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It's been a long ass week, folks! In some ways, I want to go into great detail about how surely only a person who's spent a life preparing to prove he's never done anything wrong ever, ever, ever would hold onto a bunch of sad wall calendars from 36 years ago. And that only a group of people terrified of no longer being the ones in charge would deem it more credible for a man to hold onto a calendar for over 30 years, than for a woman to hold onto a painful trauma.

I kind of want to talk about how I just listened to the second episode of Serial's excellent new season, and now I'm pretty sure all judges are either pragmatic saints or power-hungry chauvinists, and I've got one guess as to which kind would fill a wing of their inherited-wealth mansion with moldy ass wall calendars. I sort of want to talk about how character-checks with freshman-year roommates should probably be the mandatory entryway for any job earning over $200,000 because no one deserves to make that much money if they ever pooped in a closet that had a shower curtain in place of a door...

But I also very much do not want to talk about those things at all!

No, I really just want to eat some MSG-flavored snack chips and watch A Star is Born's trailer playing on loop. I'd like to get into a fancy shower and turn on all 20 waterfall faucets and just pretend September didn't happen for a few minutes. Mostly, I want to crawl into a hole with a pile weighted blankets stacked six-deep and imagine that I am the Duchess of Sussex. So, today, whether you decide to watch the Senate Judiciary Committee hearing or not, let's all take five minutes and pretend that we are Meghan Markle.

We have been set up on a blind date with not only a prince, but a hot ginger [ed. note: as a hot ginger, I know that we are worthy of the hype!]. We have fallen in love with that hot ginger, quit our jobs at the USA Network, committed ourselves to a life of philanthropy, and also: we look like Meghan Markle. On our wedding day, we wear an elegant boat neck, our hot ginger prince bites his lip at us, and we become a princess...or a duchess...or whatever, we are stone-cold Mia Thermopolis up in this monarchy bitch.

All we have to do in return is have all of our actions judged in the public eye forever and ever, and yes that is a lot of pressure, but it also means that when we close our own car door, the people CANNOT BELIEVE IT. They are incredulous. We — Meghan Markle — have shut our own car door.

On Tuesday, the Duchess of Sussex headed to her first ever solo engagement, the opening of a new exhibit at London's Royal Academy. She wore a Givenchy cocktail dress, Aquazzura pumps, and defying all royal protocol, casually pushed her own car door shut after exiting the vehicle.

Now, this is obviously the move of an independent queen...princess...duchess, whatever. And while I also revel in being an independent duchess who doesn't need anyone else to shut her car door because I have hands and spent the entire morning on a Pilates reformer (oops, speaking as Meghan again), sometimes — such as today — I would love to have the weight of having to close car doors taken off my very tired, toned, Givenchy-clad shoulders.

Things I Do Every Day That I'd Like To Stop Doing For Myself Because It Is Simply Unbelievable That I Have To Do Them For Myself Every Day:

SHUTTING MY OWN CAR DOOR

Can you imagine just...getting out of a car...and leaving the door open? And knowing that someone would come behind you and close it? That it's a person's whole ass job to come close your door. Which means it's not your job to close that door? That is 20 freed-up seconds that I could be watching The Great British Baking Off every day! Because Meghan Markle may have exchanged most of her personal liberties to marry the man she loved, but we don't have to exchange anything to pretend that we are some hypothetical hybrid of Meghan-Markle-and-ourselves who doesn’t have to shut car doors, but also doesn’t have to obligatorily wear stilettos on cobblestone.

THINKING OF WHAT TO EAT EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY OF MY LIFE

Three meals a day is too many meals a day. And I have to think of what to eat for every single one of them? I don't think so. I've got a royal chef, everybody wants to impress me with their culinary arts all the time, so they're always offering me tiny quiches, and someone tells me how to be healthy so I'm not constantly wondering how much fat is too much fat in yogurt. I am Meghan Markle, and this is my story.

NOT BUYING A NEW COMPUTER

I would LOVE to buy a new computer for myself today and every day. I would love to stop actively not buying the new computer I need to buy for myself because my current computer has no battery life left. If Duchess Meghan needed a new computer, it wouldn't matter that she's too lazy to do the research to see which computer she should get, because someone else could do that for her (someone else would have to do that for her so they could put the Queen's signature spyware in the hard drive).

If I were Duchess Meghan, it wouldn't matter that I technically have the money to buy the new computer I need, but continue to delay it because spending that money means that I will no longer be in possession of that money. I want to have my money and spend it too, and the only way to do that is to spend England's money instead of my own. 

CHARGING MY CELL PHONE ON A SERIES OF ETERNALLY BROKEN CHARGERS

If I were Meghan Markle, none of my chargers would ever develop a late-in-life turtleneck. I would never wonder, Is this charger charging my phone slowly or is my phone just losing the ability to charge quickly? What will happen when I need a new phone and I still haven't gotten a new computer? Is everyone better at everything than me, or are they just better at hiding it?

If I were Meghan Markle, I wouldn't have an existential crisis over a cell phone charger that was probably broken before I even carried it out of that Marshall's. Because I wouldn't even know what a Marshall's is — I would be Meghan Markle, surrounded by fully functioning chargers carried in the pockets and bags of men ready to close every car door they ever opened for me.

Clearly, being an idealized, simplified version of Meghan Markle is both wonderful and flush with battery-life. But this is just a smattering of things that I, a technologically-challenged person who detests routine, would love to not do for myself today. I encourage you to think of the things you would like to not do today, and when you inevitably do have to do them, just know that you look as bossy, flossy, and kind as Meghan Markle does when she closes her own car door.