A TATBT 'Bachelor' recap: Do I Contradict Myself?

We're going full Chidi Anagonye up in here...

It is possible for two contradictory truths to exist at once. It is possible for Person A to perceive Person B as deceitful and manipulative while Person B perceives herself to be the persecuted protagonist on a hero's journey to win the heart of a semi-conscious butter sculpture.

It is further possible for Person B to simultaneously believe Person A to be the deceitful and manipulative one, while Person A believes herself to be the Britney Spears of this coming of age story—she's not a girlfriend, not yet a wife. It is well within the realm of possibility that both Person A and Person B are both lying and being lied about, and Person C will never be able to sort it out because Person C breaks into hives every time he has to choose between onion rings or fries (he always chooses fries because he does not know how to give himself good things).

Are you still with me? Good. Then we're all on the same page that this season of The Bachelor is turning into an exercise in Dialetheism: the view that there exist true statements, whose negation is also true. Above, when I say Person A, I am of course referring to Miss Alabama 2018, and when I say Person B, I mean Miss North Carolina 2018. In this week’s Bachelor installment, both Hannah B and Caelynn exhort Colton to believe that the other is a duplicitous, lying she-monster, while simultaneously insisting that they are not the liar that other liar lied about them being. Still with me?

GOOD! Because while the truth likely lies somewhere in between, our fear-filled leader Colton refuses to ask for specifics examples of why Hannah and Caelynn believe one another to be the worst thing to happen to pageants since Candice Burgen tried to blow up Miss Rhode Island. So since we have no way of knowing what happened between Alabama Hannah and North Carolina Caelynn, our best and only option is to believe all of their contradicting statements to be true.

The problem with moving forward with all these contradictions is, of course, that Colton is a thirsty bitch who lives for drama. He feels as though he needs to get to the bottom of this feud between Hannah B and Caelynn before he can move on, while possessing exactly zero percent of the mental and emotional aptitude to do so. Colton’s point-of-view is that it’s necessary to sort out the truth in this argument that has nothing to do with him.

So using the intel we’ve witnessed (and ignoring Colton, who seems to believe that he had a really swell date with Hannah B that time that she almost choked him out for giving the first toast): one would assume that it's Hannah who is the liar. Mostly because she seems about one misplaced lip-liner away from losing her grip on reality and is certainly much more outwardly invested in Caelynn’s demise than Caelynn seems to be in hers. Also, because:

But then again, when you try to imagine Hannah unclenching her jaw from that Purge-mask smile long enough to successfully manipulate or deceive anyone to the point of offense…it's kind of like trying to imagine Chris Harrison offering an innocent bystander refuge in his mansion during a Birdbox-style apocalypse: it could certainly only happen by accident.

Which might lead one to conclude that Caelynn — confident, well-spoken, gregarious but guarded — could be a real champ of a manipulator if she wanted to be. But there's the small problem that she’s not the one who brought up the fallout with Hannah in the first place…

Of course, I’m just spit-balling here. I’m perfectly happy living in a world where both of these women are liars who are being lied about. But you can see how a sentient G.I. Joe but without all the patriotism could get confused when trying to pick a side to believe. Thus…

Dialetheism. It's not a formal system of logic, but it’s a philosophy we must adopt in order to be able to stomach The Bachelor. It's how I can roll around in this Miss USA drama like a pig in slop, but also become enraged when I realize Bri and Catherine were given the boot without ever hearing another peep from the reigning queen of the limo-intro scam, nor finding out what the hell happened to Lucy the geriatric dog after the first night. And that's to say nothing of Nina, the Croatian wartime refugee who we just…never learned a single thing about.

I want to hear from Nina… and I don't want to lose a single minute of Hannah B and Caelynn trying to throw each other under the bus without using a single anecdotal detail… and most importantly, I want The Bachelor to be one hour and forty-five minutes shorter than it currently is, and preferably dispensed to me through, like, three Instagram story installments…

All of these contradictory statements are true, and I cherish them each as equally as I cherish each and every scene where Demi stares dead-eyed into another young woman's soul and tells her she doesn't care what she thinks.

Indeed, The Bachelor is a no man's land for logic, but there remain a few steadfast rules for which there can never be any contradictions:

  1. Don't talk shit-talk another contestant to the Bachelor.

  2. Have some shit to talk about to the Bachelor.

  3. And since, like Dua Lipa, I am a teen sensation who loves a track pant, I'm going to add one new Bachelor rule: Always have at least two former Miss USA contestants on The Bachelor until the end of time, or the end of the franchise, whichever comes first.

Both of the first two rules were broken in the most flagrant of ways in Monday's episode, and I cannot wait to tell you about it.

PIRATE CODE > GIRL CODE

Of course, the best thing about Caelynn and Hannah B's feud is that it's so all-consuming, Colton's virginity is not mentioned a single time during this episode. Really! Well then, what is this shell of a Stretch Armstrong doll left to claim as his personality, Jodi??? you might ask me (rudely).

Colton is a pirate now! Yes, he's taken to the seas. He's plundering, he's pillaging, and he's developed quite the edgy alter-ego.

Inexplicably, Colton takes Katie, Heather B, Courtney, Kirpa, Tacy, Demi, and Caelynn to a knockoff Medieval Times called “Pirate’s Dinner Adventure” for their group date. Instead of knight jousting, there's Colton in a Party City pirate costume, teaching very small women how to knock each other over with sticks.

The best at hitting people with sticks is Hannah B. The other women seem to be timid about physically hitting their new roommates with sticks, but Hannah B has no problem going straight for the knee-sweep. As you may recall re: the origin of her broken relationship to Caelynn…

The wildest thing about this battle between Hannah and Caelynn is that had a real relationship outside of The Bachelor universe before coming on the same season. I don't think that's ever happened on this show before.

In a season full of 23-year-olds, Colton's girlfriends are averaging about three confrontations an episode, but whereas a fuss between Demi and Tracy, or Demi and Courtney, or Demi and a potted plant burns fast and bright… Hannah B and Caelynn have been crafting their slow-burn narrative since before Colton ever even crossed paths with Becca…

And we are lucky enough to bear witness to the explosive payoff of that careful constructed pyre.

Truly, we are watching the fourth season of True Detective unfold before our very eyes, folks. We are, of course, the savant detective; Colton is our inept "everyman" partner who's not even sharp enough to know he's betraying us, guaranteed to come groveling back in exactly 10 years, with a new wig to indicate that time has passed; and yes, that does mean Caelynn and Hannah B are co-yellow-kings.

[Ed. Note: Hey, I'm recapping True Detective season 3 over at Decider — it is very different than this, but also the same. More dialetheism, bitch!]

So Hannah starts happily wailing on people with her American Gladiators sticks, including Caelynn, who just sacrifices herself to the mat, claiming to "know how strong Hannah is" as she jumps into Colton's arms (a tick in the "subtle manipulator" box, I’d say). And yet, when it's time for the top two pirates to compete — honestly, what is happening here??? — Caelynn and Tracy are named.

"It's not easy to see Caelynn moving forward with Colton, and I'm starting to spiral," Hannah says with her signature unnerving emotional honesty. "But if Colton knew the truth about Caelynn and who she really is, I think he'd feel differently."

Oh, Hannah…baby, no. Don’t you know that the number one rule of The Bachelor is?!

Don’t talk shit about another contestant to The Bachelor.

You have nothing to gain from it and everything to lose! Even if it's the other person who is the trouble-maker, it makes you seem like you're the one who can't handle other women. And any martyr talk of doing it for the sake of the other women, or for the sake of the Bachelor, is clown talk, bro. There is only one thing that motivates telling the Bachelor that another woman is a problem: ego.

And there is only one thing that kills an ego faster: realizing the Bachelor likes the girl you hate more than he likes you.

THEY WERE ROOMMATES, FOR GOODNESS’ SAKE!

Hannah thought she'd just flash that mouth full of gleaming white TicTacs at her boyfriend of one (awkward) date, make some vague allusions toward not liking Caelynn, and that would be that. But she doesn't realize that when Colton looks at Caelynn he sees another set of beautiful TicTacs who is much easier to talk to and with whom he's been exchanging regular makeouts for over a week.

But Hannah can't recognize that Colton won’t be happy to simply take her word for it. She is blinded by rage when she sees Caelynn winning Colton over. Or as she puts it:

Not to mention, Hannah has chosen 22-year-old Never-Been-Kissed Heather as her confidante in this drama. And Heather is a very bad friend.

To be fair—they've known each other for a week. Heather doesn’t owe it to Hannah to be a good friend, but she could only be trying to stir up drama when she tells Hannah: "If you genuinely believe Caelynn is wrong for him … you have to tell him."

But you don't, Hannah! You really don't!!!

And I truly cannot imagine what Hannah thought was going to happen by doing so, especially given the cryptic way she approaches it with Colton.

First, Hannah just, like, tells Colton that she and Caelynn were roommates at Miss USA. Then, apparently, "a few things happened," they had "a fallout, I guess you could say," and they hadn't spoken to each other again until they arrived at the mansion. If you can believe it, Colton has a few follow-up questions, mainly, "Is there something I should…know?"

To that, Hannah says it was "the most hostile environment" she's ever been in. Then she stares at Colton's face for a while, willing him to say, Oh, I didn't realize there was an altercation at the Miss USA 2018 pageant, I shall break ranks with Caelynn on the double! Instead, he says:

Hannah makes a face to suggest: all of the above. Colton waits. Hannah continues: "It's hard because, like, if that's what you want, you don't want me."

Oh, Hannah. Baby, NO. Up until this point, you had merely planted a poorly communicated seed of distrust in Colton's head. Now, you're giving the man an ultimatum for another woman he clearly really likes, after you’ve had one terrible date with him??? "It's like that?" Colton asks, incredulously, and it is the most animated he's been all season—this bitch truly lives for the drama, though he'll act like he hates it.

"So you feel like if I have feelings for you, I can't have feelings for her — because you feel like you guys are that different?" Colton asks, reasonably, about these two white women of the same age who both competed in the same beauty pageant, and are now both competing in the same love game show. Hannah weakly whispers that she's sorry, and Colton gives her exactly no reassurances that she's done the right thing in telling him. He is pissed that he not only has to think, but also got no juicy details.

Hannah hugs him. He says okay. She thinks he is going to kiss her. He does not.

It is awful. He has gone fully cold. But Colton bests even himself in the Petty Olympic when he just drops Hannah's hand as they walk off — she assumes back toward the group, together — and makes a solo sharp left turn without even telling her bye.

Colton immediately takes Caelynn to the side and tells her that he was just told that she is such a hostile person, Hannah B had to end their friendship.

Caelynn stays…very still while receiving information. The kind of still where you might consider that, even if you marry this person, you could never fully understand what they're thinking. And that is fine—emotional vulnerability can be measured as far as I’m concerned. But judging by later events in this episode, Colton's measure of vulnerability is just sharing the darkest shit about yourself immediately and deeming that “opening up.”

So I respect Caelynn staying true to her own style and telling Colton that she'd like to be completely open and honest, but there are certain things that were involved in the dissolution of her friendship with Hannah B — “traumatic experiences that, like, hurt me deeply” — that she has intentions of telling him about, but tonight isn't the right time.

There are two things that could account for Caelynn’s defense-free response to Hannah’s accusations: a masterclass in emotional control and mental clarity under pressure… or, a masterclass in manipulation, as I considered while Caelynn let out two gorgeous, glistening tears.

Or, of course, both things could be true :)

Either way, Caelynn wins. Colton—in an extremely bold move—walks back to the table where all the other women are sitting, including the one who just told him that he basically needed to choose between her and Caelynn, picks up the Group Date Rose, and takes it back to Caelynn.

DEMI—THE PEOPLE'S VAMP

While Caelynn is playing chess, Demi is playing checkers, and that is perfect because I don’t fucking know how to play chess. I both relish the promise of deeper and deeper emotional turmoil to come between the Miss USA feud, but also hate not knowing what really happened between them.

But Demi — Demi, I know.

Demi is thrilled with the pirate date because Demi is "a cut throat kinda chick." When Tracy is named one of the pirate finalists (wut???), Demi throws her turkey leg at the stage.

In the evening portion of the date, when Demi feels that Tracy is being condescending about knowing more than her, Demi coos back: "Well, I can't imagine if I were an older girl and I was surrounded by younger women, how uncomfortable I would feel … after all your experience and everything.” Tracy says that she doesn't want to argue, but Demi isn't having it: "You make passive aggressive comments that you think I'm not going to pick up on and I'm just gonna be like, 'Okay,' but I hear what you're saying to me."

And Demi is right. Tracy is attempting to unnerve Demi just the same as Demi is attempting to unnerve her, but she's doing a much worse job at it. "I feel so bad for you," Demi mutters, not looking at Tracy.

I didn't say she's a good person; she's just a bad person who knows she's bad, which is better than a bad person who thinks they're good.

Later, she takes Colton aside, blindfolds him, spanks him, and runs a mannequin hand down his torso toward his crotch, repeatedly asking him if he's nervous. He says yes every time!

Listen, the age-shaming and insistence on leading with sexuality in the face of complete disinterest are not exactly progressive twists on typical Bachelor villainy — but you have to appreciate her dedication to the cause. Demi is a demon with a Bratz Doll carcass stretched over her human form, yes, but in the spectrum of Bachelor nightmares before her, she is the best of the worst.  

When Courtney tries to express her frustration with Demi for interrupting her time with Colton too early, telling her she should be more aware of the way she presents herself to the other women, Demi is basically like: No. "None of these girls have the balls to maintain a problem with me."

That is just…an incredible flex. She's not saying the other women are wrong for being annoyed with her — she's just saying it doesn't matter.

THIRTY [ONE], FLIRTY, AND THRIVING

After falling in love with Elyse last week (against all odds given that she was born in the 80s), Colton asks her on the one-one-one this week. He takes her to a theme park in a helicopter, says they'll have it all to themselves, and then says he's mislead her —this is actually a group date.

I'm a fan of Elyse, for this face alone. She doesn't have the single most dynamic personality in the house, she doesn’t have the most interesting job or compelling story — but she seems settled into who she is and comfortable in letting Colton see that. Like, when Colton says it's a group date and she's like, "No thank you, I'll see myself out."

But it's just one of his claaaaaassic gaffs, and they're actually going to be hanging out with a bunch of kids.

Now, I'm sure some people would not think of babysitting 20 kids as a relaxing date, but I dunno… I think I would just be thankful to have something to do. You already know you're staring down the barrel of having to have deep, intimate conversation with Colton during the night portion of the date, so to have someone else to talk to, especially a chubby-cheeked little girl named Aritzve, seems ideal.

Also, this date begins to unveil just how rigid Colton is about sticking to a theme. Elyse’s date is about children, so Colton sits her down and explains, cue cards glaring in his eyes: "The cool thing about this date is this is very close to what I do."

Colton says his charity — the humbly named Colton Underwood Legacy Foundation — gets kids out of the hospital, which is not what he's said his charity did in the past. But he does seem truly good with the children, and you can tell he's actually enjoying them because he’s really letting his natural lisp fly… so I’m not going to go full Fyre Fest investigation on him.

In the nighttime portion of the date, however, the theme has shifted a bit. Colton wants to know why Elyse is the way she is.

Elyse says that she had something that really shifted her priorities in life, then tells a heartbreaking story about her sister finding out she had a cancerous tumor while pregnant. She chose to risk her own health in order to carry the baby to term, and passed away after the baby was born. "It changes everything," Elyse says. "It was so tough, but now we have a new little member of our family … it kind of turned darkness into goodness."

It is incredibly vulnerable moment from Elyse that I don't think she necessarily planned on divulging. And while the use of "obviously" when describing her sister’s choice to prioritize the baby's prenatal health over her own gave me pause, I still think we might be inching toward a greater future than I ever hoped to dream: Our first ever ginger Bachelorette.

Colton tells Elyse he has one more surprise, which is forcing her to dance on a platform in front of a bunch of strangers while a person named "Tenielle Arts" performs a song that is, frankly, kind of a bop from someone who sounds like a paint store. But also, it is 100 percent about hating being in love

THEY FUCKIN LOVE IT!!!

But where most women end these romantic dates saying that they could definitely see themselves marrying [insert Bachelor here], Elyse simply says they had a great time and there's "potential for a connection here." If she’s not going to be the next Bachelorette, someone at least give Elyse hot Peter-from-Rachel's-season's number when she inevitably blows this popsicle stand — she alone deserves him.

MY HANDS ARE STRONG, I KNOW, BUT THEY'RE NOT HANDS, THEY'RE EMOTIONAL RESOLVE

Tayisha, Nina, Catherine, Sydney, Onyeka, Cassie, Nicole, and Caitlin are invited on the next group date with a card that reads, "For every strong man, there is an even stronger woman."

Colton later explains of this date that involves working out with Terry Crews (!!!): "You don't have to be the fittest person to be my wife, but I'm gonna need someone who can be there for me. I'm gonna need someone who can be my rock." So basically, this season's idea of the ideal woman for Colton is… a virgin mother who wants and needs nothing from her partner except for him to need her (heavy conservative undertones are a plus).

It reminds me of this tweet, which is perfect.

This group date ultimately results in a Bachelor's Strongest Woman competition because Colton is going to stick to this "physical strength equals emotional strength" no matter fucking what. But none of that even matters (except Nicole saying she's not the most athletic person there, but she does walk her dog, which matters so much because it earned her the spot just below David from Schitt's Creek on the list of "TV people I relate to most")…

But that is all merely decoration around one of my favorite things that’s ever happened on this show.

I don't recall ever seeing Caitlin before. In a sea of blonde 23-year-olds, her hair is sandy blonde, and she is 25-years-old — so you’d think she would have stood out!

But no, Caitlin has been drafted into this episode specifically to spark joy in me, I'm sure of it.

Caitlin is geared up and highly motivated to make her time with Colton count during the evening portion of the group date because she feels like she’s gotten less time than most. So, color me shocked when Caitlin breaks The Bachelor's aforementioned second cardinal rule — yeah, the one I didn't even know we needed to say out loud:

Have some shit to talk about to The Bachelor.

Call me a sucker, but I've always assumed that these contestants talk about much more than just "the journey" and what they're looking for in a partner on these dates. I don't think they're talking about the right things to prepare for holy matrimony—spending habits, student debt, and which way they put the toilet paper on the roll—but I assume they're talking about their hobbies and aspirations, the Bachelor producers simply cut around it so we can what we all so crave from this franchise: tru luv.

But when Caitlin gets in front of Colton, she doesn't freeze or put her foot in her mouth—she just gives him nothing. She also keeps talking about their relationship in a very game-y way, suggesting that she either has watched the show too much and is way too in her head about the logistics of rising in the ranks on The Bachelor… or she’s never watched the show before, and doesn't know we're supposed to pretend this isn't a weird competition to fall in love the fastest…

"I feel like I've been slipping behind a little bit because we got sent home on the last group date," Caitlin says. Colton blinks; this sort of…straight-forward shallowness is not what he was expecting. Doesn’t Caitlin know that this is normally the time in the competition where we equate depth and openness with past traumas?

It seems she does know that, she simply doesn’t have any! When Colton gives his standard prompt for the week — "I really wanna figure out what makes you you” — Caitlin replies that she feels like "other girls have been progressing in that sense," but she's hasn't "had anything, like, happen in my like that's standing out right now that I wanna share with you."

Colton blinks. She doesn’t…have…anything that she wants to tell him???

I understand that Caitlin could have gotten caught up in the feeling that this is the time they're supposed to share something really emotional, and she just doesn't have anything really emotional to share. But this where the rule comes in: you have to be prepared to talk about something.

I love talking so much. I also love getting other people to talk. Frankly, other than hating the premise and the principals of everything that this show stands for, I'd make an incredible Bachelorette. That’s why I can never understand why it seems so hard for some of people to just have an entertaining ass conversation with a probably like-minded person. And the bar is so low! Earlier, we literally watched Colton fall in love with Katie because they like the same food.

Katie told him that she thought if they listed their top five favorite things, they would probably be the same because they have so much in common. Then they both rush to say, “SUSHI!” and smile and smile about how perfect they are for one another.

"See, did it!" Colton exclaims. "Sashimi," Katie states matter-of-factly.

And that is how you fall in love on The Bachelor.

So, Caitlin: talk about your boring favorite food! Colton will not find it boring or shallow because Colton is boring and shallow. It’s not a problem, it’s fine — you have that in common! You just have to talk about something.

Talk about your Enneagram type. All the work of "why you are the way you are" is done right there for you! Talk about if you're a bargain shopper or an impulse buyer. Talk about how you found friends as an adult [ed. note: that one is limited to the adults in the cast]. Talk about if you're an introvert or extrovert. Talk about your love language. Talk about your favorite movies, or your first memory, or what sends you down a YouTube rabbit hole the fastest, or weird traditions your college had, or the smell that makes you most nostalgic, or your favorite midcentury modern interior decorating Instagram, or fucking anything, Caitlin!!!

But I guess, maybe, when you're working on an accelerated timeline, talking about that crazy liquidation warehouse in Georgia where they sell Anthropologie furniture for like $5 is not the fastest track to falling in love. (But, our children would sleep in one of those unreasonably ornate day beds, Colton!!!) I can understand if Caitlin got too in her head about needing to display depth to Colton…

But then, I cannot understand Caitlin’s reaction to fearing she can’t display depth, being to show Colton beyond a shadow of a doubt that, no matter how far he digs, he will find no hidden depths.

Completely be-fumbled, Colton goes back to an old classic: asking Caitlin why she's ready for a serious relationship now. "I want someone who's happy to go out with me and my friends and have a ridiculous, silly evening," she says so earnestly, like this is the kind of stimulating conversation she really thinks will spark a romantic connection. I mean, Caitlin—I want a man who's down to hang out with my dumbass friends too, but I also need to know if we have the same views on children and work/life balance and meal-planning. [Ed. note: That’s a maybe, flexible, and hard pass for anyone looking to set me up. Virgins welcome to apply.]

Colton tells Caitlin it's natural to compare herself to other women there, and Caitlin agrees that "you learn a lot about yourself in this experience.” And you almost think she's about to divulge what one of those many learned things is, but then she continues: "But I'm not really sure what to, like, open up about other than the fact that my life has been, like…good."

Y'all it is so painful. I understand that Colton wanted to get her out of there, but given that the Rose Ceremony is the next day, the choice to release her directly from the group date seems a little unnecessary. Mostly, it made my teeth sweat when Colton started the break up conversation by saying, "Tonight, I was really looking forward to getting some clarity on exactly where our relationship could go," because I think for a moment, Caitlin genuinely thought she was about to get the Group Date Rose. I swear, she looks down at the table to see if it’s there while he's talking:

Because I think for Caitlin, this was an okay conversation. She talked about her friends and how good her life is, dammit! But then Colton continues: "And if I'm being completely honest, tonight, I just didn't feel the spark was there." For the first time all night, life flickers behind Caitlin's eyes. "I just don’t think you are someone who is for me," Colton says: "So I would like to walk you out."

What the hell, Colton! You can't just "so I would like to walk you out" someone when you are pulling an unprecedented mid-date breakup for no clear reason! The girl doesn't even get to respond with some patented Caitlin witticisms??? She just has to stand up, stunned, as Colton begins guiding her down a walkway in full view of all the other women, toward the SUV of Shame.

But Caitlin, God bless her dull heart, finally finds some well of sass buried deep inside her to reject Colton’s handhold when he walks her out. So then he, lets his hand hover behind her lower back instead??? Because Colton is a robot who watched 200 hours of tape to prepare for his role as The Bachelor, and holding hands is what you do with your very recent ex-girlfriends!!!

For goodness' sake, the man literally doesn't know what to do with his hands — maybe Colton and Caitlin are actually a match made in heaven. (In this case heaven is, of course, that ice cream museum in LA made exclusively for Instagram boomerangs.)

P-A-R-T-WHY, BECAUSE WE LITERALLY HAVE TO

As you can imagine, the other women are…

So, when Chris Harrison comes in and announces that Colton “knows what he wants to do” and won’t be having a cocktail party tonight, that half-man-half-Nespresso-machine is lucky doesn’t get decapitated by a hair straightener.

But he's just joshin' them — there won't be a cocktail party, there will be a pool party instead, which is spoken of with the former reverence of Jade and Tanner's wedding.

The Bachelor loves to pull this switcheroo every once in a while like it's sooooo much more laid back for everyone to get half-naked and share a boyfriend than it is for everyone to get dressed up and share a boyfriend. In fact, the pool party usually involves a lot more group time—re: chicken fights—which could be a little anxiety-inducing if you don't love seeing another woman's vagina pressed to the back of your boyfriend's neck…

***BWAH BWAH BWAAAAAAH*** DID SOMEBODY SAY ANXIETYYYYYYY?!

If ABC has not already slipped a producer contract for next season into Heather's makeup caboodle, they're dumber than I thought. At just 22 years of age, and with zero tongues in her mouth other than her own ever, Heather is already a C-suite-level shit-stirrer. At the pool party, she asks Hannah B if she's going to tell Colton the truth about Caelynn after her disastrous first go-round, and Hannah B says no way. She’s tired of talking about the Caelynn situation and she's not going to do it anymore…

And then Colton and Caelynn walk by hand-in-hand.

"Who knows what she's talking about," Heather muses. "But she's not saying she loves you. My fear is that she's going to talk crap about you and he's gonna believe it." With such a dexterous mouth, it is truly shocking Heather has never kissed anyone. You can literally see spirals start spinning in Hannah B's huge eyes. "If Caelynn is talking crap about me, she better beware," Hannah suddenly says, huge Joker-smile still carved into her face…

"There is a beautiful monster inside of me," Hannah sing-songs in her Alabama accent, mere moments after she said she wasn't getting involved. "And today I'm going to have to let it out." Heather shudders—what has she done?

Indeed, Caelynn is talking crap about Hannah B. Or rather, where Hannah has decided she's tired of talking about Caelynn, Caelynn has decided she's tired of not talking about Hannah. She's going to tell Colton everything she thinks he needs to know, and she's going to do it clearly, concisely, and while daintily drinking a jalapeno margarita.

Caelynn tells Colton that she and Hannah used to be really close, but when she started getting more attention after winning runner-up in Miss USA, Hannah started to "get in her head." Caelynn elaborates that, "It was like manipulation, deceitfulness, and talking not kind things about me—it's just such a pattern of behavior." We have no reason to trust Caelynn, but she does mention that Hannah has displayed this behavior in the house too, seeming to spiral anytime Caelynn has any kind of success, which seems…credible.

Colton finds this concerning and confusing but doesn’t consider asking for more concrete details, while still insisting on putting a lot of weight into it being an important part in his own girlfriend-picking process. He assures Caelynn that he wants to stay focused on their own relationship, but he also says he went on a one-on-one with Hannah last week where he—wait for it—"didn't see that."

Colton…bro. You didn't see any signs that Caelynn "gets in her head" and might spiral a bit when she's feeling insecure? This effin' guy, man. He decides the best way to handle the situation is to march right up to Hannah B's pool party bench of choice and tell her that Caelynn just used the words "manipulative, toxic, and deceitful" to describe her. As if Hannah's going to be like, Uuuuugh, I was going to wait to tell you, but yes, I am a known manipulative liar.

That's not what happens! If you can believe this, Hannah B becomes enraged and insists Caelynn is the manipulative liar! Colton wants to know why Caelynn would say that if it's not true because this is apparently the first time Colton has ever met humans before.

I truly cannot understand what Colton was hoping to get out of these conversations other than further upsetting two women who were already upset. He's not asking for specific reasons why he shouldn't date the other person, or if they would have a problem with him continuing to pursue both of them. He's just…repeatedly asking them how lying works???

Hannah tells Colton that Caelynn can "put on a show for whatever Caelynn wants to be—whatever version she wants to be for whatever goal in mind." Which honestly sounds like a good skill to have in general, but especially as a beauty pageant contestant. It's not a crime to be adaptable, but Hannah claims that if Colton picks Caelynn, "you would never see the full person."

Colton does not freaking trust her. He just keeps asking more questions and getting more answers that he doesn't want to hear, then switching women and asking more questions, and getting more answers that he doesn’t want to hear. He is truly terrible at navigating conflict — that bodes well for the rest of the season.

So now, he's spent all his time trying to figure out why two women he's dating aren't friends, and hasn't talked to any of the other 18 women, and the pool party is ruined.

At the Rose Ceremony, Hannah is about to lose her mind in a wild but incredible jumpsuit, and Caelynn is already comfortably holding a rose in what I would wager is the worse dress ever worn on this show. Naturally, they are forced to stand next to each other, and naturally, looking to diffuse the situation, Colton waits to give Hannah B the very last rose, which is a cool way to show someone that you're going to keep them around because you're attracted to them, but you're going to punish them for—what's that term you're always using, Colton?—"speaking their truth."

Hannah complains that this "would have never happened if people would have never talked about me the way they have," which is pretty rich coming from the woman who literally started all of this by talking.

So long Catherine, Bri, and Nina. Maybe one of you could teach Caitlin how to be a Fort Lauderdale DJ or speak in an Australian accent on the way out so she has something to talk about on Bachelor in Paradise.

As they used to say in Victorian times: see you in Sayulita, suckers.