This is MY Son: the internet. He is a 24/7 gasoline-lit trash fire. He graduated #1 from Ruining Your Night school. He is a gentleman who respects women. He won't go on solo dates due to the current climate of ulcer-inducing petulance from Social-Media-Olds with a self-serving axe to grind. I VOTE. #HimToo
If you don't know what I'm talking about, then buckle in for a fast and fuzzy ride through the lifespan of a perfect meme, paralleled with the death of a dangerously untrue narrative that this is "a scary time for young men in America." Rest assured though, young (white) men: at the end of this ride, you will still retain the coveted privileges of getting famous on YouTube despite any discernible talent or charm, and being considered just a boy with a few youthful indiscretions under his needle-point golf belt well into middle-age.
On Saturday, October 6th, Twitter's very own @MarlaReynoldsC3 tweeted out a message of support to someone who really needed it right now: her young white son. She coupled this message of support with her extreme annoyance at women who make sexual assault accusations against sweet, innocent boys like her sweet, innocent (grown-man) son.
"This is MY son," she wrote in a now-deleted tweet: "He graduated #1 in boot camp. He was awarded the USO award. He was #1 in A school. He is a gentleman who respects women. He won't go on solo dates due to the current climate of false sexual accusations by radical feminists with an axe to grind. I VOTE. #HimToo" If I have said it here on TATBT once, I have said it a thousand times: these damn feminists with their damn axes and all their damn grinding!
It seemed word had yet to make it to Marla that false sexual assault accusations are a much, MUCH rarer occurrence than true sexual assault, and that, in general, false allegations are easily identifiable. (What do you want to bet that word also hasn't made it to Marla that the actual "current climate" is: APOCALYPSE FIRE BOMBS AND ACID OCEANS PENDING.)
But before the internet could let Marla know that her son should be in the clear for solo dates as long as he doesn’t do any assaultin’ at the sock hop…a better thing happened.
People began mocking Marla's unnecessary tweet of support for her son...
With photos of their own sons they thought might need some extra support during this trying time for young men, all under Marla’s #HimToo hashtag.
None of these poor young men wanted to go on solo dates anymore because they're all living in fear of the mean, grumpy, lying feminists who live in fear of, ugh, sexual assault. Except...
As it has been for the last six or so million years, the young white men are in fine shape, re: justice. A point helpfully made by by Marla's own many young, profusely blushing sons:
After seeing #HimToo was trending on social media, and realizing that this slight to both sexual assault victims and grammar was because of his own bloodline, Jon Hanson hopped on the largest, adultest son there is — Twitter — to offer his own mocking commentary. First, he begrudgingly claimed Marla as his mother, calling her tweet ridiculous.
Next, he moved onto the more important task of ragging on his brother for being the target of this particular Marla-mounted embarrassment (of which there seem to be many, though this is the first to go viral). In further tweets, Jon made it clear that while his brother Pieter is a decorated Navy vet, their mother completely fabricated his fear of going on "solo dates." The young white sailor is just fine. He's also...
Kinda f(o)ine?? No one in the family says it explicitly, but surely, just below "making Pieter seem like a whiny, date-less misogynist," on the list of embarrassing things Marla did to her son is, "making Pieter look like a dork when Pieter is actually very cute."
In addition to having a nice face, Pieter is also the proud new owner of a Twitter account, and what has to be one of the purest first tweets in existence — followed in rapid succession by four photos of his cats, one tweet in support of Make-A-Wish, and then the exact same Make-A-Wish tweet with the photo he meant to include the first time because he doesn't know how to use Twitter yet.
If Pieter is as intelligent as he seems, he will never tweet again — it cannot get better than this. From the handle @thatwasmymom, Pieter wrote: "That was my Mom. Sometimes the people we love do things that hurt us without realizing it. Let's turn this around. I respect and #BelieveWomen . I never have and never will support #HimToo . I'm a proud Navy vet, Cat Dad, and Ally. Also, Twitter, Your meme game is on point."
Sometimes parents suck, even when we've grown into adults. Kids can suck too...even when we've grown into adults. Everyone sucks sometimes, and some people suck all the time. The most you can hope for is that the most embarrassing people in your life keep their suckage off the viral internet. But where Marla sucked, Pieter soared, and it is my greatest hope that this nice young man who chooses to believe women will not immediately milkshake duck.
Because something beautiful happened on the internet last night — and the most beautiful thing about it was the speed with which it was over. Like a shooting star propelled by the ability to overcome closed-minded relatives, leaving only cat photos, a dead hashtag, and a feeling of shared strife in its wake.