A Bachelor Bio Breakdown: The Pied Peter
Because these women are children and ABC has lured them here, DO YOU GET IT???
The number of women competing to be Peter the Pilot's future co-girlfriends this season? 30. Their median age? 23. Countdown to the three hour premiere? Negative-10 minutes. The number of contestants from Chicago? Four. Number of women over 30? Just one sole survivor of The Great War, Natasha…
Hearing Chris Harrison call one of these women "the Forrest Gump of The Bachelor" in his torturous Facebook bio-release video? Absolutely priceless, my dudes.
Perhaps using a marketing rhetoric made popular by MasterCard commercials from 23 years ago is not the timeliest way to open 2020's Annual TATBT Bachelor Bio Breakdown. But who cares? The majority of these contestants were born in the exact same year as those MasterCard commercials: 1997! If any of them are reading this, they might think I invented that "priceless" phrasing style, and given that one-tenth of them are "marketing coordinators," I'm sure they'll be very impressed! [Ed. note: Hit me up ladies, I WILL write your charcoal toothpaste Instagram captions for you.]
But you know who’s probably less impressed with this season’s Bachelor bio roll out?
Every single former Bachelor contestant who are hopefully coming together at this very moment to file a class action lawsuit against ABC for how attractive Peter's women have been allowed to look in their cast photos.
Excuse me, exactly where have the Olan Mills jewel-tone backgrounds gone? Where the shiny foreheads and weird angles and washed-out skin? These women look flawless! I can only assume they're all monsters, and we've been presented with these photos of women-laughing-alone-with-salad (salad out of frame) simply to lure us into a false sense of security.
And li'l monsters, they very well should be. Your early twenties are precisely the time in one's life when you should be going full Jennifer's Body, chewing up men's spines and spitting them out. What should they not be doing? Competing for marriage on TV, probably. Truly, the only thing seven 23-year-olds should be gathered together for is a job fair…
Although, now that I think about it, a job fair kind of is what The Bachelor has become. A competition to see who will get the chance to earn those sweet, sweet FitFabFun dollars. When these women arrived at whatever Holiday Inn Express in whatever godforsaken American metropolis city was holding a Bachelor casting call, they were making an investment in their future.
One young woman, Savannah, just goes ahead and shouts out Revolve in her bio, and you have to appreciate the hustle. Embarrassingly, I recently purchased a pair of sequin pants from Revolve, and if I could have gotten those sequin pants plus an island-vacation for free, and all I had to do was make out with a pilot and/or embarrass myself on national TV, I would do it. These pants are very shiny.
And the economic prospects don’t just stop at hawking sequin pants! Jade Roper of "Jade and Tanner's wedding" fame just won $1 million on Draft Kings, and last night I saw Jesse Palmer in a Rooms To Go commercial, teeth gleaming like a row of Chiclets.
Aaaanyway, if you've noticed that I'm mostly harping on the youthful age of this season’s contestants, and have gone so far as to mention football in order to avoid talking about Peter, I would deem you as astute as Chris B. Harrison noticing that he called someone a “fan favorite” before the show has even aired.
It’s just that I have very little to say about Peter…
I know that he is your boyfriend. I recognize that he has a certain Sexy Hummel Doll appeal. I am aware that a woman who dated Luke P for a lengthy period of time and accepted a proposal of marriage from a dog food jingle writer named Jed said that Peter is good in bed. (And I know we love Hannah, but like, are we sure we should take Hannah's judgement as fact?) I think he seems like a very lovely vanilla-on-vanilla sheet cake that the nice woman at Harris Teeter wrote "this is a tall, brunette man" on in totally legible script. I just…
Feel nothing for him.And that's not fair! I liked Ben Higgins, who was as fat-free a vanilla bean yogurt as they make.
I disliked Colton because he didn't have a job — and Peter super has a job. That's his whole thing! He flies people around in planes and the bro fucking loves it. And while I kind of wish I could conjure more than a vague mental image of cheeks when I think of the man ABC has deemed this year's most eligible Bachelor, it's also a bit of a relief to be in the position of having exactly no expectations for Peter and his performance as the lead.
He cannot cry more than I expect him to; he cannot cry less than I expect him to. He cannot be dumber than I expect him to be; he cannot be smarter than I expect him to be. He cannot be hotter, or more charming, or well-spoken, or ill-equipped to handle this power than I know him to be, because of Peter the Pilot, I know nothing. I'm sorry to this man. I know I sound ridiculous. Soon, I will see Peter walking down a street and recognize him because he will be the man in a pilot's uniform making pilot-related puns, and I will know him to be the Bachelor/future-boyfriend of a number of women who own at least six pairs of Bella-Hadid-style biker shorts…
But mostly, to me, Peter is a handsome void, soon to be filled by 30 far more interesting women (and girls).
To hear Chris Harrison—your least favorite track on Michael Bublé’s Greatest Hits album—tell it, this dynamic group includes four bad-asses, and at least five hearts-of-gold…
It also includes a number of women of color, which the Bachelor bio writers simply cannot help but spin into a dynamic tapestry of microagressions. Women aren't from Nigeria, they're "from a diverse background"; Latina women are "fiery"; a black woman, whose physical form we can only see from the shoulders up, "may look like a city girl," but you guys, she grew up on a farm. Can you believe it??? A farm!
And according to Chris, one woman, Mykenna, "wears he heart on her sleeve, and that sleeve is on her face." Okay, that one's not a microagression, unless you count what my face did when Chris said it, which was rather threatening.
All in all, even though this year’s bios are back to being longer than a few sentences, they give us perhaps less than ever to work with. It's mostly just "Sarah R is a hopeless romantic who idolizes her grandparent's love" filler, instead of the stuff that really helps you get to know a woman like which kitchen appliance she would be if she could be any kitchen appliance, and what her worst date fear is. (It's diarrhea 100 percent of the time, but it's just nice to hear the Instagram models have to say it.)
Nevertheless, I'm sure these women will prove themselves immersion blenders and Nespresso machines in no time, so without further ado, it's time to…
MAKE WILD ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT THEIR CHARACTER BASED SOLELY ON THEIR LOOKS AND A HANDFUL OF SENTENCES ABOUT THEIR LOVE OF BOOK CLUB AND TINY TATTOOS, PLUS WHATEVER WEIRD SHIT CHRIS HARRISON DECIDES TO SAY, SELECTED AT RANDOM AND IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER:
PAYTON, 23: Business Development Rep from Wellesley, MA
Most of these bios are about as interesting as a catalog for chunky orthopedic shoes, but Payton's just dives right into a Lifetime movie:
"Payton grew up in Ohio with her four siblings, and thanks to some serious Facebooking, she recently discovered that she has a fifth! After a stranger messaged her, she found out she has a long-lost sister."
And then whoever writes these things has the nerve to just move right along to talking about Payton's last serious relationship, as if anyone could be interested in hearing about one single other thing than her secret sister, and maybe her bulldog, Louise.
Payton's not very athletic, but loves the outdoors? Oh cool, but which one of her parents did she recently find out is a liar, and is this really the kind of thing to use an exclamation point about?
Payton's never met a stranger? I believe it, but also, was this a 23-and-Me situation, or did her secret sister always know about her other family, but Payton never did?
Oh, Payton enjoys a nice glass of wine? Totally, ME TOO, but also: does "long-lost" imply that this fifth child was somehow adopted, or abducted in a grocery store, or a sperm bank situation or…so help me, if one of these three hours isn't devoted to Payton's familial drama, I will…STILL WATCH THE REST OF THE SEASON, but I will BE FUMING THE WHOLE TIME. (Chris Harrison, a variety of fake mustaches in the Target clearance aisle, deems this "a very cool life story.")
EUNICE, 23: Flight Attendant from Chicago, IL
Hello, my name is Jodi and I'm obsessed with Eunice. First of all, she's hot with the name of a mean ghost—that's a power move! Second of all, "her signature dance move is the ponytail helicopter." Another power move, and one that requires a deep commitment to conditioning and regularly scheduled trims.
But mostly, Chris Harrison is teeing up some a Caelynn/Hannah-style run-in between Eunice and another flight attendant who runs in the same airline circles as her that I am very interested in. You know what's better than beauty pageant drama? FLIGHT ATTENDANT DRAMA. It's like beauty pageant drama that can fly.
Plus, Eunice also describes herself as a reformed sorority party girl, which at 23, means it's all still right there at surface, just waiting to erupt like geyser made of Everclear and Urban Decay eyeshadow palettes.
HANNAH ANN, 23: Model from Knoxville, TN
In the photos I’ve seen of her, Hannah Ann has those same kind of innately-panicked eyes that got the Peloton actress in so much hot water. It makes me worried that she's being forced to go on The Bachelor against her will by some sort of Knoxville Instagram model pimp.
As it turns out, that pimp is Hannah G, who also has panic-eyebrows now that I think about it. Chris Harrison tells us that Hannah Ann was sent to them by Hannah G from Colton’s season, who I guess she knows Hannah Ann from the Instagram model streets and carries a lot of weight now that she fell in luv on Bachelor In Paradise?
Hannah Ann’s bio truly could not be more boring (which basically guarantees a Final 4 finish) with all the tell-tale mentions of her parents being her role models and a non-professional interest in interior decorating. But Chris insists that "every bit of drama you could run into, that was Hannah Ann." I assume he means she was forced to ride a stationary bike every day for a year and vlog about it under threat of not receiving her daily allotment of BelVita breakfast biscuits. Or she’s an adorable nightmare — only time will tell!
JENNA, 22: Nursing Student from New Lenox, IL
At 22-years-old, I'm not sure Jenna can legally consent to being on this show. If you have to be a certain age to vote and a certain age to drink alcohol, I think you should have to be a certain age to choose to document your life on reality television. [Ed. note: And that age should be 45. Horny middle-aged people are SO much more interesting than horny young people, just watch The Real Housewives of New York City cast turn into sequin-clad sharks the moment a recently divorced entertainment lawyer with skin the consistency of beef jerky enters their feeding area.]
Jenna's bio states that after "a life-changing trip to Africa for a medical mission, Jenna realized that she needed to start doing activities to make herself happy and not be such a pushover." And I'm all for self-worth, but a medical mission to Africa is an extremely wild time to realize you need to give more to…yourself. Chris tells us that Jenna arrives on night one "with another lady and then leaves that lady with Peter," which he says is a show first, and I simply cannot stand for this DJ Aggro/Lucy the Dog erasure!
KIARRA, 23: Nanny from Kennesaw, GA
Kiarra seems very cute and like she's going to be sticking around awhile, but she has to know that in terms of red-flag-phrases, "can literally talk to a brick wall" is right up there with "gets along better with men than women" or "HATES drama" or "don't really know why I'm on this thing" in a Bumble bio. It's gonna be a left swipe from me, dawg.
And yet! Chris insists that Kiarra is a house favorite who immediately earns the nickname "Kiki." He also insists that her limo entrance is the rare one that impressed him because "she really put her life in danger…I'm not sure this is even legal, but she did it."
Did this woman…do an Amsterdam ping pong show in front of Peter? Chris, how man edibles did you take before this Facebook Live???
MADISON, 23: Foster Parent Recruiter from Auburn, AL
Madison is a four-time state basketball champion who would rather "rock a cool pair of Jordans than any heel," her dad is a coach at Auburn, if she could bring one book to a desert island it would be the Bible, she has already sold me four tubes of Colgate White, and at 23, has an actual job which is recruiting foster parents—if Madison doesn't have a Neil Lane diamond on her finger, a signed Bachelorette contract, or maybe her own Hallmark movie by the end of this, I will be shocked. SHOCKED!
KELLEY, 27: Attorney from Chicago, IL
But Kelley is also exuding some Big Bachelorette Energy. She's pretty, she has a real job as a lawyer, and “her most recent relationship was an international long-distance affair where she was traveling to Jordan once or twice a month”…so something is up. She's also really pushing being an independent woman "who doesn't need a man to take care of her" in her bio, and then ever so casually drops that she works at her dad's law firm. Which is fine! It does not discredit her hard work! It's just so perfectly Bachelorette.
I do feel a little better knowing that Kelley, a 27-year-old lawyer, will be in the house so that when someone inevitably starts a curling-wand-related grease fire, there's at least one person who stands the chance of knowing that you cannot put it out with micellar water. Chris Harrison tells us that Kelly "definitely knows how to work the game, and uses all the rules, and actually makes up rules, and finds loophole to her advantage." CHRIS. What rules?! Bro, r u ok???
NATASHA, 31: Event Planner from New York, NY
You guys, so sad, Natasha actually died peacefully in her sleep at her assisted living home after the first Rose Ceremony. At her age, it was to be expected after so much activity.
[Ed. note: I LOVE YOU, NATASHA! WE’RE THE SAME AGE, NATASHA! I KNOW YOU WOULD HAVE GOTTEN MY PRICELESS RIFF, NATASHA! I AM ROOTING FOR YOU, NATASHA!]
TAMMY, 24: House Flipper from Syracuse, NY
Okay, for Tammy alone, I will allow Chris Harrison—your second favorite pair of Warby Parker frames that you almost just went ahead and purchased, but then decided, no, not worth it, you should only buy the ones you really like—that "badass" moniker he so loves.
Tammy is a house flipper who has been working since she graduated high school. That is, high school, where Tammy was rejected from the all-boys wrestling team, so she showed up to every practice and pushed forward a Title IX complaint until she was allowed on the team, where she carried out a 7-1 varsity record. Also, Tammy simply didn't tell her mom she was coming on this show, which has a real "Baby Bekah is missing, oh wait, she was just working on a weed farm” energy that I’m into.
And just as one last reminder, Tammy is a professional house flipper. If this mermaid-haired woman doesn't have a show on Joanna Gaines' new TV network within the calendar year, then honestly, what has any of this been for?
KELSEY, 28: Professional Clothier from Des Moines, IA
Kelsey's bio is an utter emotional roller coaster for me. First, there's the sentence, "Kelsey has had her share of relationship issues in the past, but thanks to frequent Pilates classes, she's in peak physical and spiritual form." I am very pleased that exercise has had a positive impact on Kelsey's life…
But it is really asking a lot of me not to mock what is basically the equivalent of a T-shirt that says "Orange Theory is my therapy.” But then my girl Kelsey goes and talks about how much she likes crying, which, me too. And then Chris says he's pretty sure "Ashley I actually owns that intellectual property," which is hands down the funniest thing Chris has ever said…
But then Kelsey says if you want to give her a gift, "Don't get her flowers—get her chocolate!" so I'm back to rolling my eyes. But then Kelsey says she's like an onion, she has layers, and you know I stan a beautiful woman who loves Shrek!!! We might just have to call an audible on whether Kelsey is a dream or a nightmare dressed like a professional clothier (???) during Monday’s premiere.
LEXI, 26: Marketing Coordinator from New York, NY
Finally, some redhead visibility on The Bachelor…
And then Lexi has to come out here and says that "dating as a redhead is hard." Dammit, Lexi! If we don't stop calling each other sluts and [undesirable redheads], it just make it okay for other people to call us sluts and [undesirable redheads]!
VICTORIA F, 25: Medical Sales Rep from Virginia Beach, VA
And finally, we have Victoria F, the Forrest Gump of The Bachelor. I actually did understand what Chris Harrison, a batch of Trader Joe's cauliflower gnocchi you left in the microwave just a hair too long, was trying to say when he gave Victoria F this title. Chris says that Victoria F "goes through everything you could go through on this show, and in a weird way, everything that happened was actually a Bachelor first." Like how Forrest Gump invented that smiley face shirt, and started Bubba Gump Shrimp Company, and taught Elvis how to dance.
What seafood companies Victoria F will start, or rock n' roll legacies she will create during her tenure on The Bachelor remains to be seen, but I know this: no woman has been teed up this hard in a long time. This tiny person who just wants a man that will love her dog Buxton unconditionally better wreak some havoc. I'm talking, run through the Reflecting Pool at a protest rally, make Peter’s mom cry, become an international ping pong champion, shave another woman’s head in her sleep kind of drama…
And with that, we must turn our eyes to the actual three-hour Bachelor premiere, where these women will speak actual words, 50 percent of which will be aviation puns. The other 50 percent will be windmill puns. If Peter has a speaking voice, I am unaware of the fact, but I promise to be open minded, and never compare him to mayonnaise even if he picks a 23-year-old marketing coordinator over my best friend, Tammy. See you back here later this week! Tell all your Bachelor-loving frands to sign up for TATBT!