A Bachelorette Bio Breakdown: Doctors, Lawyers, Engineers, Oh My!
There's a lot we don't know about this season, but if there's one thing we do know, it's the DJ dreams and SoulCycle aspirations of our 31 brotestants
How…does one return to Bachelor nation, when one has spent the entire eight month hiatus contemplating whether it was safe to leave one’s house, instead of deciphering the syntactical difference between “falling for you” and “falling in love with you”?
How, after the last Bachelor season finale escorted us into a national pandemic that we still haven’t emerged from, does one begin analyzing what’s too aggressive versus what’s just assertive enough on a date where one woman and 12 men learn how to make jam in order to determine who will make the best father, or whatever? How, after the nation has been thrust into a revolution for racial equality, and life as we once knew it hangs in the balance of an election that will (probably) take place about the time Clare is making a break for it into the desert with her brotestant of choice, and Bachelorette producers are smuggling Tayshia into Palm Springs in their weekly delivery truck full of large candles and pedestals…
Could the return of The Bachelorette possibly be worthy of our attention?
Well, of course it isn’t really. But if there’s one thing The Bachelorette, and its rotten big brother The Bachelor, and its gorgeous trashcan of a cousin Bachelor in Paradise are good for, it’s a distraction so all-consuming that suddenly you find yourself looking at the tagged Instagram photos of someone named Zakk M. to see if they really had a COVID-positive girlfriend when they flew out to Palm Springs.
And right now, that kind of distraction is the currency of sanity.
Whereas watching The Bachelor(ette) normally makes me feel like I slipped into a coma for 20 years, and in that time, everyone got the same cheekbones and changed the spelling of Matt to only three letters—at this exact moment, I feel like tonight’s Bachelorette premiere is precisely the only thing that can make me feel normal. I need to watch a man get out of a limo in a hotdog costume and tell Clare that he hopes she’ll choose him as her wiener. I need to develop a bone-deep hatred for someone named Jack Louis who tells Clare that he doesn’t normally go for older women, but he’d like to Missus her Robinson…
Which brings me to think I’m most excited about come October 13th at 8 p.m. Eastern on ABC:
I’ve been away from TATBT for awhile, trying to maintain my grip on reality while cohabitating with a pod made up exclusively of three dying house plants and 100 pairs of leggings…so I apologize that I’ve yet to extend a proper welcome to our new Bachelorette. By the time I was able to get excited about Clare, there were rumors swirling that she would soon be replaced by fair Tayshia, and then came of the news of @MattJames919 becoming our new Bachelor, and on and on the distractions grew, along with my fear that people would forget that — for no matter how long we ultimately have her — Clare Crawley is a gift to this franchise.
Clare is so much more than just perfectly edited conversations with raccoons, and remaining unwed over the age of 30 without collapsing into a pile of dust.
Clare is a nightmare dressed like a Sacramento hairstylist dream, and let me be clear: I love her for this. I mean, I fear Clare; I don’t know how to deal with people who don’t prioritize having fun over pretty much everything else, and Clare is not interested in fun. She never has been. Clare doesn’t look for a good time, she doesn’t even looking for a long time—Clare is searching for a serious, substantial, permanent kind of time.
I mean, this is a woman who got out of the limo on Juan Pablo’s season with a fake pregnant belly under her gown. Clare spent her entire first season on The Bachelor threatening to produce a DVD that her recently deceased father made for her future husband. That she never showed the DVD to Juan Pablo is the most restraint she’s ever shown on this franchise, and also the most relieved I’ve ever been while watching this franchise
That’s the thing about our new Bachelorette though: she’s not afraid to look insane. And that makes her motives pretty credible — wild as they may be, she wears them all over her bedazzled sleeve.
Yes, Clare absolutely eviscerated Juan Pablo after he led her on, slut shamed her on national television, and then broke up with her with no warning. But before that, she really did love him. And yes, Clare did break a delicate French Canadian man named Benoit’s heart on Bachelor Winter Games by letting her eye wander to a German man named Christian who was a real stickler for aquatic plans, only to then chase Benoit back to Canada, regain his trust, get engaged to him on After the Final Rose, and then immediately break off said engagement, all in a matter of months. But she really did love him, I believe that.
Clare is laser-focused on falling in love and she’s great at it. Which is, y’know, the main downfall of people who really want to find a partner — sometimes they become convinced they’ve found that partner a little too easily. Clare may love quickly, but she also doesn’t tolerate fools, and one out of two isn’t bad, especially on a franchise chock full’a fools.
For precisely all these reasons, Clare is a Bachelor producer’s wettest dream and worst nightmare all rolled into one, and maybe they even anticipated that her no-holds-barred approach to love could create an interesting twist here and there. But I am only as ignorant as ABC makes me, which right now, is very ignorant since they made it incredibly obvious when they brought Tayshia onboard as a midseason replacement, but still won’t advertise her part of the season.
So while I will eventually be excited for Tayshia, for now I wait on pins and needles only for Clare. Oh, and one other thing:
This might be the greatest group of brotestants we’ve ever had. They are hot, they are interesting, and they are all COVID-negative. I mean, these men are eligible — as a group, they have J-O-B jobs. We’re talking anesthesiologists, we’re talking wildlife managers, we’re talking aeronautical engineers, and we’re talking multiple attorneys.
Suddenly, it’s no wonder Claire may or may not have gotten engaged in 12 days. These men were on a time crunch. It’s hard to focus on dating someone day-in and day-out when, in the back of your mind, you’re worrying about getting back to building space ships and taking care of baby bears and stuff. [Ed. Note: For those who have enjoyed TATBT Fat Bear Week coverage in the past, I wrote about FBW on The Ringer this year—check it out! The bears are fatter than ever!]
So, without further ado, it’s time to… MAKE WILD ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT 15 BROTESTANTS’ CHARACTER BASED SOLELY ON ONE PHOTO AND A HANDFUL OF SENTENCES WRITTEN BY A PRODUCTION INTERN WITH ACCESS TO A QUESTIONAIRE THEY FILLED OUT WHILE HOPPED UP ON MID-SHELF WHISKEY AND WITH A COVID TEST SHOVED HALFWAY TO THEIR BRAIN, SELECTED AT RANDOM, AND IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER:
BEN, 29: Army Ranger Veteran from Venice, CA
Ben went to West Point, he’s a past Army Ranger, present personal trainer and future Instagram influencer, and he likes to write love letters. Everything is good-to-go on Ben, right up until his very last bullet point where he says that his “favorite indulgence is an ice bath.” Which either means that Ben doesn’t know what the word “indulgence” means (excusable), or that he’s a masochist (inexcusable, except on Bachelor in Paradise, where it is, in fact, a requirement).
Listen, Ben, you’re very cute, and I want to like you. But you can’t say that ice baths are your favorite indulgence, no matter how many abs you have. I take cold dips at the spa too, but I also understand that ice baths are not actually pleasurable. They’re a very specific form of torture that’s being sold to us as a health and wellness practice — y’know, like kale salads or microdermabrasion or the idea that you could get a restful night sleep after falling asleep to the voice of Harry Styles.
Indulging, Ben, is getting in your car on a Friday night and making three stops—burger from Five Guys, lemonade from Chick-fil-A, milkshake from Cook-Out—and taking it all back to your house to consume with the curtains drawn and Great British Bake Off playing until you fall into coma, and Netflix finally calls it a wrap for you. Indulgence is spending $15 on a cocktail you could make at home, but at home you don’t have a hipster in leather suspenders winking when he puts the Old Fashioned with candied orange zest and artisanal bitters (or whatever) in front of you.
Indulgence is not an ice bath, Ben—indulgence is a single-use kitchen appliance taking up 60 percent of your counterspace so that you can have Sonic ice in all of your drinks, and all of your ice baths.
BRENDAN, 30: Commercial Roofer from Milford, MA
The roof of my house was recently re-shingled, and let me tell you what, Brendan was not the one whose pounding was waking me up at the crack of 9 a.m. every morning. I may have been more amenable to that. Chris says that Brendan’s family is from Portugal but he grew up in Boston, giving him a very unique accent. And between all those dynamics, and the roofing, and the bone structure, I’m just gonna say it—I’m getting Tyler C vibes.
I know those are fighting words; I know Tyler C has been flushing our cheeks and flooding our basements since proving himself to be a sexy woke prince on Hannah’s season. But Brendan is also described as “a sensitive soul who’s ready to share his life with a special woman,” he coaches his high school’s basketball team, his signature look is a turtleneck, and I think if he plays his cards right, his best friend could become Bachelor some day too!
(For the record, there is an actual Tyler C in this cast, whose bio is fairly nondescript, and whom Chris Harrison describes as “our version of the Lincoln Lawyer,” and then absolutely never explains what he’s talking about.)
CHASEN, 31: IT Account Executive from San Diego, CA
We’re all seeing it, right? We’re seeing that Chasen looks like John B from Outer Banks, if John B were actually styled to look like the 30-year-old actor who plays him instead of styled to look like a 16-year-old who could conceivably be running away from Child Protective Services instead of much more conceivably, running away from contributing more funds to his 401K? (And we’ve all SEEN Outer Banks, right? The show on Netflix where the sexy treasure-hunting teens hop on a ferry to take a day trip from the Outer Banks to Chapel Hill? Okay, great — then we’re all on the same page!)
The only other thing that you need to know about Chasen is that he says his friends call him Wolverine “because he recovers and heals quickly,” which I find extremely suspect. Do any of your friends have nuanced nicknames rooted in their emotional resiliency? No! Nicknames come one of three ways: something you did when you were drunk in college, rhyming your name with a dirty word, or something so nonsensical that you can’t even remember how it started in the first place, it’s just canon at this point [ed. note: here’s looking at you, CrabbyCakes].
I’ve got my eye on you, Chasen—and so do the CPS agents of North Carolina if you don’t provide proof of a guardian soon!
EAZY, 29: Sports Marketing Agent from Newport Beach, CA
Eazy, however, is a nickname I can get behind: no explanation necessary, befitting of the handsome gentleman I see before me, and topped off with a cazual ‘Z’. I love it! Chris Harrison also loves Eazy, stating that “Eazy gives good face.” In the grand tradition of Olivia and Mykenna, it seems we have the first ever male gif-generator headed our way…
This season really is breaking the mold. Eazy says his dream is to one day own the Yankees, and you know what, I believe that is achievable legacy for he and Clare. If only it weren’t for…
DALE, 31: Former Pro Football Wide Receiver from Brandon, SD
Like Eazy, Dale is a former NFL practice squad-er. But unlike Eazy, or anyone else in the cast, I spotted Dale in a Lululemon ad the other day because Dale has the A-lister head circumference of Ben Affleck, and looks like someone face-merged the entire cast of Best Man Holiday. I mean, the man is gorgeous. Dale says he’s looking for “an independent woman with strong convictions … who won’t be turned off by his intensity.”
Clare and her convictions are most certainly Built Ford Tough, and she is consistently the opposite of turned off by intensity. This is a woman who still considered dating Christian on Bachelor Winter Games, even after he was nearly torn asunder by her missing a “hot tub appointment” (not a euphemism!) that she didn’t realize was contractually binding.
So, needless to say, there is a rumor floating around (more like charging around bull-in-a-china-shop style) about the speed with which Clare develops feelings for Dale. And honestly, I get it. I just know his [voice is deep]—I just know it.
BENNETT, 36: Wealth Management Consultant from New York City
Ahem, Bennett is…lying about his age, no? I’m not saying that Bennet looks older than 36, necessarily. I’m just saying that, spiritually, this is the face of a seasoned Sears catalogue model. This is the face of a dad who lightly hits on you while rifling for cash to pay you for babysitting, and you’re old enough to know he’s hot, but too young to know that the grossness negates the hotness.
Also, I obviously am saying that Bennet looks older than 36, and I don’t feel bad about it because in his own breakdown of the brotestants, Chris Harrison pretty much confirms that Bennet is a terror, saying he’s “never met a pair of khakis he didn’t like.” Which is really rough for Bennet, but probably the funniest thing Chris Harrison has ever said, and I’m really proud of him!
Oh, and one last thing on Bennet: in his bio, Bennet says that at Harvard, he “joined one of those fancy Finals Clubs that everyone learned about from watching The Social Network.”
Hey, Bennet? How’s about you don’t tell me where I learned about your stupid ivy league social clubs, and I won’t tell you that it was, in fact, from a combination of The Skulls, starring Joshua Jackson and Paul Walker, may he rest in peace, and A Beautiful Mind — both released a full decade before Zuckerberg’s villain origin story. Okay, pal?
I do not care for Bennett.
BLAKE MONAR, 31: Male Grooming Specialist from Phoenix, AZ
Blake Monar, however, I like! I like that he has to go by his full name because there are two Blake M’s on this season. I like his giant hair, and his giant smile, and the wild fact that after a “debilitating neuromuscular injury,” Blake moved on from playing major league baseball to starting a cosmetics company in Phoenix, Arizona, apparently the Silicon Valley of beard oils.
But why then, are we not calling Blake a cosmetics entrepreneur? Why are we calling him a Male Grooming Specialist? There’s just… only so many things you typically groom on a male body, so at some point, the mind really starts to wander. I don’t see the terror of what I imagine a Male Grooming Specialist would have to endure in Blake’s lovely eyes… but we’ll just have to wait and see.
DEMAR, 26: Spin Cycling Instructor from Scottsdale, AZ
Chris Harrison loves Demar. It sounds like Chris Harrison wants nothing more than to participate in a Fantasy Football league with Demar that hosts an extravagant in-person draft so that he has a guarantee of getting to hang out with Demar at least once a year. And, by all accounts, I’m expecting to love Demar too…
Still, Demar’s bio has, perhaps, the single funniest line in it of all 31 brotestant bios:
“The one non-negotiable in Demar’s life is his passion for spin.”
Listen, I recognize that instructing spin is Demar’s career, and it’s perfectly reasonable that he would be passionate about that. However, this statement is untethering to me for two reasons:
Who does Demar think is going to try to make him negotiate on his spinning practices? He’s the most popular spin instructor in Scottsdale who can “get on that bike and spin to any beat thrown his way.” No one is going to want to mess with that!
And the next thing is: Demar, shoot higher, babe! You’re the hottest spin instructor in Scottsdale—there are so many other things you shouldn’t have to negotiate on. I have, like, 30 nonnegotiables before I’ll even swipe right on a dating app, including but not limited to: is he holding a fish, does it look like I could comfortably sit in his lap for more than 12 seconds, does he project his desire for me to know that he’s 6’2 onto innocent little me via some iteration of “6’2 because y’all seem to care about that haha.” Et cetera.
It seems like Demar could stick around for awhile, so I sure hope he’s not asked to negotiate on his one and only nonnegotiable.
GARIN, 34: Professor of Journalism from North Hollywood, CA
I just don’t know how I feel about learned teachers, such a professor of journalism at the University of Southern California, participating in reality television shows that aren’t Jeopardy. And, if you can believe it, we’re currently dealing with this exact same predicament on The Real Housewives of Potomac as well.
Of course I cherish the academic lens that a Garin, or a Dr. Wendy of Potomac can bring to my favorite trash programming. But when listening to them use three syllable words, I can’t help but wonder—at what cost? Can you ever really trust a professor again once you’ve seen them participate in a group date where they have to put on an inflatable Sumo suit and wrestle their co-boyfriends?
And y’know, maybe I could just be optimistic and say that plenty of people go on this show and make a fine impression. But then I have a little Facebook fly in my ear by the name of Chris Buzz Harrison, saying, “Garin is not afraid to bare his soul—and everything else.” Dammit Chris! Dammit Garin! Your students don’t need to be thinking about your nude body when they’re learning The Associated Press Stylebook, or whatever it is that people learn in journalism school that I’ll never know, and will just have to keep googling: “what does copyfitting mean, and also what’s a dek, and also how do you legally source photos, help me, I’m a blogger.”
Oh well, best of luck not embarrassing yourself or your institution Garin, you do seem fun.
IVAN, 28: Aeronautical Engineer from Dallas, TX
Chris Harrison says that Ivan’s nickname around the house is “Sweet Ivan,” which I love. I love sweet men; especially hot sweet men who have every reason to not have a personality at all, let alone a sweet one. And then—and then!—we find out in Ivan’s bio that he builds jets for the U.S. military. If Clare is going to disappear into the desert with a beefcake, and Tayshia is going to sweep in and take over the role of Bachelorette, and if she is going to be dating the same group of men…
Then I would very much like for her to marry a nice, hot aeronautical engineer from Texas who describes himself as a “recovered Croc enthusiast.” Very, very much.
JOE, 36: Anesthesiologist from New York City
Joe has a lot going for him. He’s a clean-cut doctor who also boldly wears a necklace. He is really filling out that dusty pink shirt in the Chris Harrison video. He does triathlons and loves to travel. And most importantly…
Joe’s got those COVID antibodies, babyyyyy! Dr. Joe has spent most of 2020 fighting coronavirus on the front lines in New York City, which involved actually contracting it, and thankfully, recovering. And now he deserves a nice long break in the peak heat of Palm Springs, sharing a girlfriend with 31 other men.
KENNY, 39: Boy Band Manager from Chicago, IL
If you thought Kenny’s job title was one of these classic Bachelor(ette) switcheroos where the editors choose to label someone a “Dog Lover,” but she’s really just a marketing manager who happens to have an Instagram for her dog…
Kenny is the rare case where the job is even weirder than the title. Even though Chris Harrison explains that there are “still boy bands, and they still need managers,” and even though Kenny’s bio is riddled with NSYNC puns, the actual description of Kenny’s job reads: “Kenny is a talent buyer in Chicago, where he creates and manages boy band cover bands.”
So, Kenny doesn’t actually create boybands, which everyone knows happens in exclusively in Orlando, Florida. Kenny manages boy band cover bands, leading me to about 100 questions, the foremost of which is: are these boy band cover bands made up of boys or men? Surely there aren’t boys who would want to be in a boy band cover band when they could just be in an actual boyband?
In which case, is there a grown man somewhere in Chicago doing an impression of a 17-year-old Justin Timberlake with ramen noodle hair? Because I don’t like that at all, Kenny. And I’d also love a little more detail on how Kenny’s been “putting his career before his relationships” for so long. How many boy band cover bands are there to manage in Chicago, Illinois???
YOSEF, 30: Medical Device Salesman from Daphne, AL
I’m very upset. You can’t tell it quite as much in his club promotor headshot here, but it is clear in the Chris Harrison’s video that Yosef is a stone-cold fox.
But it is also clear from Chris huffing and puffing his way through describing Yosef as “not shying away from controversy” and “having zero filter” that Yosef is going to turn into a nightmare faster than you can say “boy band cover band.” And if Yosef is going to yell at Clare, no matter what kind of shit Clare has pulled—and, oh, Clare will be pulling some shit—I’m simply not going to be able to tolerate it.
But the best thing about Clare—and the bad news for Yosef (y’know, if my interpretation of Chris Harrison’s huffs is correct, which it almost always is)—is that she won’t tolerate it either.
MIKE, 38: Digital Media Adviser from Calgary, Alberta, Canada
Let’s end with Mike who I’ve fallen into a deep, emotional love with for three reasons: he has the rugged good looks of an HGTV carpenter, the innate kindness of a Canadian, and a close personal relationship with Hoda Kotb, which is an honor that simply cannot be topped.
Apparently, at the 2018 Wintery Olympics — while Clare was missing hot tub appointments and getting engaged to French Canadians — this Canadian was making a funny video of himself frowning in front of the Today Show anchors as they cheered on an American hockey win. When it went viral, Hoda and Al Roker invited Mike on the Today Show, where they also proceeded to fall into a deep, emotional love with him.
And if Mike is good enough for Hoda and Al, then he’s… way out of my league. So, yes, I shall be sliding into his DMs with wild abandon.
And with that, we must turn our eyes toward the unprecedented Tuesday timeslot our fair Bachelorette now inhabits, and what really is starting to feel like an unprecedented season of getting competitively engaged. I’ll see you back here for an in-depth recap of Clare’s Bachelorette premiere, where we will count how many times her age is mentioned, and decide who she’s most likely to unhinge her jaw and swallow whole like a python. Yay!
