind-numbing cockiness that's masking a whole heap of insecurity in the first place. But none of that matters—Chad is a luxury real estate agent, a.k.a., the Fletcher family business. He'd fit in perfectly with those biceps JoJo calls brothers, and she'll see that. What a happy family they could make! Just her, Chad, and his basement full of bodies.
Jordan—Former Pro Quarterback, 27: The only think you need to know about Jordan is, in fact, not in his Bachelorette bio. Jordan is the brother of Aaron Rodgers, quarterback for the Green Bay Packers, which is basically just one big ol' Eff You to Josh Murray, and therefore, I love it. And if Jordan doesn't make it to Hometowns, or better yet, become the next Bachelor, then what are we even doing here?
Derek—Commercial Banker, 29: And finally…it's time for Derek, the most special of snowflakes who, if possible, will be eliminated even before the first rose ceremony, but his Bachelorette bio answers shall live on in my heart forever. You guys—YOU GUYS!—when asked who he admires most in the world and why (please quickly note that this was not phrased with a "living or dead” option) Derek simply must go with Mr. Ben Franklin: "He was able to view the world with childlike wonder to feed his creative/inventive side and balance that with a work ethic that produced massive shifts for the greater good." Sure, sure, that all checks out. And what three things would Daniel bring to a desert island…well, that list stops and starts with duct tape and one additional caveat: "As long as the island wasn’t covered in cucumbers, I’d be all right." Definitely—definitely, Derek. And, of course, the most outrageous non-cucumber-related thing Derek has ever done: "Drunkenly skinny-dipping in the ocean at 3am when the sharks are all active." Derek clearly has a lot of specific thoughts on sharks...and I want to know all of them.
Alas, I am a JoJo, but I am no Bachelorette. That belongs solely to the alpha JoJo. My apologies to Ali whose eyebrows I am physically attracted to but could not fit into the breakdown, and to Alex, who looks exactly like a white version of Ali. Additional apologies to The Bachelorette for not commenting on Evan the Erectile Dysfunction Expert who they cast specifically to be commented upon. To make up for all the bros I missed, how about a complete list of everyone who answered the bio's best question—Meatloaf said he would “do anything for love, but he won’t do that.” What will you not do?—and make sure to take every answer as the double entendre it is very much intended to be:
"Nothing. For love, everything is on the table." –Ali, who keeps everything on the table for JoJo
"Go to a sushi restaurant and be forced to eat fish. I hate it." –James S., making this way too easy
"I’ll do anything for love. I’m a trooper/team player." –Luke, notoriously into group stuff
"Use turkey meat." –Vinny, just being hygienic…good call, Vinny
"Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright." –Chad, who didn't really say that, but it'd be a lot cooler if he did
See you back here after the premiere for a 17,000 word recap!