A TATBT Bachelor recap: Would You Kiss Your Sister Like That?

JUST KIDDING HAHA LOL

For a what is technically considered a reality TV series, The Bachelor has made an art form — nay, an empire — out of ignoring reality. This franchise that has always purported to create fairy tale love simply makes its own reality, filling in every nook and cranny with more and more make-believe, so that even if its fairy tale love doesn't end up lasting once it enters the real world, the romantic fantasy effect created by the journey itself remains.

Because, as it turns out, “fantasy” is a genre of reality TV just as much it's a genre within any other form of media or literature. Just sub out the One Ring for a Neil Lane diamond, the Dark Tower of Mordor for a staged mansion in Calabasas, Dark Lord Sauron for Chris Harrison, Hobbits for Demis…and you've got yourself a gotdang classic fantasy tale!

There’s no doubt that The Bachelor creates its own weird fantasy world; I think that's why so many intelligent, realistic people love to watch it, even while we hate to watch it. We know that diamonds and dramatic confrontations are not the reality of our lives, but the series does such a thorough job of setting it all up, we can't help but tune in to see how they'll equate bungee jumping, or cave diving, or rock repelling with falling in love next.

On The Bachelor, no one eats; everyone drinks; but no one ever vomits.

On The Bachelor, the modes of transportation are helicopter, limo, SUV with all the overhead lights turn on to glisten off your tears, and occasionally, a blimp.

On The Bachelor, the most common forms of bathing are: shirtless while being filmed, in a bathroom you share with 20 other women, or in an above ground hot tub in the middle of the desert.

On The Bachelor no one ages past 33, they just — POOF! — disappear from existence on their 365th day of being 32 (excluding men, of course, who are sexually and romantically viable well until the age that they could be your grandfather…I think that goes without saying).

On The Bachelor… one man dates 30 women at once… they all know about it… they all signed up for it… and they find it embarrassing to be the first one to leave that situation…

For the two hours a week that we watch The Bachelor (and the 12 hours a week that some of us write about it), this is the reality we accept, and mock as openly as we do our own reality. That the happenings available to poke fun at are different from our own — injustice counts as getting two turns to talk to the Bachelor because you're sneaky rather than getting a Supreme Court seat because you're a white man who likes beer; politics means telling the Bachelor that another woman isn't ready for marriage rather than shutting the whole fucking government down because you're big mad about some fence posts — is kind of the whole point. It may not be a pleasant escape, but it is a nuanced one…

That's why it's so disconcerting when the real world creeps into The Bachelor world, as it did multiple times in this Monday's episode.

It's not a bad thing — often it's a very good thing — but it's odd to see something so normal as divorce or complicated family dynamics framed as abnormal when we know that they’re not. I'm glad that Colton handled those vulnerabilities well, but I also don't want to applaud him too hard for showing simple human decency. These kinds of episodes place us between worlds: to get peeks of our own reality is both gratifying, because it means for once they're not ignoring it; and frustrating because it means just this once, they're not ignoring it.

Nowhere is that contrast more obvious than on Caelynn's one-on-one date where we're asked to believe that Colton is spoiling her with lavish presents bought with his own money (sure, Jan)to Caelynn telling Colton something that is extremely important to her real life outside of the show: four years ago, she was sexually assaulted.

It is painful to hear Caelynn tell her story, but it is also the far too common reality of women in America. Caelynn's courage in bringing that reality to such an overly fantasized space is incomprehensible. Even on The Bachelor, this cannot and be ignored.

This entire episode is full of real life shit — it's pretty wild. It's also full of absurd shit like the entire remaining 15 women and Colton getting to go to Singapore, where 13 of those women go on a date at one time, and given an entire market of Singaporean wares, Colton picks out a fedora. It makes me wonder if this is becoming one of the more bizarrely realistic seasons of The Bachelor because our Bachelor in charge is so embarrassingly wholehearted; so earnest in his vulnerability. No, not in the way that he is fully emotionally transparent, because, ha

But in the way that Colton is so clearly still growing up; he doesn’t seem to quite know who he is yet, and sometimes when his confusion becomes too much, his emotions come bursting out of his ears like when Bugs Bunny sticks a carrot into Elmer Fudd's shotgun. Like…that kind of vulnerable.

I'm not saying Colton hasn't been through tough stuff in his life — I honestly know nothing about the man. But he does kind of seem like a stick of butter mated with a Family Circus comic strip and then raised that blond butter baby in the Blast From the Past bunker for 25 years, after which he finally emerged and walked directly into Becca's season.

On his bungee-jumping date with Tayshia, Colton says that since he played football for most of his life, he was never able to take risks: "Now that I can do adventurous things, I'm looking forward to today." That is…such a sentence! Colton's never been out of the country, he's never had sex, he's never had an office job, he's never worn a hoodie with sleeves…there's nothing wrong with being inexperienced, but there is something startling about watching an adult man grow up on screen.

Becca's season is basically the first thing Colton did after leaving football (the thing he pins most of his inexperience on), and he's been living in Bachelor world ever since. It's like we're watching him take his first job out of college. Think about how bad you were at your first job out of college — even if you were good at it, you were bad at it. In the only office job I ever had (see, I'm inexperienced too! this is equal opportunity naiveté!), I yawned during a meeting with my boss, and she had tell me that I…shouldn't yawn in front of my boss.

I believe that Colton is trying hard and will learn a lot from this experience…some kind and generous boss/producer/girlfriend will simply have to tell him that the best way to resolve conflict is not to directly quote the shit-talking his girlfriends do about each other, to each other. Because isn’t it starting to feel like Colton's signature date question — "I wanna know how you are the way you are" — is less of a conversation starter and more of a plea for guidance?

Someone get this man a library card and point him toward the nearest copy of What Color Is Your Parachute!

SINGAPORE YA LATER

It is wild that this season is already headed to an international locale in week 4. Usually they don’t leave the mansion until week 5 or 6, and then it's like…to some random cabin in Pennsylvania. But even if the format is changing, and even if this was a slightly more serious episode than usual, you can rest assured that one thing will always remain the same: Chris Harrison is messy as hell.

He marches right into that mansion, looks Hannah B dead in the eye, and says:

"Caelynn, how was last week for you?"

CHRISTINA B. HARRISON, you dog! This is so messy on so many levels, I feel like I need that pill from Limitless to comprehend them all. Chris calls Hannah B by her number one enemy's name… while asking her how her last week was during which we all witnessed her nearly implode from self-inflicted frustration… while also letting her know that, yes, everyone is talking about her all the time, they were just talking about her outside of this archway here, and ya see, that's why I got your names mixed up, BECAUSE YOU’RE A STORYLINE, PEASANT.

Then, when Hannah B answers honestly that it wasn’t a good week, and she felt like she had to defend herself a lot, Chris Harrison says, "And yet, you're here." Because nothing makes Chris smarmier than anyone so much as suggesting that any aspect of this game show is not a flawless wrung on the ladder to love. After his pupils stop glitching, Chris finally gets to the good news that they're going to Singapore. Mass hysteria ensues. I mean, these women are screaming and clutching each other like they're about to board the Titanic.

Of course, followed by…

We find out during the course of these screams that Colton has never been outside of North America, but he better start making room in the ol' passport, because with commentary like this, our butter boy will have a hosting gig on the Travel Channel:

“Singapore is amazing — it's got the lights, it's got the buildings…”

Indeed, Colton, it does got the lights, it do got the buildings, well-stated, old sport. But culture shocked Colton has figured out one thing: "I feel like with Caelynn and Hannah, I have to treat it how it is, and that is just that they're not going to get along with each other."

Yes! Colton! That is well-stated, and if you had figured it out the moment Hannah told you there was an issue, rather repeatedly asking both of them, Your enemy says you're a toxic liar — is that true? you might have saved everyone a lot of Chris Harrison wrath. Alas, the boy is growing, and we simply have to let him spread his wings and fly as slowly as he needs to…

R U KIDDING ME WITH ANOTHER VLOG?! These segments are ridiculous, but I think I’ve finally figured out why they keep doing them. They want us to see what Colton is like without all the production: Sure, he's about as dynamic and authentic as a Panda Express eggroll even with our help, but just WAIT until we put him on camera with no one to prompt, guide, or manipulate him — do you want to hear Colton describe how he slept every episode? DO YOU? You NEED us, don’t you? You don't want to live in the world of these vlogs, do you? You're HAPPY with the way things are. You LOVE us.

(I assume it's clear that I imagine the Bachelor producers as some mix of seductress red-outfit Jasmine from Aladdin, and the mean horcrux versions of Harry and Hermione, and I will not be told otherwise.)

Colton offers us one parting thought about his upcoming date with Tayshia before signing off:

"WE SHOULD GO BUNGEE!"

If you can believe it, while heading out into Singapore — city of lights and buildings! — for their date, Colton and Tayshia stumble upon a bungee jumping platform. And Tayshia seems…totally fine with it. Normally in these situations on The Bachelor, the woman is deathly afraid of heights, and the man gets to wrap her in his big, strong arms and tell her that as long as they have each other, they'll be okay…

But it's hard for Colton to wrap Tayshia in his arms when he's so busy looking like he's about to hurl from 1,000 feet off the ground.

They both seem nervous as hell to make the jump, most especially Colton, who presumably chose this date. But all I can thinks is, Man, they are going to BONE LIKE WILD ANIMALS the second they survive this. I think I finally understand why they do these dates. It's not the "jumping into love" symbolism — it's the extreme release of built-up energy that makes one want to take it on down to Bone Town. But didn't they listen to Keanu Reeves's warning in Speed? Relationships based in intense experiences never work!!!

When Colton jumps off the platform he screams like a dramatic tween getting her ears pierced at the last Claire's in America, which is still better that Tayshia, who somehow jumps feet-first and when the cord goes taut, gets whipped around in a startling 180. Afterward, they…make out in the ocean like wild, second-base-exclusive animals. What did I say???

But in the nighttime portion of the date, it's time for Tayshia to strap on a truly bangin’ dress and tell Colton her deal.

Tayshia has one of those personalities that is just attractive all across the board. I want her to be my third grade teacher and my cool cousin, and even when she says things like, "We overcame our biggest fears together today," I can't find it in myself to be annoyed with her. She somehow manages to smile as much as Hannah B, but since it doesn’t feel like its masking a deep well of rage, it's comforting rather than disconcerting.

Colton picks up on this too, telling her that she has this confident sort of presence (a thing he tells most of the women over 26): "I wanna know how you can make me feel that way without even saying anything…”

WAIT FOR IT…

HERE IT COMES….

BOOM goes the dynamite. Colton always delivers this line like he's about to rock these women's world with his big-sensitive-man interest in their lady brains. And to be fair, they always fucking love it. Tayshia, knowing that she needs to sacrifice one emotional trauma to satiate the beast's need to define himself and others by one singular thing (but also, hopefully because she wants to share) is ready.

Tayshia tells Colton that she's just generally a happy person, but her life hasn't been all roses. A year and a half ago, she says, she got divorced from her former husband who she was with for six years.

"Being a Christian woman, you think, like, you get married once and that's gonna be it," she tells Colton. "But you can't make someone want to be married." Tayshia ia very straightforward, and it never feels like she's looking for Colton’s validation that this is okay. She knows it's okay. Divorce is a reality that tons of people experience, including Colton, as he tells her. His parents are divorced, and he says that’s taught him that he can't try and judge what makes someone else happy: "If you weren't happy, then you're making the best choice and the best decision for you."

Aw, Colton, buddy! That was really well-handled!

And then, of course, he has to ruin it by saying, "And keep wearing that damn smile because it's the sexiest thing," which is somehow gross like six different times throughout 11 words. Tayshia gets the rose, and they go on the Singapore Flyer ferris wheel, because apparently they want to make Colton cry before this date is over.

COME SEE THE SOFTER SIDE OF DEMI

With 13 women, this is the biggest group date yet, and Colton says he wants to find his moments with each individual woman, "but I don’t like to do it front of others."

Well too bad buddy, because there's a cocker-spaniel-sized human charging at you right now. She goes by the name of Demi; she must jump out of the transport vans before they've even come to a complete stop; and she has an unmitigated disregard for any other human soul but her own.

Y'know, Demi scares the shit out of me, but I really admire her commitment to extreme arrogance and aggression in the face of Colton's utter dismay at knowing what to do with her. Throughout a stroll through Singapore's Chinatown market, she mounts him like a teddy bear backpack, corners him in stalls for them to get portraits done together, and shimmies and shakes her way through any side-eye from the other women or nervousness from Colton.

Colton seems to try to take most of the women aside for a special moment throughout the day, like when he and Cassie get their fortunes read, and the man tells them that Colton is a child of the winter and Cassie is a child of the spring and summer, which means…

I'm glad someone else noticed that they have…the exact same face.

But Cassie and Colton hate this revelation on account of how they definitely already want to bone and marry each other — in that order!

But there's time to work through reincarnated sibling drama during the nighttime portion of the date where they make tons of nervous jokes about being related in between fondling each other. Judging by the way he always has his hands glued as close to her ass as possible, Colton is hands-down the most sexually attracted to Cassie. Which makes it all the more disconcerting when she pulls back mid-make-out and says:

Not to be outdone by whatever the fuck this bit is, Colton responds, "That's not a kiss a sister would give," and methinks this golden-haird-green-eyed duo might be a little less child-of-winter, and a lot more Lannister, if y'know what I'm saying

If you need a quick cool-down form all that awkward incest banter, might I offer you Hannah B who scoops Colton before the ringing from their clinked champagne glasses has even stopped because she needs to know where they stand. And I totally get that…

I just don't understand why Hannah B has to say things in a way that make me want to crash my head through the TV and give her something — anything — written by Rebecca Traister.

"I think the most important thing for a man," Hannah says, already putting me on high alert, "is to know that the woman he's supposed to be with has noble character, and that you might not trust my character is really scary for me." Hannah says if Colton has lost his trust in her, then she would have to take a step back. Instead, Colton tells her about his new big boy decision to live in a world where two women can not see eye-to-eye without it affecting him at all.

Aaaaaand then he ruins it by finishing with, "I wanna let you know too, that today, I feel like I got my Hannah back," because this is a young man who does not yet understand that there is no "his Hannah."

This is aaaaaall Hannah, baby, and the bad parts ain't going away because you tell her she can just leave those out of your relationship. That smiley, bubbly, sentient Alabama accent — that is Hannah, sure. But that thing where she was stricken with anxiety at having to give a simple toast — that is also Hannah. And that deal where watching someone she dislikes succeed sends her into a self-conscious spiral — that's our girl, Alambama Hannah for sure. Oh and this…

That's Hannah, for sure. Take it all, or leave it, buddy!

They make out and Hannah says she can see herself falling in love with him, so this should go well. But this date is not about Colton's second favorite Hannah, or his sister Cassie, it is — as always — about Demi. She is ready to show Colton a more serious side of herself, which in Bachelor terms, means divulging the most painful part of one's life.

For Demi, that's the fact that her mother is currently in federal prison, or as she tells Colton on this date, that her mother was just released from federal prison (!!!). "Having to see someone you love so much be stuck in a place where they don't wanna be, and you just wanna take them out," Demi starts through tears: "Like, my mom might be really messed up, but like, that woman loves me so much, and no matter what she does, I love her unconditionally."

Dammit, Demi! Don't make me start to understand why you are the way you are™! I want to continue thinking of you as the perfect little monster born from the ashes of an abandoned Wet Seal that I've always known you to be!

But whether Demi's tough-as-nails attitude comes from nature, nurture, or some combination of both, tonight she is in no mood to babysit someone through an unrelatable lack of confidence in one's own unmistakable appeal. While Demi has been with Colton, Courtney has been sitting with a few of the other women, steaming over her lack of time with Colton. It seems like everyone kind of hates her…

Demi is actually the— well nicest isn't the word for it, but she's the most Toddlers-and-Tiaras-mom-trying-to-force-their-shy-child-onstage-for-their-own-good toward Courtney. When Courtney complains about how patient and respectful she's been with the other women's time, Demi tells her she has to get out of her head and go talk to Colton. When Courtney complains that Colton has "made moments" with all the other women except her, Demi tells her that she just had to have a difficult conversation with him, but "At the end of the day, you can't make excuses, you have to just act."

Courtney continues to make excuses and not act, finally pouting, "I'll just wait patiently, and eventually, possibly, I'll talk to him.

Yeah, that's how it works, Courtney — while Colton has face suctioned to Cassie's matching face, he’ll will suddenly think, I wonder what that Courtney is up to!?

If there's one thing Demi and I share in common it is our intolerance for negativity (if there's' another thing, it's her recently revealed tendency to face-sweat while emoting), and she's finally had it with Courtney's complaints. She hops out of her seat to go find Colton and thank him for how kind and non-judgmental he was after she told him about her mom. "Her approach seems pretty lazy in my opinion," Demi says about Courtney, "because she hasn't done anything to get time with him."

I love this, and it's true in the real world too: dating is not a lazy woman's game. For Demi, this is just like any other time where she's rigged an election, or meticulously planned to dump pig's blood on an unpopular girl's head, or put Visine in her least favorite aunt’s iced tea — you simply have to work hard and set your mind to the task of achieving your goals!

But Courtney's goals seem less about getting to know Colton, and more about getting noticed by Colton for absolutely no reason, so she continues to not seek him out, even when the other women are literally screaming at her to do so…

So Courtney does head out to find Colton, but some news of Demi’s whereabouts diverts her attention. Instead of talking to Colton with the last remaining moments of this group date, she confronts Demi about going to talk to Colton a second time after she knew how upset Courtney was…

Sis. This girl is not your keeper!!! She doesn’t owe you anything, and need I remind you that you said you were going to wait patiently and hope for time??? Did I expect coming into this episode that I would repeatedly relate to Demi, a beautiful gargoyle with the unearned confidence of a frat bro who gets a job at Deloitte right out of college? No.

But Courtney has driven me to that point with each new annoying thing she says with a patronizing and falsely demure tone, the highlights of which are: telling Demi she's playing god by deeming her conversations more important, questioning Demi's maturity level, condescendingly asking Demi's age, and telling Demi that she would never do that because she was "Raised to respect people and carry [herself] with class."

Does Demi deserve to have someone come at her sideways? Of course. Should that person be someone as currently inconsequential as Courtney? Absolutely not. "You have the right to think those things," Demi tells her: "And I have the right to not care."

Truly, a terrifying queen walks among us.

"I'M WAY STRONGER THAN I EVER IMAGINED"

A very precious elderly butler arrives at the hotel to give Caelynn an invitation to her one-on-one with Colton, and while I very much enjoyed his chubby cheeks, I have to wonder just how long Chris Harrison was sitting in his at-home cryogenic chamber that he couldn't get his ass to Singapore.

That this episode goes the whole way through without anyone mentioning Crazy Rich Asians, and without showing any of the delicious food that had me salivating through that entire book is beyond me. But with Caelynn's date they get somewhere close to touching on the luxury that exists in Singapore. I guess the "Pretty Woman date" is just a thing they do every season now, where the Bachelor picks his favorite frontrunner, and then buys her a lot of clothes.

Well, the show buys her a lot of clothes. But Colton reeeeeally leans into acting like he's spending thousands of dollars on Caelynn. “I get to splurge every once in awhile," Colton says to Caelynn, surely thinking back to his epic Singaporean fedora purchase: "So when I do, I make sure it's for someone I really like.” Something about this reminds me so viscerally of Michael Scott saying that every time he goes into the city, he has to get a New York slice at his favorite pizza joint, and then hustling into a Sbarro. I can’t quite put my finger on what it is, but for Colton to be able to make me feel that kind of cringe is actually pretty impressive…

But nothing is more cringe-y than the producers forcing Caelynn to go home after the daytime shopping potion of her date, and show off her spoils one-by-one. Caelynn is literally glowing after her great day with Colton, and the other women are crumbling under the pressure of sharing one dull man 15 ways.

Poor Cassie breaks down sobbing about having to see Colton with other women, while also trying to maintain how much she loves Caelynn, which is actually kind of sweet. She was nothing but (fake) smiles while Caelynn showed off the very basic heels that Colton "picked out himself."

In the nighttime portion of the date, while Caelynn looks just as glamorous as ever, it's not hard to tell that something is weighing on her. When they sit down to dinner, Caelynn tells Colton that he makes her so happy, and she feels like herself with him, which is a feeling she hasn't had a long time — and also the reason they need to have a difficult conversation to move forward in their relationship.

"It's part of who I am, it's part of my story, and it's really important to talk about, especially in relationships because it's something that has come in between intimacy and a lot of different things in my life," Caelynn says.

She tells Colton that four years ago, when she was a sophomore in college, she was raped when she and three of her girlfriends went to a party where the male hosts had drugged the wine. She woke up the next day with no memories and was informed that three out of the four of them had been sexually assaulted and that the men had taken photos of her when she was incapacitated. She immediately went to the hospital, where she was denied a rape kit — "which is illegal," she adds pointedly — and by the time she was able to get a rape kit done at another hospital, the results were inconclusive because it had been too long.

After Caelynn's mother found out and became her advocate to the university, one of the men was expelled. "The rest got away with it," Caelynn says.

For four minutes, uninterrupted, Caelynn tells her story in painful detail, and Colton listens. In the end, that is the thing she seems most relieved by: that Colton simply listened, and was open to hearing — to borrow his favorite phrase — her truth. Because when an assault victim tells their story, listening is the most important thing one can do.

In Miss USA, Caelynn's platform was advocacy and rights for survivors of sexual assault on college campuses, and here she speaks deliberately and with complete candor about how horrible her experience was; how it caused her shame and guilt; how she hid it for a long time; how it's something that will always be a part of her. All credit for the honesty with which this story was told goes to Caelynn and her bravery, and while I'm encouraged that The Bachelor didn't shy away from Caelynn's determination to share her story with Colton and the viewing nation, I for one, won’t soon forget the very internal way they handled the issues of consent on Bachelor in Paradise two seasons ago…

Colton tells Caelynn that he wants her to know she's safe with him, and he shares his experience of dating a woman who had also been sexually abused — and if you know who Colton's ex-girlfriend is, you know that she is also an outspoken hero and advocate for sexual assault survivors. “Looking into her eyes and just knowing the pain associated with it," Colton starts: “…but who am I to feel the pain when I wasn’t the victim?" Caelynn says she doesn’t think that's true, that she's seen how the pain trickles down through friends and family, and romantic relationships.

They hug for a long time, and Colton tells Caelynn how strong she is. But she already knows. She tells the camera: "I've been through hell and back, but I think every time I open up, it makes me stronger. I am able to take a little piece of me back that was broken by it. I'm way stronger than I ever imagined." Caelynn opened up to Colton because she felt safe with him, and because of Caelynn, people who heard her story might feel a little safer opening up too. I am so grateful for her bravery.

GET A LOAD OF THIS TRANSITION…

If you think it feels odd in this recap to transition between a moving story from a sexual abuse survivor to the drama of a cocktail party, then you are really getting the immersive experience of just how weird it was within the episode. Like I said up top: one step forward — two steps back and firmly planted into the cement of The Bachelor's unwavering alternate reality where a date with a man consists of tattling on your sister-girlfriend instead of just, like, talking about your jobs.

I am, shockingly, not talking about Hannah B and Caelynn though, who provide us one more glimmer of hope to hang onto when Caelynn pulls Hannah aside and they decide to squash their beef. Everyone is just sure they're about to go have it out, but even before they chat, when they walk down the hall all smiles and awkward laughs which makes this feud reek of producer intervention to me…

Since her one-on-one, Caelynn realizes that they've been dwelling on unnecessary drama. She tells Hannah B, "It's hard enough as women, and we've both been through such tough things, I think, why not be supportive of each other?" She says they don't have to be best friends, but they can just leave the past in the past…

And Hannah B agrees! She says she wants to enjoy her time, and she's aware that Colton likes both of them: "We're gonna hopefully be here…and I don’t think you're a horrible person…"

And Caelynn agrees! They both apologize for the way they've spoken about the other, and agree that they feel better now.

And that's the end, Colton hands out the roses, and we're off to Thailand next week!

Just kidding, Onyeka tells Demi that she bets Courtney will trash her to Colton, so Demi jumps the gun and trashes Courtney to Colton, telling him that Courtney attacked her (not exactly, gurl), told her she plays god (kind of a compliment tbh), and that Courtney is "the cancer of the house."

Demi. Courtney is a Forever-21- brand Eeyore to be sure, but the cancer of the house?! But don't worry, Colton will get to the bottom of this, by which I mean, immediately tell Courtney that the words "attack" and "cancer of the house" were just used to describe her…

This! Bitch! Loves! A! Quote!

Honestly, Colton, get your ass to Northwestern if you love journalism so much, otherwise, stop running your mouth and revealin' your damn sources all the time! Naturally, Courtney says that Demi is the cancer of the house, and is there for The Wrong Reasons: "She isn’t here for you. You could be anybody. The fact that you're the Bachelor and the fact that this is a TV show is the reason why she's here."

This is so rude to Colton! That's why any of them are there, and if they happen to end up liking the lunk of a man in front of them, so be it. Courtney doesn’t have to rub it in! Of course, this sets Colton's sensors off, and he starts spiraling into the most dramatic version of himself: "This is my worst nightmare and my greatest fear coming alive right now." Oh buddy, remember the good times. What seems like just minutes ago — because it literally was! — Hannah G was mounting you on a hotel bed. Go back to your happy place and let the women sort this out amongst themselves.

Courtney marches back to the group and asks for a show of hands for who thinks she's the cancer of the house.

Demi shoots her hand in the air, and hilariously, Courtney keeps hers raised as well.

When everyone gasps at Demi calling Courtney a cancer, she looks around shocked: "What? That's what I said! Because I do feel that way — I feel like you are." I mean she cannot be any more straightforward than that, people. They get into a yelling match (well, Demi yells, Courtney acts like she's above raising her voice while remaining extremely petty). At one point, Courtney tries to say that maybe she should warn Colton about Demi, as though she hasn't already, and that tells me everything I need to know about her.

Demi is not going to win; she's not going to make it past the top 8; if these women could just get over themselves and let some people be monsters, rather than stoop to their level, they would be just fine! But we've just seen Hannah B and Caelynn recover from worse, so maybe all hope is not lost…

Or maybe it is because Colton just sent Courtney and Tracy home — the two woman that Demi beefed with, it's certainly worth noting. I might be willing to contribute to a GoFundMe that put Demi, a hungry badger, Chris Harrison, and a laser shark in an environment together and just…see what happens.


Tune back here next week to see what happens in Thailand, and if it's time for Colton to jump over that damn fence yet! Make sure to tell all your favorite friends and lovers about TATBT, but if they suggest getting your fortune read together — don't.