A Brief Bachelorette Bio Breakdown: Don't Call It a Comeback

The Bachelorette is back, and SO AM I! Apparently.

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This might be the most unprepared I have ever been for a Bachelorette season. And it's not just because every friend I have decided to get married this spring (congrats y'all, I hope your marriages hold one million helicopter rides, the only true barometer for love!).

Nor is it because every series I write about decided to air at the same time (if you are interested in Killing Eve, The Twilight Zone, The Real Housewives of New York, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, The Amazing Race, or The Blacklist, you can read me writing about those on The Internet right very now!). It's not even that I recently moved into a North Carolina house with a New York City amount of furniture…

No, it's mostly because I am extremely nervous about Hannah B being the Bachelorette.

Oh, for us at home, it's going to be great. Hannah is a total mess; like a gorgeous Michael Scott, incapable of walking because her feet are so ever-presently placed inside of her giant mouth.

I believe that behind Hannah B's clench-jawed smile resides a deep, deep well of anger, and for that, I am excited.

Emotions that are not "happy," "sad," or "helicopter" always bring a more interesting dynamic to the Bachelor franchise, and that inability to control her emotions despite a desperate desire to do so guarantees for a wild season. You might recall a recent Bachelor who was also a little clueless about his own needs and desires, until they overwhelmed him so completely that young man packed himself a little bandana on a stick, did a couple glute stretches, and stone-cold jumped a fence trying to run away from his responsibility of being the Bachelor.

That was an incredible moment, and as opposed to Colton’s fight-or-flight choice, Hannah B gets a real "Dracarys" look in her eye sometimes, if ya know what I'm saying

I have no fears of a boring season with Hannah B, but I also believe that her having to take charge of a notoriously awkward and stressful situation will create a nonstop cloud of second-hand embarrassment, something I deal with about as well as Hannah deals with expressing her feelings about love without sounding like a glass of sweet tea giving a reading from Chicken Soup for the Christian Teenage Soul.

Hannah WILL NOT give herself away to anyone who doesn't choose her every day, y'all — and I WILL have to stop and start this Bachelorette premiere more times than Chris Harrison looks at himself in a mirror, points his beautifully botoxed finger guns, and says, You're the man, Chris in a two-hour period. That's 122 times, people!

And when I am that nervous about something, I tend to just ignore it. For that very reason, I have a pile of extremely important mail that has gone untouched for weeks in my brand new North Carolina credenza drawer, and I had no idea that Hannah's season of The Bachelorette was premiering tonight.

But I am committed to challenging myself, which means I'm going watch this nightmare premiere, I'm going to write about it, and I'm going to, ahem, file the shit I need to file in order to keep my health insurance. AND EVEN CRAZIER—I'm going to bust out the annual Bachelorette Bio breakdown one hour before the premiere without writing an entire chapter book based on wild assumption, unfounded accusation, and uncomfortable personal confession about each and every bro named Skyler.

No, these will be tweet-length bro-ographies, picked at random, and based entirely on my personal attraction to their jaw line (we've got some surprises, folks — Lady Lust is a fickle mistress!).

Mostly, it’s just to get it on your radar that I'll be recapping The Bachelorette this season, and to beg you to read along with me so that my burden of embarrassment might be easier to bear. If you'd like to hear more about how I self-flagellate with this series, plus my final thoughts on Colton's season, I'd love for you to listen to my chat on the Bachelor Blab podcast with Jackie Maroney

Available wherever podcasts are found, and whenever you have 43 minutes to listen to me go extremely inside baseball on a gameshow about who can fall in love the fastest. And now, without further ado…

JED is a singer/songwriter, so I hope you’re ready for triggering flashbacks to the Guy With Guitar you spent a shameful amount of time pining for freshman year asking if you know what “Crash Into Me” is about.

BRIAN is a math teacher, which is weirdly hot, but Brian also says he’s a “pun and sarcasm enthusiast,” which is kind of like the opposite of an orgasm.

HUNTER still lives at home with his parents, which at 24, is not that abnormal, and I respect him for admitting it. How do we think they’re going to spin Hannah’s status as a jobless person from Alabama into being a highly eligible bachelorette?

If CHASEN doesn’t make a “chosen” pun immediately upon meeting Hannah B, I will personally hunt him down and cut all the collars off his blazers—that is, if pun-thusiast Brian doesn’t get to him first.

DARON is nationally ranked champion in Guitar Hero which is so much cooler than actually playing the guitar, I truly hope Hannah considers showing the world to him in the Fantasy Suite.

I don’t know how TYLER C scored this yo-pro modeling shot when it looks like the photographer told every other dude to look directly into the camera and try to make the Chewbacca noise but methinks Hannah is going to like what he’s working with.

DYLAN is the co-founder of a startup tech fitness company that allows people to work out while donating food to those in need — a job that a robot made up, but a job none the less.

JOE is “in the cardboard box business” which is a job that a rotary phone made up.

DUSTIN talks about his mom a lot in his bio, but he also has an English bulldog named Sophia and I’ve dealt a lot worse for a lot less to get my hands on a chubby dog with a people name.

JOHN PAUL JONES rarely uses words that are less than three syllables long. John Paul Jones's favorite drink is Champagne. When referring to John Paul Jones, always use his full name: John Paul Jones.” My disdain for John Paul Jones has come so full-circle that it has turned into a searing attraction that will not be quenched until I make him Mr. John Paul Jones Walker.

GRANT is unemployed and has the nerve to tell me that he “doesn’t want to hear about [my] CrossFit workout plan or recent Instagram post.” Oh, I’m sorry Grant, but my most recent Instagram post was fire, just like my slammin’ bod from all those box jumps I’ve been doing, and you’re gonna hear about them, because you literally HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO DO!!!

Okay, but LUKE P did just tell me about his Paleo diet and I’ve never even met him. However, unlike Grant, I am not a jerk so I listened politely while Googling “how much bacon is too much bacon?”

Hello, yes, CONNOR S is the most Dallas-y hunk Dallas has ever Dallas’d and I would like to make out with his face, so I’m sure Alabama Hannah will too.

JONATHAN says that he loves to go out, “but what he really enjoys is the process of getting ready,” which is maybe the weirdest thing someone could say, and like, hard same. I would just like to get ready for a Saturday night, and then everyone I know come look at me in my house for a while, and then I watch 30 episodes of Shark Tank.

In the Bachelorette world, not having a jaw the shape of a flat screen television is tantamount to having anything but long beachy waves in the Bachelor world, and I respect PETER for trying.

MIKE is “an Air Force vet who enjoys Krav Maga and going to trampoline parks” which is already more interesting things than we’ve known about the last three Bachelors combined, so I’d love to offer him a one-way ticket to Bachelor In Paradise, and/or, my DMs.

MATT’S brother and parents are deaf, so he grew up speaking sign language, which leads the Bachelor interns to say in his bio, “We love a man that can communicate what he's thinking with his hands without ever saying a word,” creating the insane implication that the Bachelor interns think American Sign Language is just…finger-banging?

And with that, we must be done here, folks. Tune back into TATBT for a recap of The Bachelorette premiere just as soon as I stop anxiety sweating from thinking about Hannah B’s first toast. Here’s to trying new things, not going into any anger rage black outs, and being ready to get competitively engaged at the age of 24 — CHEERS!