'The Bachelor' premiere recap: Chekhov's Butterfly

Pssst: if you have any trouble viewing this especially lengthy recap, just head to the TATBT website!
COLTON UNDERWOOD, KATIE

To quote a former friend of mine who was actually 12 family-size packs of ground beef shaped into human-form and turned sentient by an evil witch, Chad:

F*CK YOU, CHRIS HARRISON!"

You're going to brag about this three-hour episode to me for weeks, you're going to call this a "live" premiere unlike any we've ever seen, you're going to make me actually sit in front of my television and watch commercials like some kind of old-timey American Girl doll who has to churn butter by candlelight while wearing a belted burlap sack as a dress, and then you're going to make an hour-and-a-half of that run-time BACHELOR WATCH PARTIES???

Chris Harrison Abc GIF by The Bachelor

The Bachelor…what are you thinking, pals? Has anyone—anyone—ever asked for more Jared? Let alone Jared screaming back and forth from a crowd of hill people in Utah to Chris Harrison and a crowd of smoothie shop employees in L.A.? I have had time to sit with this, and I truly cannot believe that the producers of this show sat down at a table, looked each other in the eyes, and said, You know what the watchers of our show want? To watch each other watch it.

Chris Harrison, you monster in a fancy car salesman's body—I am a watch party! Why would we want to watch Bachelor-watching parties while we are watching The Bachelor? We could just look in the mirror and scream until we go hoarse and it would have the same effect as you throwing to Kaitlyn Bristowe every five minutes to gauge how excited a crowd of Bachelor fans are.

kaitlyn bristowe dab GIF by The Bachelor

Chris, would you be excited to host a show about other show-hosts hosting a show? Colton, would you like to date 30 women who are simultaneously dating 30 other women? Doesn't that seem like it would be a bit of a distraction from the main event? Surely there was three hours' worth of footage to be mined from this night that featured 30 women meeting their potential husband in five-minute increments over the course of 12 hours.

The cocktail party starts in the dark and ends in broad daylight, for goodness’ sake! I have to imagine Colton's first-night rejections felt like they were emerging from some off-brand Captain America matinee showing. They come in looking like Disney princesses and they leave dehydrated, with matted extensions, and covered in glitter-feces like a bunch of gorgeous zoo animals held in captivity for too long.

I would gladly watch a live feed of women slowly losing their grip on reality because they couldn’t get any face time with an adult virgin due to a Fort Lauderdale D.J. repeatedly stealing him away to talk about her geriatric dog…

Instead, we were saddled with a over an hour of watching other people watch The Bachelor in between actually meeting the 30 women we came here to meet. I'm almost afraid to tell you this, but you know Bri? No, come on, you remember her? The young woman that introduced herself to Colton in an Australian accent and just full-on faked being from another country in order to get noticed. Y'know, the one I wrote 1,000 words about, professing my love and allegiance to before the premiere even hit the air. Ringing any bells?

episode 1 accent GIF by The Bachelor

Okay, great, well these jerks never even told us if Colton found out she wasn't Australian, or not! She just cruised right through the rose-receiving line without us ever hearing from her again.

And then they had the nerve—the absolute gall—to publish a! deleted! scene! of Bri telling Colton she's a liar. A three-hour premiere had time for the proposals of two sets of strangers, 17 former Bachelor contestants with brand new faces screaming some variation of "We're having a blast out here in Montana" 17,000 times, and a full segment of Chris Harrison staring lovingly at old footage of Chris Harrison…

Chris Harrison Abc GIF by The Bachelor

But they didn't have time to close the loop on the the very limo introduction that THEY have been touting all over the internet?! The balls on this season of The Bachelor are of the absolute biggest and bluest variety.

To quote my arch nemesis, Chris Harrison, during that montage that proved once and for all that he is a vampire who feasts on the blood of the wicked to stay young, so truly, hiring a virgin was the only way for the franchise to ever hope to defeat him:

"You told everyone last night to suck a d*ck."

Indeed, ABC, you did! Because you know that even though my complete abandon of the laws of italics and exclamation points can only mean one thing — that your 90 minutes of live watch party footage broke me — I will still tune my happy ass right back in all season long to see what could possibly make Colton haul his 6’3 self over a nine-foot tall fence, forcing production to go full Blair Witch Project in the woods in the season preview.

They know that they could go one-for-one interspersing scenes of Nick Viall practicing his stand-up comedy routine, live footage of Ashley I trying to take the perfect selfie, and just a silent scrolling feed of Different Eyewear sunglasses in between every minute of actual Bachelor footage, and I would still watch the entire season [ed. Note: I want to be clear that I WOULD draw the line at every having to hear Becca say "go find your Garrett" ever again]. Because they know that they have a hot ass mess on their hands, and we wanna watch it.

ABC told us to suck a dick, and by golly, we did it. For three straight hours.

And at the end of it, we know even less about Colton than we did before. Because we have only ever been told two things about Colton, repeatedly and without relent: Colton is a virgin and Colton is a former NFL player. Both are true on a scale of how heteronormatively you categorize "sex", and how loosely you define "active NFL playing time," respectively. And if I had a nickel for every time I've had to consider those two things at once, I could afford my very own sequined sloth suit.

These are the Colton-characteristics that ABC throws in our face constantly, but the thing that Colton wants to make sure we're clear on is the fact that he is very comfortable in his skin and he's totally ready for marriage, and he's not at all defensive about audiences not believing him. Not. At. All.

Virginity, football, readiness—that's what we're being told. But the one thing we know, vis a vis what we’ve seen, is that our big boy Colton generally thinks he's emotionally ready for something, starts out real strong, begins spiraling the moment he realizes he's going to have to make an emotionally difficult decision, has a full-tilt meltdown when he realizes what that decision should be, and is eventually reduced to nothing but a sleeveless-hoodie full of tears when he executes the decision.

The kid is built like a brick house, has the emotional fragility of a Dorito, and he has no idea. At one point in the premiere he tells a potential life partner while explaining how his young age doesn't preclude him from being ready for marriage: "My life experience has made me more of a man than most 30-year-olds."

Episode 1 Abc GIF by The Bachelor

And I don’t think even the 23-year-old beauty queen that he says it to — the one wearing a "Miss Underwood" sash declaring her to be Colton's unmarried female relative — really buys it.

But Colton does, and that's what's important. Because that means that no matter what, even if this premiere was fairly uneventful and even if we did have to watch it in itty bitty increments between scenes of Ben Higgins being accosted by a woman in a toboggan and Krystal and Goose-Chris 100 percent catching a staph infection in a parking lot hot tub…

The wheels are coming off this thing eventually.

It might not be good for Colton, but it will be good for us. Remember how it felt to watch Peter rip his sweater off in anger because he truly Felt Something for Rachel? This season has that kind of potential. And that's not even mentioning the most important part of any Bachelor season: the women.

FRONT: NICOLE. CAITLIN, ANGELIQUE, KATIE, CASSIE, COLTON UNDERWOOD, COURTNEY, KIRPA, ALEX D.TAHZJUAN, DEMI
MIDDLE: HANNAH G, REVIAN, JANE, ONYEKA, TRACY, NINA, ELYSE, LAURA, ERIN, TAYSHIA, CAELYNN 
REAR: BRIANNA, DEVIN, HANNAH B, ANNIE, ERIKA, SYDNEY, HEA

Even with only 20 collective minutes of air time in the premiere, I am here to tell you that this particular group of women is geared up.

Most of them have just graduated college, after all—they've had no time to get complacent! Making Colton fall in love with them is just the next fight to win an unpaid internship or hotly contended sorority presidency runoff. The boundless energy coupled with complete lack of social propriety I had when I was 23-years-old could have melted the tooth enamel off of any reasonably-aged human.

Truly, more than any season before it, this one represents a generational turnover in contestants. This is a group of young women who won't even think it's crazy that they came on this show. Most of them were in the first grade when The Bachelor premiered; they've never really known a time when meeting a mate on reality TV wasn't at least an option.

It's like how we've watched online dating go from desperate, to normalized, to expected. I imagine all these 23-year-olds at their auditions inside a Courtyard Marriot conference room, saying, Most of my friends have met THEIR husbands on basic cable reality shows, so I figured, why not give it a shot?! What's the worst that could happen? He hops a fence to get away from me? Hahahaha…

episode 1 abc GIF by The Bachelor

And since Colton is the emptiest and hunkiest of voids, they can project anything they want onto their potential future husband. We're told at various points throughout the premiere that Colton is "rare," that he has "all the morals and characters" they're looking for in a man, and that they're sure Colton will be welcoming of complicated family dynamics…

All based on the fact that he's a virgin — admittedly, because he just kind of lost track of the time, and then psyched himself out. Listen, I don't want to be too hard on the kid, but it doesn't matter what I do or say: these women are going to eat him alive and floss with his hoodie strings either way.

DOES THIS VIRGINITY PUN MAKE YOU HORNY, BABY?

An hour into the three hour premiere, the first woman gets out of the limo, and I just want to get this out of the way first: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT DEMI? WHAT! DID! I! SAY! ABOUT! DEMI!

Demi was the meanest girl on your freshman hall, that only YOU realized was mean because you're an incredible judge of character, until Junior year when everyone was like, “Oh shit, did you hear Demi turned into a stone-cold nightmare,” so she transferred schools and started the cycle all over again. Sorry Demi, I don't make the rules, just the baseless judgments. Please don't replace the shampoo in my shower caddy with Nair.

Oh, right…that's what I had said. If it seems like I'm tooting my own horn about the complete accuracy of this statement from weeks ago, just wait until you meet Demi, who gets a coveted "at home" package and uses every second of it to start laying the groundwork for how amazing she is.

Demi is a to-scale 23-year-old My Size Barbie; she loves insisting that you not let her extremely hot appearance fool you because she loves muddin' and four-wheelin' and long-boardin' as much as the next pandering gal; oh, and…her mom is in federal prison for embezzlement.

As far as I can recall, that is a new plot line for The Bachelor, but that ain't the end of it: Demi's mom is up for parole very soon. "So potentially the first time I would see her would be with Colton,” Demi tells the cameras. Y'all — I am fearful of what the producers might do to Colton in order to make him keep Demi until Hometowns.

Demi makes it clear that she is "concerned" about Colton's virginity with an extremely lengthy metaphor about needing to try a few flavors of cupcake before you settle on your favorite. But don't worry, Demi assures us:

Then she marches her tiny self out of that limo in a truly confounding two-piece number, and tells Colton: "I have not dated a virgin since I was 12, but I'm excited to give it another shot." Much like Colton, I will not be touching that with a six-inch pole.

[Ed. Note: AND THAT'S HOW A SEX PUN IS DONE ABC, THIS IS THE EFFECT OF DEMI'S UNERRING CONFIDENCE BABYYYYYY!!!]


But as is Bachelor law, for ever Demi, there must be a CASSIE: a 23-year-old "Speech Pathologist and grad student" — so, speech pathologist grad student — who’s hoping her field of expertise will help her communicate well with Colton. I am also hoping that, Cassie. It's possible that some post-graduate training might be just what's necessary to help Colton through…Colton-ing this season.

Not to mention, Cassie is wholesome as a glass of milk, she wears a flowy floral print dress which makes her stand out like a sunflower in a sea of sequins at the cocktail party, and her limo introduction is quite sweet…after it is briefly horrifying.

CASSIE

She arrives with a box telling Colton that she has "so many butterflies" over meeting him, and then she opens the box and…nothing happens. Everyone though the butterflies died inside the box too, right??? No, sensing a PETA situation, ABC only armed Cassie with decorative butterflies, and when she turns over the box, they clatter to the ground. It still has a hint of morbidity until she walks away and…y'all, Colton picks one up AND TUCKS IT IN HIS COAT POCKET.

I don't care if there was a producer hissing at him off-screen to do it, we will see that butterfly again, and I will cry, because I simply am the person that I am.


When we meet KATIE, she is doing a workout designed by Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson because I guess it takes a lot of hard work to stay on top of the Medical Sales Rep game. But it doesn’t take much to pretend like you, a beautiful 26-year-old former dancer, have an interest in sleight-of-hand magic.

Katie thrusts a deck of cards at Colton, has him pick one, snatches it back and says, "Oh, I think I took your V card." This poor boy…


But at least Colton has a non-judgmental friend in HEATHER, a 22-year-old from California who's never even kissed anyone. In her at-home package, she stares lovingly at a framed photo of herself and Colton from when they met at a charity event. I am very uncomfortable with Heather's presence on the show, and wish for her to be returned to the sea, because she is clearly a mermaid who's made a deal with a sea witch to trade her dignity for human legs.

HEATHER

She's the one who tells Colton he is "incredibly rare" during her limo introduction, and every Baptist youth group memory still rattling around in my brain fires up on all cylinders: ABORT! ABORT!


And yet, I stay, because I have to meet ONYEKA, a 24-year-old who describes herself as "a lot to handle," but has "a big heart that comes along with that." And you know what, I believe her. Onyeka seems both nurturing and terrifying. For example: "If I was the person Colton gave his virginity to, I would pull out all the tricks,” she says.

hungry episode 1 GIF by The Bachelor

Onyeka is one of 25 women this season who take their propensity for "telling it like it is" very seriously, which is why I was surprised that she was so accommodating to Colton not being able to pronounce her full name. Like, this is a guy who had to remember how to run Triple Whammy No-Hold-Em Alaska Sidesplits in the NFL (or whatever) — I think he can handle a few syllables over the status quo.


TAHZJUAN

Unfortunately, TAHZJUAN'S limo introduction is also spent discussing how to pronounce her name, but there is absolutely no question about committing to memory:

HANNAH G.

HANNAH G, a 23-year-old with blonde hair and green eyes that Colton noticeably falls in love when he spots said blonde hair and green eyes…

HANNAH B.

HANNAH B, the other 23-year-old Hannah with blonde hair and green eyes who calls herself a "hot mess express" even though she is Miss Alabama…

CAELYNN, COLTON UNDERWOOD

CAELYNN who beat Hannah B when she was Miss North Carolina in the same pageant, but chooses to wear a Miss Underwood sash instead, which I get, but also destines her to a future as Colton's unwed relative…

CAITLIN, COLTON UNDERWOOD

Or CAITLIN, a 25-year-old with blonde hair and green eyes who pops a red balloon to signify the popping of Colton's non-existent hymen: “So now we don't need to talk about virginity anymore."


But my favorite joke-approach to not talking about Colton's virginity, is KIRPA, actually not talking about Colton's virginity. And it didn't even make it on air!

KIRPA

Kirpa, a very fun-seeming dental hygienist with an unfortunate up-do at the cocktail party, flew straight past commenting on Colton's current sexual state, and gave a sex-positive update on her own: per some behind-the-scenes reports, Kirpa hosed down the mansion's driveway and then asked Colton if it was a little wet around there—OR WAS IT JUST HER???

And then ABC didn't air it! They just showed Kirpa saying how excited she was that Colton was the Bachelor [ed. note: yeah, SEEMS LIKE IT].

It's wild that in a season where ABC is trying to focus entirely on the absence of sex, there is more discussing of human sexuality in the premiere alone, than the rest of the seasons put together. (Excluding Bachelor in Paradise, of course, where someone is vocally giving or receiving a handy under a large throw pillow at any given moment.)

YEAH, SO WHAT IS COLTON'S DEAL?

Colton's deal is the same as many people’s deal: he says one thing and does another.

COLTON UNDERWOOD

I don't think Colton wants to be defined by his virginity, but I also think he's a little relieved to have something defining him at all. It seems like his lifelong devotion to football is something he's both proud of and haunted by, so now he's grasping at straws to tell us who he is. He also, uh, bends the truth a lot: "I'm Colton Underwood, I'm 26, and I never expected to be the next Bachelor." Yeah, okay, bud.

This season of The Bachelor is just blazing past the fact that Colton has a documented propensity for sliding into fame-adjacent women's DMs, which is not surprising—but what is surprising is how we're just all acting like Bachelor in Paradise and Tia never happened. "I know not everyone is going to like me and I know I have a lot of room to grow," Colton says. "But I also have an idea of what I want now, and that's what's so exciting about all of this."

Oh, do you, bro? At exactly what point between not being able to muster up the courage to tell Tia you didn't like her, and now, did you develop this keen sense for what you want?

I'm not saying that people can't change and grow, but I am saying we've all heard that misappropriated quote about insanity, re: doing the same thing twice (or a third time) and expecting a different result…

Luckily for Colton, he's in the right place for finding a gal who might be interested in a little insanity, and being watched by a TV audience who happily welcomes the same insane results over and over and over again. We truly do not give two shits that he's a virgin. And the women truly do not care that he is not at all equipped to emotionally tend to all of their needs, just as long as he keeps ups this two-showers-an-hour pace he's set in the premiere.

Colton welcomes his harem into the mansion with a speech, throughout which, he sounds like he could break down into tears at any given moment: "I know there have been some people who say I might not be ready for this, but I'm here standing in front of all of you to let you know I'm so excited, and I am so ready for this."

Yes, okay, whatever you say pal, we trust you!!!

KISSES & MISSES

Will it shock you if I say that Demi is the first to steal Colton away for a chat? And how about if I tell you that she starts by negging him about remembering her name, then tells him that she knows she's pretty, but she's actually a total tomboy. And what if I told you that after their conversation, Demi tells us, "I could see it in his eyes that Colton's got a little crush on me."

Demi scares the shit out of me, but I also wonder if they should just fire Colton and make Demi the Bachelor?

episode 1 demi GIF by The Bachelor

Colton says he likes confident women, but he seems to be most attracted to the women that tell him they're nervous because it makes him seem less nervous by comparison.

He sits down with Hannah G—who truly looks so much like an animated Disney princess right down to the disproportionately large head, it's unbelievable—and does a breathing technique that he and his mom do together to calm down. It's pretty sweet. Ugh.

deep breath hannah GIF by The Bachelor

But the real fireworks start with Caelynn who, dammit, seems pretty interesting. She's was runner-up for Miss USA, she has a lot of international traveling stories, and she somehow inspires Colton to tell a whole ass joke when she’s musing about the time she was jumped in Thailand: "Well, I was dumped before Thailand, so we have something sort of in common," he stutters out.

And then, perhaps riding high on the burst of personality, he kisses her.

Colton dances to a string quartet with SYDNEY, who quit the Knicks City Dancers to come on the show, but it's Katie, the other dance-quitter and V-card-stealer who gets the next kiss. I don't even know how it happened, either! They were just talking about how close they are with their families (the Bachelor equivalent of talking about your job on a normal date), and how glad they were to be there, then BOOM—making out.

I think Colton is just really attracted to Katie, so he kissed her, which leads one to wonder: why, when given a truly rom-com-style opportunity to kiss Cassie, whose butterfly currently resides in the pocket over his heart, did he not do it?! In their time together, Cassie tells Colton that she knows a little sign language from being a speech pathologist (student); when she shows him "rose" he at first thinks she's signing "kiss," so she shows him how to sign "kiss" — and then, nothing.

They part ways tongueless, but he does say after his time with Cassie how smitten he feels with a few of the women. And as for the rest…


There's poor ALEX D, who somehow got convinced to come dressed as a sloth, and then just committed to the bit a little too hard. She spoke sooooo sloooowly throughout her entire limo introduction that Colton was trying to finish her sentences just to move things along.

Then she kept the costume on throughout the duration of the cocktail party, finally taking it off when she sat down with Colton, and giving him what had to be a damp hug. Free of her suit, homegirl suddenly goes full "Jessica's Daily Affirmations" on him: "I love my mom and dad, I love my city, I love my job, I love animals [I! Love! My! Whole! House!]." It's pretty awful, and I hope no one ever wears an animal suit again unless Alexis makes a glorious return as the Left-Shark that made anyone think an animal suit was a good idea in the first place.

And then of course, there's CATHERINE AKA DJ AGRO from Fort Lauderdale.

What to say about Catherine? The thing about Catherine, who is a surprising 26, is… you kind of have to avoid saying a few things. You just have to think them…and stare at them…but there's still plenty left on the table because Catherine is a DJ from Fort Lauderdale who arrives last at the mansion with her elderly dog Lucy in tow.

Episode 1 Abc GIF by The Bachelor

And then immediately GIVES THE DOG TO COLTON and says, "I thought since you were laying your heart on the line, it was only fair that I give you a piece of mine." Colton laughs nervously, tries to give the dog back, and DJ Agro is like, No, no, no—you keep the elderly dog even though you are literally at your full-time job right now.

And then she just…walks away! Leave her geriatric dog with a stranger. That seems like animal cruelty, even if I did enjoy the clips of Chris Harrison walking Lucy around while Colton makes out with women inside.

DROWNING IN BITCHES

As you can imagine, the other women do not like that Catherine got to bring her dog, setting her up to be a villain from the jump, even though there are much bigger threats they need to be looking out for — Demi is somewhere spiking champagne with laxatives as we speak.

And Lucy is…unaccounted for. Catherine thinks this dogsitting bit is soooo cute, but Colton is clearly rattled. She coos, "Y'know, I'm putting [Lucy] in your hands … you have to win us both over, not just her."

Did everyone in this cast have to read The Game before they arrived, or something? Are they big fans of The Pickup Artist?! Why are they all negging this fragile man so much??

Luckily, Colton is rescued by TRACY, the unfortunately dressed fashion stylist; but just as they're getting down to coloring their shoes (sure!), Catherine shows back up. She's never had to fight for someone's attention before, but she's willing to fight for Colton’s because, you see: "This is our moment to connect, ideally fall in love, create this whole entire amazing lifestyle together, and so we need more than a few minutes together."

Whole amazing lifestyles are at stake, Tracy, give up the fucking sneakers!!!!

And Tracy does relent when Catherine reclaims her time, but then she makes mention of the interruption when she sits back down with the other women, including — dun, dun, dun — Onyeka and Demi. But who will take the bait?

episode 1 abc GIF by The Bachelor

Onyeka, obviously, because as a true villain, Demi knows to hold back until there are real stakes. Onyeka just doesn't give a shit. She says Catherine is disrespecting everyone by taking more than her fair share of Colton's time and she's going to give her a taste of her own medicine. Buuuut, I think she's moooostly ready to snap on her snorkel, blow her whistle, and roll out this line she’s been working on:

Colton is…nervous. Catherine still does not seem to want to release the Bachelor from her grips, but she goes along with it; Colton and Onyeka have a very normal conversation, and then Catherine takes Colton again from whatever poor dummy dared to try to speak to him.

So Onyeka decides it's time—at halfway through the first night—for a confrontation. And I guess she's right. At three interruptions, and with Colton visibly annoyed every time, it doesn’t seem like Catherine plans on giving up her forcibly created one-on-one date with Colton. But I want to know:

  1. Why we don't get to hear here telling him about her life as a DJ?

  2. Why Colton doesn't just say no? He literally sits there and blinks nervously every time she interrupts, until the other woman says, sure okay whatever.

I, a natural villain like Demi, wouldn't be the one to throw myself on the sword if I'd already gotten my time. But Onyeka is bored and seems rather action-oriented, so she tasks herself with telling DJ Agro that she's agro-vating the shit out of everyone and making some haters out of her future roommates. Haters, you say?

Catherine says she's sorry if she insulted anyone, but she wants time with Colton; Onyeka says she's creating bad blood; Catherine says she doesn’t like conflict; Onyeka says she's here to keep it real; they toast their glasses and move on.

It's not particularly dramatic, but it is weird. I kind of…liked the way Catherine handled it??? I mean, she sucks, yes. But she doesn’t seem to be defensive about people thinking she sucks; she just takes her lumps, keeps quiet, and then goes about doing exactly what she wants to.

I could watch the transition of Onyeka telling the camera that she feels good about their conversation to Onyeka finding out that Catherine just interrupted Colton's conversation with another woman for a fourth time…forever. Just incredible stuff. It is my greatest hope that one day I can create the Reality TV Draft of my dreams, where Catherine could be traded to the Real Housewives franchise where she truly belongs.

THE FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE OF DOOM

Of all the blonde-haired, green-eyed beauties in the bunch (ten!), Colton could only choose one who made the strongest first impression on him, and that one was 23-year-old Hannah from Alabama…

No the other 23-year old Hannah from Alabama: Hannah G, the one who doesn't mention she's from Alabama every 10 seconds!

But we know that Hannah G is also from Alabama, which makes it all the more confusing that Colton keeps saying his reason for picking her is because she "reminds [him] of home," when Colton is very much from Colorado. I guess that's just his way of saying: She's the one I find the hottest.

On The Bachelorette, the First Impression Rose means almost everything — and on The Bachelor, it means nearly nothing. Remember when Ben Higgins gave his to Olivia? Hannah G could very well win this season, but it will not be because of the first impression she made on Colton. No one has made any impression on Colton beyond "you have beautiful eyes," which he says to Hannah G, Demi, Caelynn, and gorgeous ALEX B the god rescuer who literally could not speak.

But she was still probably one long blink away from winning that First Impression Rose. I'm not saying that men don't have great intuition — the men of The Bachelor are saying men don't have great intuition. I am but their humble messenger.

And ABC's message is clear in the preview of the upcoming season that closes out the premiere: Colton is a sexy, sexy boy and you will love watching him be sexy with all these women, right up until he completely loses his shit; you will actually love that. And listen, after Ari's season, an emotional response isn’t the worst thing we could hope for from our next Bachelor. I mean, I guess we could hope for him to have a career, or a strong and guiding handle on his desires, but…

In lieu of that, I will accept weeping!

We get very few tears from the departing girlfriends though. Alex the Sloth, Erin, Jane, Laura, Revian, Tahzjuan, and Devin mostly exit with little fanfare except for Tahzjuan who obviously knows she is far too beautiful to have been booted this early, and Devin who I suspect is a Type 3 Enneagram like me per these sad remarks: "It's hard when you didn't make the impression that you wanted to and you walk out not feeling your best … I just want to be okay with it."

Yes girl, build those walls up! Of course, the sounds of the women who beat her shuffling outside to coo in the broad daylight about their beautiful new home while Devin stands in the driveway crying will likely not fast fade from her mind…

But I hope she watches the "This Season On" and takes some solace in the fact that she is dodging both an emotional burden, and the possibility of all 240 pounds of Colton falling on her once he makes it over that damn fence.


Alright my TATBT babies, please do respond directly to this letter with all of your thoughts from the three-hour Bachelor premiere, and I'll see you back here next week, during which time, Colton will have taken 12,000 soap-less showers.

(Images: ABC)