It's been two weeks since many of us watched Chad nearly eat Lil'est Marine Alex like a khaki-flavored paleo muffin on The Bachelorette's dreaded two-on-one date, and I'll be honest — I can hardly remember any of it. I definitely remember that they talked about milk quite a bit. I'm certain that I saw the reflection of a producer in JoJo's beautiful mocha-brown irises telling her that if she didn't stop flinching away from Chad she wasn't going to get her two daily-alotted belVita breakfast biscuits. Basically, I have no time to write this, and you'll have no time to read it before…
...but it would be an actual reality TV sin, punishable by Andy Cohen, the-Old-Gods-and-the-New not to cover what transpired over the course of four hours two weeks ago regarding one Chad Johnson. The worst thing about writing something two weeks after you should have is that it's 100 percent useless [ed. note: MORE useless]; the best part is that you have lots of new information like that Chad's first name is actually Brian — Chad is his middle name — meaning either his parents decided he would go by Chad or he decided later in life to go by Chad, bringing about an interesting Nature vs. Nurture question: do Chads end up the way they are because they are named Chad, or are they merely born that way and name themselves Chad once they’ve grown into the name (#yesallchads)? In other news, Chad is real-life going to be a guest on Jimmy Kimmel Live following Monday night’s episode, which is terrifying. I enjoy Jimmy Kimmel — I very much hope that Chad doesn’t eat his whole face before he can put out Mean Tweets XXXVII.
Anyway, I'm doing this as fast and dirty as possible: maximum Chad, maximum screengrabs, absolutely every single ludicrous line from Alex and Chad’s two-on-one conversation:
The last two-hour episode picked up right where the two-hour episode before it left off: with the other men sitting patiently, waiting to start their porno until Chris Harrison was done kicking Chad out of the house.
But no! Not only was asking host Chris Harrison to do something about Chad's presence on the show basically like asking your substitute Theater teacher if she could score you a "5" on the AP Calculus exam, but CH would have exactly no interest in eliminating such an entertaining aspect of this season. He attempts to tell Chad that they don't tolerate violence 'round the Bachelor mansion while fully tolerating violence, and then just tells Chad to apologize. Which he totally does…
Evan tells Chad he owes him an apology and a new shirt. And that totally goes well…
Wells tries to be the voice of reason…
...in these shorts. I fall deeper in love.
JoJo decides to cancel the cocktail party and have a pool party instead, and all of the men act like they've never seen a woman in a bikini before. Suddenly, I realize that my thoughts are starting to sound like Chad's. Are his comments actually reasonable, and at times, even funny? Is it just that they're also coupled with his psychological inability to discern between right and wrong, likely signifying a childhood spent doing weird stuff to cats and potentially a basement full of refrigerators that his guests think are full of extra sodas protein shakes? To his credit, Evan is obsessed with him, and does get a nosebleed literally the minute he touches the pool.
Of Chad, JoJo says, "Chad is calm, Chad is friendly, he's minding his own business," which is how you know that she's kept him around this long because she truly thinks she could potentially have a future with him. I know when people ask me my type, I often say: calm, friendly, mind his own business, only punches walls once a day. [Ed. Note: For the record, in case you're trying to set me up with your second cousin that lives in New York, my type is: "Wells-but-sturdier."]
JoJo asks Derek specifically why there's security walking around. Derek tells her it's because of Chad. Chad steps to Derek…
But JoJo has a Rose Ceremony to get to, and even though she surely realizes…
…JoJo gives him a rose. Because she really like him. She likes him so much. She's not at all scared of him or scared for her safety. This is 100 percent JoJo's decision. Something that is Jojo’s decision: getting in a hot tub in the middle of the woods with Luke.
Luke has so much fun on his one-on-one date with JoJo, he almost smiles with both corners of his mouth.
He opens up about his time in commanding a military unit in Afghanistan and how one of his friends was killed in action, so JoJo asks him:
Yeah, JoJo — it was probably mainly the friend-dying thing. But JoJo can’t help it, she’s just distracted by how hot Luke is. Because she may be a terrible conversationalist, but you can say this about JoJo: she has eyeballs and they work.
There's a group date where Evan gets—I kid you not—another nose bleed, but all you really need to know is that JoJo takes Alex and Chad on the two-on-one date because what she lacks in body fat, she makes up for in doing exactly anything and everything the producers ask her to. Before they leave, Chad screams at Jordan (his only [perceived] threat), "JORDAN! You think this is a show and you'ew safe for now. But one day this ends. And when this ends, you go home—and when you go home, you think I can't find you? You think I won't go out of my way to come to your house?" It's very, very chill. As is the two-on-one date…
JoJo clearly doesn't even want to look at Chad's face, so she immediately takes Lil' Alex into the woods and asks him what's the deal with Chad. Alex briefly attempts to not talk about Chad, but as far as I can tell, that is about as possible for Alex as not wearing olive green dress shirts and weird pants that are somehow simultaneously harem pants and cargo pants, so he soon caves. Which is unfortunate because Chad has plainly stated, "Best advice I can give him is to mind his business and not bring my name up — if not, I'll be taking his teeth home." Alex has such nice teeth.
I now present this conversation between JoJo and Chad to you unedited after Chad explains that he has not physically harmed anyone since JoJo politely asked him not to:
JoJo: Yeah, but you threatened to beat people.
Chad: So that they would be quiet. So that they would leave me alone.
JoJo: That’s not the way to handle it.
Chad: If you have a better way, I would love to hear it.
This man is a certified insane reality TV pot of gold. I will miss him so. But alas, Chad was never going to make it out of this two-on-one, just like a charcuterie board was never going to make it out of that Bachelor mansion alive. But before JoJo dismisses him, let's just quickly run down the conversation that Alex and Chad have when they're contractually forced to sit together after Chad knows that Alex tattled on him for threatening to kill other bros after the show.
That sounds foreboding. Any follow-up?
CAN WE???? Chad says that it's just unfortunate that he can't hurt Alex right now without getting in trouble. Which mean that Chad seemingly takes the laws of The Bachelorette more seriously than the laws of the United States of America.
Differing opinions on milk? It must be time to squash this like men:
After that impromptu Shel Silverstein slam poetry sesh, JoJo dismisses Chad and gives Alex the rose. They head onto two roads diverged (by a very small tree) in the yellow wood.
And Chad…Chad took the road less traveled…
Next episode (also, Chad in a nutshell): "Alex lied. He told her I threatened people. And you know what? Now I gotta go fucking find Alex." Long live Chad.